Worried what my friends will think about my pregnancy

[Yunabrasca]

Hello, I am 10 weeks pregnant with my first. It was unplanned and to be honest I never wanted to have kids. However my partner and I have been together a long time and we both have good jobs and are early 30s, and he’s been really happy and excited. I’m starting to come around to it a bit more (I still panic at times but I’m getting there).

So my main thing is I’m worried that when I finally come round to telling my friends about it they’ll think I’m stupid for getting pregnant or even that they won’t want to see me as much as we’ll be living our lives so differently after this. A lot of them also say they never want children and I just worry that they’ll think I’m not sticking to my principles or something. As I’m writing this I realise it all sounds ridiculous, I’m just so worried about it. I don’t want to not see my friends anymore and I don’t want them to feel pushed to one side by me either. I know things will be different, but my friends are so important to me too. Does anyone else have these feelings?

If they do as you are fearing, then they aren’t your friends.

Lovely friends you have op if they start berating you for your life choices they don’t sound very nice.

I think you haven’t read properly...I haven’t even told them yet. This is just my worries. But never mind then

If your friends are your real friends they will be happy for you. Its very normal to feel panicked being unexpectedly pregnant normally let alone now. I am 17 weeks, it was a shock for us, but everyone has been very happy for us.

Regarding friends not wanting to see you, if they are true friends they will. A few of my friends who are quite anti-babies did drop away but I did find new friends through baby groups and my NCT classes. I was upset to start but I realised friends change as we go through our life, and friends who stay around when you have a kid are the real friends

I meant to say I am pregnant on DC2 so I have done all this before with DC1.

I agree with pp that if they really are your friends then they won’t react in the negative way you predict. Accidental pregnancies happen and sometimes people do change their minds about not wanting children.

OP if you think through all the people you want to tell, are there any you think will be more positive/supportive than others? Start with those so that you have someone on side and happy for you first before telling anything you think will be negative about it.
The way you tell them will make a difference too - it’s much harder for people to be ‘off’ about your news if you present it in a way that shows you’re happy about it.

Yeah, this is good advice. Thank you. And yeah I guess part of me is also feeling this way coz I’m still unsure in myself how I feel. I’m trying so hard to get excited and everything but I just feel like I’m on an unstoppable train! But I guess telling people I know will be happy first as well is a good idea. Maybe they’ll also help me feel better too

Literally every person who told me at 30 that they didn't want kids, went on to have (planned) kids.

Anyway, if they don't accept you based on a life choice then they're not your friends.

Oh OP there is always this awkwardness when you’re the first in a social group to have kids.

I was 26 when I got pregnant with DS. When I told my best friends there was a really tense ‘did you plan this? Is she happy about it? WTF do we say?’ moment, until I cut in that DH and I had planned the pregnancy, at which point it was a chorus of congratulations.

When your friends say ‘I don’t want kids’ they aren’t saying ‘I don’t want you to have kids’. I’m afraid you kinda have to own it and tell them, they’ll notice eventually xx

I had a friend who never wanted kids at all and thought I was the same (so did I!). She is now in her 40s and hasn't changed her mind. I now have 2!

We still have OUR friendship. I tell her about the kids but it's not all we talk about as a) I know she isn't hugely into it and b) I LOVE that she wants to talk about other things including her, and me being me (and not just a MUM)

Honestly, it doesn't have to be the end of friendships. They may change a bit but providing your other half has the baby and you plan outings then you can have what you have now with friends as well as be a parent.

It will be fine. It really will be fine! (And by the way, I love my two to the ends of the earth now I have them. I know everyone says that but in my case it was true. I am everything I was before PLUS I'm a mum).

When you announce your pregnancy, you'll find out very quickly who your real friends are.

Congratulations!

I don’t think it’s as simple as people being “true friends” or not. Major life changes can affect friendships, often for worse.

For example, I had a close friend who wanted minimal contact with pregnant friends/tiny DC due to how she felt about fertility issues, so for a few years things were weird. I live a long way from longstanding close friends and had much less time, energy and money to travel to visit them after DC.

With effort and reciprocity some friendships will continue, and of course we can make new friends too.

I understand how you feel about not being excited yourself and sort of projecting it onto others. I dont feel particularly excited about my unexpected pregnancy. It's a very odd time to be pregnant. We dont know what sort of world we are bringing these kids into. There are so many things to be worried about. But as time goes on I think the idea has began to slowly settle with me, and some days I feel excited. Yesterday I felt my first kick. I felt excited then for that moment.

Give yourself time. It's a shock. Dont expect too much from yourself. Life isnt a movie where women glow with happiness and excitement. In reality we all worry and panic about the enormity of a baby in a post pandemic world. Be kind to yourself

Thanks everyone for your messages. I think I felt a bit lonely as well seeing as I haven’t been able to talk to anyone yet other than my partner, and he doesn’t have the same feelings as I do so it’s difficult for him to understand. And yeah, it’s added stress that it’s happening when things are they way they currently are! Guess that’s what you have to roll with when it’s unplanned ! You guys have given me some good insight and advice though so thanks!

Definitely, definitely sign up to NCT - I met the best gang of people, a whole new group of friends. Do it in plenty of time and you'll be put in a group close to where you live, which is the aim really - so you can all meet up.

If no one else offers, email everyone to start a WhatsApp group, and pop a message on asking them who wants to meet for coffee and cake. Try not to worry so much, you may drift a bit from other people, but have them over in the evenings for dinner/drinks at yours when the baby is in bed and you'll still see them.

Babies change everything. In all likelihood you will develop new mum-based friendships and some people will fade away.

It can feel scary at first -it’s probably one of few major life upheavals in adulthood, when you’ve left experiences like leaving school, Uni, new jobs and locations behind.

But try to embrace it, unapologetically. I hate the typical Britishness around pregnancy -keeping quiet for 12 weeks as though we must not speak of it until that line has been crossed (and of course I know why, but it’s just not healthy), making self conscious or self-deprecating comments, or just behaving as though everything is usual, the same....it can be an amazing experience for most of us, one you might never repeat or only repeat a few times. If you are lucky enough to have a healthy pregnancy, and minimal sickness, try to enjoy every minute of it and don’t squander it on worrying what other people think.

Practice telling people. “X and I are having a baby, we’re quite excited.” Let them know upfront that you are happy about this and don’t invite negativity, or you’ll spend your whole pregnancy joining in the “my life’s over, it’s such a drag” type chat, which even in jest will be so negative for you going in forward with your first child.