9 yo sleep help - lots of issues

[Nosleepninja]

I’m a single parent and have been since pregnancy. Ds has pretty much always been in my bed apart from when I was in a 2 year relationship when he was 5 where he naturally moved into his own room and ‘big boy bed’.

At the end of this relationship he heard my ex hitting me and this really distressed him as he felt he couldn’t protect me as he was in bed and I was downstairs.

Ds has been in my bed since this occasion but it’s really coming to a head. I goto bed at 8pm, I feel claustrophobic as I get no space, I am rushing to get everything done after work but before bed, he kicks me all night and sleeps starfish. I feel selfish for resenting this though as it’s my fault he feels this way.

Ds is deeply upset at idea of sleeping in his own bed, he worries about me. In return (I don’t show this to him but it’s partly why I haven’t pushed the issue!) I worry about him as I worry that if there was a fire or someone broke in I couldn’t get to him to protect him. I can see that this isn’t ‘normal’ but I don’t know how to programme us both so we feel more at ease in this situation?

I have literally offered Ds an Xbox as reward if he could sleep in his own bed, and he tried for an hour and then said he didn’t want the Xbox really and he would rather sleep in my bed.

Is there a kind / gentle solution to this? I keep thinking he will grow out of it, but I’ve been waiting a few years now and we are no further forward!

Please be kind, we have both been through some crappy times so it’s not him being naughty or indulged as such. We need some help!

I should add - he’s okay to have sleepovers at peoples houses as he says he isn’t on his own then. He always rings his grandma to ask her to check on me if he spends the night away though, so it’s like he puts measures in place?! He’s normally very confident - just not at 9pm when I want to start fish alone in my own bed!

Are either of you getting any professional help? With so much trauma in your backgrounds, this is probably above Mumsnet's paygrade and you'd probably both benefit from working through this with a therapist.

Mattress on the floor in your room then gradually move it towards his room is how I'd do it.

I may look into a sleep specialist if this doesn’t work itself out, yes. I’ve had quite a bit of psychotherapy as I was abused as a child (which also probably is part of my worry in not being able to protect him in another room!)

I love the mattress idea and it’s one I haven’t tried before so will give that a shot, thank you! He has a beautiful newly decorated bedroom - the irony of this is not lost on me!

I would start with him going to sleep in your bed but on his own explain you need to do jobs etc and will be up when you are finished, extend this period gradually so he's used to being in bed and falling asleep alone. Might be worth explaining things like security measures in your house to show how you don't need protecting eg a burglar alarm might help his confidence. Once he's sleeping alone that's when the bribe to sleep in his room might work. The good news is that even the most persistent bed sharers naturally move out eventually, dd was 6/7 my friends son was 12.

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow suggestion of therapy is a good one and worth looking into.

In the meantime, gradual retreat might be something to try. I did this with both of my sons who have a lot of anxiety around bedtime due to ASD. It works by gradually building up the independence and reassurance needed for them to stay in their own bed.

On night one you put him to bed in his own bed and you sit beside his bed either on the floor or on a chair and you stay there until he falls asleep. If he tries chatting to you or engaging you remind him that he's not alone/you're there with him but it is sleep time, if he persists after that then just give a bland "ssh, bedtime now". After a few nights of him successfully going to sleep like this, you sit in the middle of his floor instead of next to his bed. Again, after a few nights of this you move to the doorway. Then you move to the hallway. Then the top of the stairs. Then halfway down the stairs. Then by that point you should be able to tuck him in and go downstairs without any sitting. I used to take a kindle book with me for the sitting stage so I was doing something for myself while I was there.

This was recommended to us by a psychologist who was working with DS1 as it gradually teaches them that they are safe at bedtime, that you are there even if they can't see you, and that it is okay to go to sleep. You can follow the lead of your child for when you move to the next step too. DS2 flew through it and by day 8 was being left alone in bed, awake, to go to sleep. DS2 took just over three weeks but at the end was also at that point. Every now and again they need a "top up" if they're going through a stressful time but overall it is a gentle way of teaching them to settle on their own.

Dare I ask what bertuga wrote?

I think as you have both said, I need to build up his confidence and by letting him be in my bed I’m almost giving him credibility to be worried.

Do you all think he should just go in his room and I stay with him in there? Or move him gradually out of mine? Do I warn him I’m going to do this? I feel like I need a plan to deal with this - I know I need to do this for both our sakes, but I’m nervous too!

Would it be therapy or a sleep specialist I asked for help?

I think I would move him to his room, and do gradual retreat from there. Maybe at first put a bed for you next to his.
Also- have you considered a reverse baby monitor, then he can hear you pottering about and talk to you from his bed, you can reassure him with out going back?
You’re right- it needs to be kind and gentle on both of you.

Bertuga made a flippant and unhelpful suggestion that added literally nothing to the conversation.

The sleep thing is masking the real issue, tbh, which is that your son has a massively overdeveloped sense of responsibility and is experiencing a lot of anxiety. He needs to see a therapist to get these issues under control, because as he grows up they will have a much bigger impact on him than just sleeping in your bed.

I think you need to talk to him and tell him he is keeping you awake during the night! Ask him for his ideas of solutions...

Tell him you can't go to bed at 8pm anymore it's too early but he needs to, so what are his suggestions to change that?

I think him in your bedroom on his own with doors open to start with, him on his own mattress ASAP

You could start that he goes to bed and that's when you have a bath or sort out washing in his room - so you are around upstairs and you could agree that you will pop in every 10 minutes so he knows you're ok.

He may prefer his own room but you do gradual retreat.

At 9 I think you should ask him to think about what he thinks will be the best solution!

Tell him in advance what you're going to do and choose a day to start it from. I find a Friday is best then if the first couple of nights take a lot longer than usual for him to go to sleep it's not such a big deal on a weekend.

Through in silly suggestions too like you will sleep on his bed 😂 - tbh I'm not sure why you haven't already abandoned him in the night, I am a dreadfully light sleeper!

Just to update. Thank you all so much for all your help!

I took your advice and asked DS how he wanted to solve the problem. I explained I was getting no sleep as he was so big and grown up now, and that he might want to sleep on a mattress on my floor or go back into his own bed. He was quite unphased and said he would try and sleep in his bed

He helped me change the bed covers and I’ve then read to him. He’s asked me to stay on the landing till he goes to sleep and so I’ve got my book and am currently sat with my legs visible outside his room.

I’m amazed at how well this has gone! I know we aren’t out the woods yet as we have done this before and he’s woken after a few hours and asked to come back to my bed, but it’s a strong start and I’m thrilled to have got this far.

I have added in a bribe of robucks when I get paid on Friday if he has stayed in his bed till then, and I’m hoping he will of proved to himself he can do it by that point.

Thank you all so much! I will keep you posted, but I’m tentatively hopeful!

That’s great! Hope you had quiet night.

I think the important thing is that you weren't negative about just were honest- that you can't sleep properly and it's making you tired.

If last night didn't work out then discuss with him why and what can be done/tried.

If he comes in the night and you get woken up you either put him back or just go sleep in his room, I'm a great believer in whatever gets you the most sleep whilst you work through the under lying issue...

How's it going?