How do I support depressed DH?

[confusedofengland]

My DH is currently feeling very low & I don't know how to help or support him He cried himself to sleep last night & I haven't seen him smile in what feels like forever.

I have been encouraging him to talk & he is willing to do that. He is currently without work, as a contract he was due to start (TV production) was called off due to coronavirus. This has left us broke as he does not qualify for financial help & not do I (zero hours library work). So this has made him feel low. However, even before that, from maybe November time, he struggled to get work although he did have some. He says he feels useless & hopeless & without direction. He told me he feels broken

He also feels useless at home as I am managing the DC & their schoolwork pretty well & actually find it easier on my own. He has started to make over our back garden & has lots of plans for decorating the house but we can't afford to buy anything to do this, we can barely afford the bills.

In addition to this, he has not seen his parents since March & is finding that tough. His mum has mid-stage vascular dementia & he feels he should be there for her.

He has also been clashing with DS1, age 11 over screen time & answering back and last night said he feels that DS1 doesn't listen to him. They usually get on well but DS1 has been a bit more stroppy of late, possibly down to worry about the current situation or maybe hormones, but he is generally a good boy.

Anyway, hopefully all that helps to give a good overview. I can certainly understand why DH is struggling. Does anybody have any pointers on how best to help him and support him? I am finding it incredibly difficult to know what to do or say to help

I am so sorry. It is really tough when your partner has depression.
Given the circs, it’s bloody terrifying but in your place I would ask him if he has had any thoughts about harming himself. That for me was what opened the way to helping my DH to see how ill he was and helping to get him to a doctor which is where he need to be, I’d say. My DH took medication - reluctantly and not for long - but accepted that he needed to until he got out of the deepest part of the hole. And hang onto the fact that it is totally possible for him to do so - my DH now manages his own MH much, much better and we can both be honest about saying to one another if we are worried about either of our states of mind. So you can get through it.
Tell a friend in real life, one you can really be honest with, or ask your doctor for counselling (or both) and use online or phone support for you as well as him. I found it very hard having a partner with depression - not only was I worried and sad and frightened for him, I was worried about my DS (who was littler but still picking up on something if not the full picture) and - always last - worried and scared for me and my relationship. So do keep asking for help for you too.
Hopefully with the lockdown starting to end things will pick up for work and he will be able to see his mum. This is such a terribly difficult time and you have a perfect storm of shitty things happening. Sending and and . Keep listening to him and try to get him to see a doctor (or phone one at least). Un-mumsnetty hug.

Thanks Fingerbobs, I will talk to him about that once the DC are in bed. Hopefully it's not as bad as suicidal thoughts but I agree it's good to keep an eye on it.

I am trying to work out how to support him day to day, as well, or even hour to hour. He's been up since 6am this morning, awake since then as he couldn't sleep. He just seems so listless & heavy, iykwim. He doesn't want to do anything, which I know will make him feel worse. Trying to persuade him to come out for a walk with me & DC, but everywhere I suggest is met with a no. It feels like it's going to be a very long day

Is your MIL living at her own home or in a care home? If she’s at her own home could he go sit in her garden for an hour? Take his own drink in a flask?

My DH gets depressed and it's very hard to deal with as his comes out as anger and withdrawal. It's a tough one. Has he seen the GP? He can self refer to talking therapies. The waiting list is long but he can join it. It's tough on you too. Do you have support?

Also does he walk or exercise by himself? Is that something that would benefit him?

My DP was like this about a year a go and it got really bad. Interestingly using the same phrase as your DH about being broken. He ended up going to the doctors and was on medication for 6 months and then they slowly weaned him off and he is a lot better now. Still gets the odd down day but he hasn't got this permanent cloud over him anymore.

Who told you neither of you can get financial help?

Searching for work might pull him out of it, much as we like to think men and women are the same, men usually feel that providing financially for their family is a pretty big chunk of their identity and what makes them feel secure.

Quick google gave me this for your zero hours:

*1. Can I furlough zero hours workers?

Yes, you can. Any employee can be furloughed as long as their work has been severely affected by covid-19, they are on PAYE and you hired them before 28February 2020.

Employees can be on any type of contract, whether that be zero hours, variable hours, part time or full time.

1. Do I need to get a zero hours worker’s permission to furlough them?

Yes, it is best to discuss your decision with your worker first and make sure you have their agreement before you put them on a period of furlough.

You should also make sure that you put this decision in writing and make it clear that their furlough status is only temporary.

1. All eligible workers are entitled to 80% of their wage as part of the Coronavirus Job Retention Scheme (JRS). How is that calculated for zero hours workers?

Good question.

If your worker’s pay varies because they are on a zero hours contract, then the 80% limit will be based on the same month’s earning from a previous year, or their average monthly pay during the 2019-20 tax year - whichever is highest.*

I'm sorry OP.

May I suggest websites like let the sunshine in, depression fallout, the black dog and mind. All offer something different to family members.

Is he having any online therapy? Accessing self help through your local IAPT?

MIL lives with FIL in their own home 130 miles away, so he can't just pop over & visit. He is trying to persuade them to move into a retirement village as MIL doesn't recognise her house any more & feels trapped & unhappy there, which is stressful for FIL. SIL lives near to them & sees them every day (from the garden) then rings DH to tell him how much MIL is deteriorating every day. This makes him feel helpless as he can't go up there to help.

He does sometimes go for walks on his own which sometimes help, so I should encourage that.

I don't have much support tbh. My parents are just round the corner but work FT & my mum is an alcoholic who has had various incidents, so I can't really rely on them for help. I do have a good group of friends I message but all have their own lives to lead so I don't want to put on them.

Will definitely try to get him to talk to the doctor.

Thanks all for responding.

Urgh I know it’s really hour to hour. For my DH mornings were by far the worst, usually after poor sleep/lying awake catastrophising for hours. He often was a bit better later in the day so maybe see if that’s the case and then at least you know if you can get through to 10 or 11 things might get a little better?
Lots of cups of coffee (or herbal tea maybe?!) and listening and hugs and reassurance that he sounds unwell and you love him can help but it is so draining. Maybe offer to go for a walk with him just the two of you?

@LivingThatLockdownLife thanks for that. Unfortunately, my employer won't furlough me, I have asked the question. They are local authority. Also, 80% of my pay would not be much at all - although better than nothing! I may look again at Universal Credit, although I feel so uncomfortable & guilty claiming. Ds2 has suspected autism & gets DLA (middle rate care, low rate mobility) so I don't know if that means we might be entitled to something. I'm also wary that this may not help DH's depression as he may feel guilty for not earning.

It sounds as if he needs medication, get him to ring his GP about it. I was prescribed anti depressants when I burst into tears and gold him how worthless I feel. I'm still on them though as when I stop the negative voices in my head come back.