Friendships in adulthood

[AIMD]

I’ve noticed over the last 4/5 years (possibly since having my first child) my friendships have gradually slipped until I don’t really have any proper close friends anymore.

I have 3 friends from college that I have known a long time but have probably only seen each other a hand full of times in the last 3 years. I have some friendly acquaintances living close to me but I don’t have any proper close friends that I see a lot. I feel like it’s a missing part of my life.

Is this normal as you get further into adulthood (35)? A few friendships have faded and I’m wondering if it is that I’m not very likeable or if it’s just a natural part of getting older.

I think friendship groups can shift.

I'm 38, I have friends from high school who I've known 27 years. I'm closer to the oens with babies who still live near, but the whole of us still chat, catch up when we can, we went away for our 30ths and a few weekends here and there when we can.
I have friends from college but we've got closer again as we all have had our kids within a small time frame.
I've made friends with the school Mom's altho there's been no real test of it yet and we don't socialise outside of school.
My best friend I don't see tons of, we don't live very close and have different lives, both busy.

I suppose my point is that friendships look different and the more you have in common the easier they are

That’s for the reply sleepingatandingup!

That’s interesting because I had babies at the same time as my close friends but that didn’t keep us close. In fact I felt like that’s when we started to drift. Though we live a couple of hours from each other so possibly that was the difference.

I guess I just don’t feel like I have much in common with anyone. I don’t seem to get on with people much anymore. Yet people around me seem to have lots of flourishing friendships.

I think maybe I just lack the basic social skills. Where as friends are made easily when you are younger and in situations to make friends it’s not so easy when you are an adult and probably requires more social skills.

I’ve made effort to reignite some friendships but I don’t seem to get a great response. I’m trying not to take it personally but it’s hard not to worry that I’m just not someone people want to be friends with/

I think that having children makes things very busy and also you become tied to different routines depending on where you live.

I also think friendships are often situational and the ones who stick are precious (and rare). I have had friendships with people who I really felt very close to - only to leave a job or move and then hardly see them again.

Personally, I seemed to miss out on how to be friends with the mums at my children's school (but I really didn't want to be on the PTA) and I have concluded that I needed to put that effort in - if I had wanted those friendships to develop but I didn't.

Interestingly, my DH is still friends with his friendship group from school, so I don't know if its different for me or because I am more introverted and so tend toward deeper but fewer friendships.

I've made a couple of good friends since having DS. I forced myself to go to baby groups and talk to people, even though it was totally out of my comfort zone. I'm hoping they will 'last' but then maybe i'll make new friends when DS starts school?
DP still has all his childhood friends around him - i don't have any of those!

@myohmywhatawonderfulday I’m an introvert too. I think I would also tend towards having few close friends rather than a large group of friends. I’m just struggling at the moment because I seem to have no friendships and no one who initiate meet ups (precovid) and communications with me.

I think I’m struggling because a couple of times now I have had periods where I have put in concerted effort to contact people and meet up etc to try and move friendships on but it never goes anywhere. I must be doing something 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I can only share my experience and that is that not many people do make an effort. My closest friends are the ones who reciprocate contact.

I know lots of lovely people, I can fill a girls night out table, but it is always me to organise it otherwise it doesn't happen.

Sometimes I feel motivated to do it and other times I feel sad that its me again that's suggesting it - so I completely understand.

I am sure you are not doing anything and are lovely.

I struggle, I don't have any friends I could call in none covid 19 times just go out for coffee with or call on watch kids in an emergency. I do have a couple of friends for life I can talk too now and again but both live in other countries. I get on well with people at work and that fills my need for social interaction day to day I have a good laugh with them. But I don't have a friend circle out of work. My husband is always popular and makes connections where ever he goes.
I'd describe myself as a little quirky to most women, I'm heavily into the tech world and traveled widely, I hate the thought of trying to friends with people based on the fact we reproduced around the same time. And pre covid I spent all my time running kids around to their things and working.
I think my other issue I was bullied through my teens my groups of girls and I'm so wary of groups of woman I never get close and they seem to sense I'm a bit 'different' so don't try to include me. Like at my kids hobbies they often stand around bitching about others not complaining and I'd rather discuss SpaceX. I know there are plenty of lovely ladies out there I'd probably hit it off with but l can't seem to find them and even if I did they might not have time for me 😔

I've given up on even trying to make friends. I started uni last year and was hopeful to make at least one but it hasn't happened. I am 'friendly' with people, as they are with me.

There is a group there that all sort of gravitates together and I am in that group. I thought I was making a few friends from that and when the corona happened they said 'we can keep in touch'.

For the first 3 weeks I was texting them, not every day, just once a week. I then thought I'd leave it to them to contact me. They haven't.

I look around me sometimes and, honestly, it seems the people with the most friends are often the most selfish, false people, rather than genuine ones. The popular people I've known over the years who everyone says is lovely have often been very two-faced. I really don't understand it.

I've come to the conclusion as long as I have my animals, I'm ok.

I have two best friends who I am still very close to, we are all mid forties.. nothing has really changed apart from we are all married. We still see each other and talk regularly, however, we are all child free.

I'm very sure if one of us had decided to have kids the dynamics would have changed and we wouldn't be as close, I have seen it happen with some of my other friendships, I accept that when someone has kids, they want to chat kids, a lot, but I'm just not interested, so the friendships have declined. People change when they have children (obviously), I like my friends just as they are!

Me and DH have a running joke that I only have one friend. Its true. I have a lot of people I'm friendly with but only one who I can reach out to no matter what and can discuss anything and everything with. My biggest issue is taking things from chatting and friendly with to actual friend. Can't do it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Like pp DH has the same group of friends from childhood who are still thick as thieves.

I think the thing about the kind standing friends with kids, we don't live very close or we do but we're busy so we keep in contact via messenger etc. We have low expectations for play dates but that keeps us going between meet ups.

I'm not sure I necessarily know how to 9convert new contacts to friends, u have a lovely school mom group but we have generally aligned cited on parenting and life. We met because we procreated at the same time but we'd be friends if we met in other circumstances too.

@SleepingStandingUp maybe that's the thing, you have to have things in common besides being parents to have a more meaningful and hopefully longer-lasting freindship? There are friends I question whether I'd be friends with if we didn't have dc the same age, makes them feel more like aquaintances?

@MsMeNz I feel the same about bitchiness. I’ve overheard a little in the play ground at school drop off and it really puts me off.

I’m just not good at making new friends.

I have come off Facebook now though because I realised that was making me feel worse seeing people post friends shots or people I know meeting up with each other. They do say comparison is the thief of joy or something don’t they!