I don't want lockdown to end.

[CaffeineInfusion]

I feel so stupid. But I'm scared. Not of the virus, I hasten to add. But being shut in for so many weeks has highlighted just how crap my life generally is. It's really been no different. I don't really have anyone who gives a shit about me. Lockdown has been a good excuse really to excuse my 'life' as being normal.

But I have to return to work and face reality that nothing's changed. I am so lonely and upset that my life has been such a waste. And now I know.

I feel so worthless. I don't have the confidence to meet new people. I am nearly 50. I am unfit. A single parent but not through choice. No money. My kids have autism... It's been bloody hard work and will be again once the schools are back open and I once again have to fight for everything.

I don't even have anyone in real life I can moan to. I normally cry alone. How sad is that?

Thanks for listening.

Your not alone @caffeineinfusion - my life has barely changed. I am unable to make or nurture friendships. My husband and I have also decided to divorce which, although traumatic for kids, I really do believe it’s for the best and I’m hoping I can find contentment in not feeling like I am constantly walking on eggshells. It must be really tough with two autistic children. Do you have a garden ? How old are they ?

Is it a struggle getting them to school? I'd assumed that it was easier with school.

It's a good time for thinking up how you want to spend the next few years, I think. Do you have any respite care?

Nor I. I've got too used to it.

I love being at home - I really enjoy time on my own. Lockdown is driving me demented though. I have zero time on my own and it’s really getting me down.

I just do as expected - if it’s recommended I stay home I will. I’m not in the ‘danger’ group but plenty of people around me are. I’m doing this for their benefit and not mine.

I am going a bit loopy though.

You are very far from being alone. Have you ever had any counselling or therapy? That can really help.

All you can do from here is start taking baby steps to make changes. That's all anyone can do when faced with a big problem like this. Confidence isn't a static thing, it can be rebuilt and I know you will have things to offer which means people will want to know you. It can just take a long time to build it up. Sometimes you have a to fake it for bit and force yourself to try things before it appears for real.

Are there any support groups for parents of children with autism that you could join? Meetup has walking groups and craft groups and groups for people who have social anxiety and you wouldn't be the only one joining who feels the way you do. If I were you I'd be looking for a really small friendly choir too - choirs have a massive impact on peoples' social lives and wellbeing. Singing is very therapeutic and there are lots of choirs for people who can't sing. It will be really hard walking through the door for the first time but that is the hardest bit. I used to be in a choir and I swear all 50 people looked utterly terrified of being there at first - no one seemed to find it easy. But once the singing started people would relax and start chatting and it wasn't scary.

I just want to say you are not alone. I am a single parent and nearly 50 too! Its not easy doing everything on your own and especially as you have children with extra needs this must be very hard. I also think that when you're exhausted, it really affects your mood too so please be kind to yourself. You are doing the job of 2 people all the time, that is not worthless that is someone that has amazing strength, courage and a brilliant Mum.

I would say, if you want to meet new people and get fit, start with baby steps because in my experience if I go into anything full on, I just end up getting overwhelmed and give up! I am unfit too and in the lockdown I have been trying out some home yoga on youtube. Just doing 20 minutes a day. I don't always manage it but after a month, I can feel that I am a little stronger and most importantly its 20 minutes out of my day that is purely for me.

I also have a really good book called 'Positive Thinking' from Vera Peiffer. Its helped me out in some tough times and gives you a boost.

Wow. You lot are fantastic.

I am open to any suggestions. Not everything is workable as my kids have to be with me. Mum keeps an eye while I work but I have to go straight home. Fair enough. The woman is nearly 80!!

I have teens. Both high functioning with severe anxiety. School would rather not bother with them. I can't get one in. Can't find a smaller place. In the past ten years, no professional individual or organisation has been of any use whatsoever. Don't get me started on camhs.

I have tried support groups. Not found one that fits my family. Tried counselling... 15 mins in she was in tears and I hadn't even got started on the really shitty bits in life. I didn't go back.

I am actually a funny caring person. I am a very good friend. But... It's not returned. I suspect because we come as a package deal. I'm good for coffee, but never an evening sort of thing. I understand. My kids are very hard work.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. But finding a man special enough to accept my children is a very long shot. That thought hurts.

And it's really strange. From all the people I have known over the years, those who have been kindest live the furthest away. And that is probably due to there being no expectations on my part. You're not going to do a 600 mile round trip if you have work the next day, are you?

I suppose I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Its a sunny Bank Holiday Monday. And even if we could get out and about, I'd have no one to spend it with. And that makes me feel so sad.

Could all be worse, I suppose.

That all sounds really hard. You sound really resilient to have coped with all that for so long. I'm not surprised you feel sorry for yourself.

Have you at least found a nice supportive Facebook support group if real life ones haven't suited for now? There must be other parents who have similarly difficult situations who want to chat. I'm so sorry there hasn't been better support for you, that's disgraceful.

There is a daytime choir called Singing Mamas where people can bring their children and many of the groups have older homeschooled kids and I have a feeling they'd be supportive of you bringing yours along - there just might not be one near you. It's worth googling.

Katie Piper's book on confidence is a gem - it's worth reading even if it only helped you feel the tiny bit different about yourself.

Aww you poor thing.You sound lovely.I am not helpful but I just wanted to say you sound really nice. The only thing that might make you feel a bit better is that the only thing that’s a certainty in life is change, your life can change in a moment, so it might not always be like this for you.