What to do about my Nan!

[Hairydogmummy]

My Nan who i adore, like a third parent to me, is 88 and has COPD. My DM is an only child and they see/speak all the time but my Nan is still v independent and lives alone. Despite DM offering that they and my DF isolate together at hers, she chose to stay home. DM and DF have still isolated so she can still go round and sit with her at a distance. Arguably they shouldn't even be doing that but anyway. DM has suspected for a while that she's still having her friend round to the house. He's a lot younger than Nan and is wonderful with her, collecting stuff, checking on her etc as he always has but he's been very blasé about coronavirus. Still popping to the shops on the bus, still visiting other friends, caring for kids etc. DM went round yesterday and he was in the house. DM was devastated, she's been worried sick about Nan, done everything to keep her safe and she's still been having her friend who's not been distancing even, in her house. She told her off quite sternly I think and Nan, who's feisty to say the least, denied he'd been in any other times, turned it round on DM, telling her how much she'd upset her by telling her off etc. I need to ring Nan today, I've not spoken to her for a week or so but what do I say? I feel I want to tell her how wrong her actions are, how she's putting herself and DM at risk, we've all tried so hard to keep her safe, it's been so hard for her and us keeping her great grandchildren away from her to protect her.

Honestly, do nothing. She is an adult with many years of experience. She is entitled to live her life however she wants. How lovely that she has a friend. So many people her age are all alone.

She's 88, it's her choice how her final years go. Let her be.

At 88 she's probably thinking she doesn't want her short time left stuck alone. I'd probably get my boyfriend round too.

At 88 and ill she may not have time to rebuild a life after this is over. I'd let her get on with it.

Say nothing and your Mum is going to have to come to terms with this too. I say this as someone whose Dad is 83 with COPD and hypertension.

Let her be. She has to live her life for her and not for your family I'm afraid. If I were 88 there's no way I'd want to hide away without any company or enjoyment in life, let alone 88 and with COPD. I cared for my Grandmother when she had end stage COPD and as I'm sure I don't need to tell you, it's a hellish condition. I'd rather my Grandmother(If she was still here) did whatever she could to enjoy her remaining time. Quality of life is more important imho.

Also I know that it's out of love but she is an adult and able to make her own decisions.

Yeah I know what you mean...do we all stay away though? I was thinking soon we may all be able to see her but I guess she's made her choice as you say. I feel I at least need to make her aware that we can't mix with her, if she's having him round. It's not like a boyfriend thing, he has this woman half his age who has a really questionable life style, out all night, drugs and stuff. She sort of keeps him dangling in a semi romantic way so he runs round after her and cares for her son. She's not been lonely as such. Between us, we call in (chat from 6 feet away on doorstep) or ring several times a day. I get what you mean though. She's an adult, still capable of own choices. The lies are bothering me though too. It's not fair to lie to DM like that.

No I'd see her. She shouldn't be forced to choose and I'd want to see her. You don't know how much time you have left with her. I'd rather enjoy that time.

No, perhaps she shouldn't be lying to your Mother, though really that's her business, but then your Mother shouldn't be treating her like a child and browbeating her like that, even if it is out of love and concern.

Thanks. It's good to have an objective perspective. We are all upset about not being able to see her and that's mostly because we're having to keep her grandchildren (me and my sister) and the 4 great grandchildren away for her safety. But is there no point now anyway when we're all playing it very safe and she's mixing with a man who is in town so often he gets stopped by the police and sleeps in the bed of that woman he's with when he's left with her child. He's mid 70s himself.

I don't think the man's love life has anything to do with this. Anyway she needs to be allowed to make her own decisions and not be berated like a child. Let her enjoy her remaining time, and enjoy it with her.

No...I just worry about the risk to mum and dad. Dad is over 70 himself and I just envisage all three of them getting it off this man because of his lifestyle. I wouldn't be anything like as bothered if it was someone who I knew was being careful but he isn't at all. He's very much not ones telling me what to do, I'll see who I like and do what I like' don't get me wrong, he's nice and so good to nanny but this bloody virus just makes me worry about what other people I'm linked to are up to!