Hi everyone
I'd like to ask your advice on a situation I'm encountering in my work place.
I've been working at my job for nearly 13 years, in that time I've become quite close to my supervisor, we spend a lot of our working day together and therefore confide about our home lives etc. We don't socialise outside of work (obvs not atm!) but we are what I would term as friends.
Around six years ago her Husband died very suddenly of a heart attack, at the age of 52. After around six months, she was at a party at a neighbours house when another (male) neighbour made a move on her. Long story short, he had a girlfriend who he lived with, but my friend started having an affair with him. He would pop over to her house for sex if his gf went out, after texting the code words "are you putting the kettle on?".
Fast forward three years, his girlfriend moved out. She didn't find out about the affair as far as I know. I reckon she moved out because this guy is a grade A tw*t, as I have now come to learn.
After the girlfriend moved out my friend told this guy she wanted more from him than just sex, he told her he couldn't give her more so she went on a date with another, very nice, guy. When neighbour guy found out about this, miraculously he was suddenly able to give her the relationship she had asked for.....
Over the course of the relationship this guy has become gradually more and more of a complete b*stard. The first thing to go was the sex, they last had sex 18 months ago, and on that occasion apparently it was a failed attempt (not sure why). He hasn't tried since, but on top of this, he doesn't kiss or cuddle her, they don't snuggle on the settee, she says he sits as far away as he can. In bed at night he tells her off if she doesn't stay on 'her side' of the bed, and on one occasion he told her to turn the opposite way as he didn't want her face to be facing his face!
My friend has been confiding in me for a few years now about all of this. A year or so ago she started to mention that he had started to talk about selling his house and moving in with her. I begged her to think long and hard about this, as at this point she was in tears most days at work due to his cruel behaviour. She then told me about a massive tax bill he had received and didn't have the means to pay.. jump forward a couple of weeks, his house is on the market, it's now sold and he has moved in with my friend.
There is no doubt in my mind that he moved in with her to get himself out of a financial hole. Since moving in with her his behaviour towards her has worsened. He is currently furloughed and sits around doing nothing all day. He then has the cheek to text her every day at around 3pm, asking what's for dinner that evening. She then panics about what to cook because nothing is ever good enough. She buys their food from M&S every day, even though she claims to be skint. She then goes home and cooks, every night, even though he has been lazing about all day. He then complains about the food. Every night. It is either not cooked properly, not healthy, not tasty, not all ready at the same time, not ready at the precise time that he wants it to be ready etc etc. He then complains when she puts the dirty dishes in the dishwasher, saying that it's un-ecomonical and that she should get rid of the dishwasher and use a bowl 'like everyone else does'. He also complains about wasted food (which he doesn't pay for..) last week he kicked off because a lettuce had gone off and had to be thrown away.....
Added to all of this, he owes her £1000 towards a holiday they took last year, and £500 he pocketed when he sold her car for her (he put the money in his pocket and never mentioned it again) this was around a year ago. She has never asked for any of this money back and he has never mentioned paying it back.
Last week he said they needed to sort out halving the bills but stipulated clearly that he wasn't going to help pay her mortgage.. when she questioned this he laughed and said "you should have made me sign on the dotted line BEFORE I moved in". So currently he has almost £200,000 sitting happily in the bank, and has no rent or mortgage to pay, and also never contributes towards the shopping. He also recently received an inheritance from his Mother's estate, not sure how much that is for, but let's just say this guy is currently sitting extremely pretty.
The latest episode of this guy's cruelty happened just a couple of days ago. They were in bed together and she leaned over to reach something and accidentally brushed his arm with her hand. Apparently he abruptly pulled his arm away, turned to her and said in a loud voice 'NO PHYSICAL CONTACT'. He then tried to back track and said it was because he was too warm, but come on, you don't speak to the woman you 'love' like that do you?
My reason for writing this post is because I'm currently at a loss as to how to advise her. I spend a lot of hours alone with this friend in work, at the moment those hours are spent with her talking and crying and me trying my best to advise and counsel her. All of my advice has fallen on deaf ears, I begged her not to move him in as I could see how badly he was treating her and I knew it would get worse once he had his foot in the door of her house.
It's becoming increasingly frustrating to listen to her talk about the same problems over and over, yet she does absolutely nothing about it. She never stands up for herself, never challenges him when he speaks to her like she's a piece of s*it. She won't talk to him about the sex issue, which I just don't get at all, if you've not had sex with your partner for 18 months, surely you would want to know why? And why would you move that person into your house? She gets absolutely nothing positive from this relationship, he criticises everything she does, shows her no love or affection, doesn't contribute to the outgoings at present, doesn't do anything for her around the house and the only time he is nice towards her is when other people are around (her Daughter's or friends etc).
I'm at my wit's end. I have been listening to this almost daily for 3 years now and I feel like my sympathy has all but depleted. I'm now at the point where I think she is spineless and stupid to put up with his behaviour, and I don't really want to waste my energy and breath advising her anymore, she never utilises the advice anyway. What can I do moving forward to distance myself from this situation? I spend most of my working day in the same office as this friend, I'm a captive audience. I don't want to desert her as I'm the only person she confides in, but with everything else that's going on in the world I'm finding this work situation extremely draining, I often go home feeling drained and low.
I'm happy to hear any opinions or advice on how to move forward with this situation. Please don't think I'm a mean hearted person, I have cried with this woman over the way this man treats her, but I think my own mental health is important too. I didn't sign up to be anyone's counsellor and that's how I feel at the moment.