Widowed and using maiden name

[Allwehearisradiogaga]

If you are widowed and reverted back to using your maiden name, what did you do with regard to your kids surname? Did they continue with the family name or did they go on to use your maiden name?

Why would you revert though?

Thought that would be more likely on

Divorce

Two of my social circle have done this, however they do not have DC so turned to the world of mumsnet!

Why would you want to change the childrens name? How confusing and potentially really upsetting for them. Their Dad died and while grieving their Mum changed their name. Leave it be. If at some future stage the children decide to change, so be it. Enough trauma and confusion in their lives.

I dont know anyone widowed who has done this.

Though the only widowed people I know, don't have kids.

Possibly, if you are widowed with no kids, i can understand people wanting to change back. It can be a painful reminder.

When you have kids, I think changing their name would be really uosetting. Like you are erasing the other parent. As a parent, I wouldnt change my name back either. I think it woild be more important to keep the status quo, for the kids.

If you are widowed and reverted back to using your maiden name, what did you do with regard to your kids surname? Did they continue with the family name or did they go on to use your maiden name?

I really, really wouldn’t change the surname of a grieving child away from the name of the lost parent. Very bad idea.

Presumably we are talking about your own situation OP? What are you trying to achieve?

If you want to retain a name link to the D.C. but also to resume your own (maiden) name, maybe double barrelling is your best bet?

How recently were you widowed? Was the marriage failing before your bereavement? Have you discovered something negative about your marriage since you were widowed?

Maybe the best thing of all would be to postpone all changes for a year?

Why would you change your child's name?!

I don't know any widows who reverted to their maiden name either but to change your children's name is bonkers.

It's not my situation no, it's a extended family member. They were considering using their maiden name again but were unsure of what to do with DC. Thanks for the replies tho x

I suppose it depends on what the marriage situation was like prior to being widowed - for instance my friend was on the verge of leaving her h, to the extent she had enquired to the council about housing when her h had a heart attack and died, she was upset but found the grieving widow tough because she felt relief in someways (very good life assurance so house paid off and monthly income from his employer scheme, benefits were better then for the kids) and of course couldn't admit it. She did change her name after a couple of years when she started dating but her kids didn't. Another friend kept her maiden name anyway, one kid chose to keep fathers surname, other took mother's surname

When my sister was widowed she had 3 teenagers. She kept her married name , as did the children. There was never any thought of going back to her maiden name . Even when she eventually married again, she kept the same name as her children .

I found when looking at my family history that some of the women reverted to their maiden name when widowed but it seemed to be the Scottish side. Maybe there is some Scottish tradition for doing that? The children continued to use the family name.

I was separated when I was widowed, with a view to getting a divorce. I was also in a new relationship. I changed back to my maiden name but I didn't even consider my kids changing theirs. They were very young at the time and don't remember much of their dad but I wanted them to have some connection to him.

I know half a dozen widows wheee the husband has died whilst the children were under 16. Four of the women had started using their husbands surname when they got married and continue to do so; one had continued to use her own surname but switched to just using her husband's surname; another now still uses her own surname at work but appears to use her husband's name much more outside of work.
The widower I know has been much more insistent about using both parts of their double barrelled (but not hyphenated) surname. The first part is the mum's surname and was occasionally dropped by people (I think the lack of hyphen meant some were't sure if it was a surname or middle name).

I think it used to be quite common to do this. Nowadays many people don’t change their names in the first place. I certainly wouldn’t. Kids get both names.

Gramgram yes, Scottish women (in the lowlands anyway) didn’t historically change their names on marriage, same as Sweden.

I don’t know any widows that have reverted back to their maiden name.

It would have hurt a lot to have had my dad's surname erased after he died, especially in the first few years.

A friend of mine was widowed at a young age with a 5 yr old DD. No names changed. In fact, when she married 5 years later, she kept her name the same as she didn't want her DD to feel like her dad was completely forgotten.

I was widowed at 33 with 2 small DC, we were only married for two weeks (deathbed wedding). I didn't change my name.

Children still have their father's name and always will, they'd be devastated to lose it. They don't need the same surname as me, I gave birth to them, I know they're mine!

I have never heard of a widow changing their surname and I certainly wouldn't change the dcs name unless abuse etc was involved. Disrespectful to the husband to put it mildly imo

@megaclutteeslut

Do not presume to judge widows. We do whatever we need to cope.