Does it matter that he doesn't know?

[BananaMasher]

Heya
I'm just wondering what people think. Posted here as I'm not a fan of AIBU... I'm happily married to my DH and have no intention of rocking the boat. However, I occasionally feel terribly dishonest. I'm bisexual and he doesn't know.
Let me explain more, I grew up in the 80s. When I was a teenager I had lots of crushes on girls and boys. It was not ok to admit you were attracted to the same sex at that time - "lemon" being used as a term of abuse quite readily. I was pretty naive and didn't know being bisexual was a thing. I knew I wasn't a lesbian as I fancied boys too so I guess I thought I was straight for a while.
Cue the 90s when I experimented a little but still didn't understand what bisexual meant and felt I couldn't own that identity. It was a time when it became "trendy" for women to snog their mates on nights out to impress men and lots of people talked about how affected it was for women to declare they were bisexual. I hated all of that and veered away.
Although I never came "out", I made the mistake of telling a long-term boyfriend I was bisexual and the biphobia I encountered from him was awful. He pretended he could cope with it but ultimately he felt I was unlikely to remain faithful to him so HE strayed.
Since then, I've kept completed buttoned up on the subject and lived the life of a straight woman. That's worked fine on the whole although I had an agonising two year crush on a woman at work a few years ago (truly awful). She never found out and eventually it passed. Since then, all good.
I've made my peace with it tbh. I didn't grow up in a time where I was able to fully understand my sexuality or express it. I've learnt more as time goes on, know full well the grass isn't greener and feel lucky to have a great partner. Is it awful he doesn't know this about me though? I just can't risk it causing problems and will likely take it to the grave... anyone else on this situation?

I think this is a tough one. On the one hand, you're committed to your OH, so it shouldn't matter what your sexuality is. Because you've no intention of straying with a man or woman.

And bringing it up now could make him worry unnecessarily (e.g. are you telling him because you are unfulfilled).

On the other hand, I've never found that hiding things from a long-term partner works. The fact you have a secret becomes bigger than the secret itself.

If it were me, I'd tell him. But I'd do it sensitively. E.g. I love you. I want for nothing. This isn't me telling you I want something else. I just don't want to have secrets from you. I'm bisexual.

If that's a problem and he can't love all the parts of you, maybe he's the wrong guy? Obviously if he's biphobic, he's a wrong'un and to be avoided.

I can see why it's hard tho. There's a sense of why bother when it doesn't affect your relationship and he might react poorly. Not because he's bigoted, but maybe out of insecurity and fear he won't be enough for you.

But I think in the long term having the secret will come between you.

I think it's very much in the language that you use with him.
I would not just tell him I was bisexual but lead into it gently over a series of conversations over a long period of time. Perhaps starting with a simple 'previous relationships' conversation where you might simply state - you know that when I talk of my girlfriends I dont mean female friends but actual 'girlfriends'
He might not feel so attacked by the word if he comes to understand slowly what you are trying to express to him.

Thanks both of you for taking the time to reply. Have either of you known anyone in this situation? I just feel like I should have talked about it 20 years ago if I was going to. So tricky I tend not to think about it that often. Something I was reading made me think about it today...