9yr old saying he wants to hurt himself (may be upsetting)

[WhatBecomesOfTheBrokenHearted]

This is very hard for me to write. I don't know where to turn.

DS. 9 yrs old. Doing very well in school. Always glowing reports. Behaviour impeccable. At top of the class in reading and maths.

No SEN issues.
Last 18 months when he's stressed he's started to hit himself in the head. Or hit his head against things. He shouts and screams.

The behaviour is usually tied to his older siblings who are 'annoying him' or general sibling arguments.
The littlest thing can send him off.

Since lockdown it's escalated and he's started to say her wants to kill himself
Or stab himself

I don't know what to do anymore or where to turn.

We live in a tiny house. We are on top of each other. There's no space for nayof us to chill. I can't move as it's housing association and there are no bigger properties. I've been on house swap list for 2 years with no enquiries.

I don't know what to do with him

I can't explain how should destroying it is to hear your child say those horrible things. I try to calm him down but it doenst help.

He goes from the sweetest, kindest boy to this ball of sad, frustration.

I've talked to him when he's calm and he just says he gets so stressed and frustrated that he just says those things. He says he doenst mean them but when he is in the mist of it he says he does.

I'm so scared of him hurting himself more than he already is with the head smacking.

I don't want him to be one of those kids who tries to do something in frustration and ends up gone.

I'm crying so much typing this.

I don't even know who to turn to.

I thought school? But how do I say he says those things? They'll think I'm a terrible parent.

I don't even know where he's got it from.

I'm just broken.

He's just had another episode and I'm sat upstairs sobbing

Nothings happened for him to have this switch. We've talked in depth and there's no event that's triggered it.
It's just gotten worse as time goes on.

Had anyone been through this?

Could you give him your room as a safe space ??

I lived with two Autistic dc in a not very big house for years and managing boiled down to the adults giving a little. So our room was open to use.

Practically that can help, but you also need to be getting advice via your GP and accessing support for him through CAHMS.

DS did this a bit. It was very worrying but I felt it was immaturity and he couldn't express how he was really feeling. He's grown out of it.

He sounds so frustrated. And this situation is beyond frustrating for everyone.

He needs somewhere safe to vent that frustration. Punch bag or even a cushion that he can hit without hurting himself might be an idea.

Long term I'd maybe ask for MH help but short term quick fix that would be my thoughts.

Do you need to get referral from Doctor for CAMHS.
Could you speak to your doctor about it.
Would an informal word with the school help.
Have they noticed anything.

My 8 year old DD was suicidal last year. I took her to the GP who did an urgent CAMHS referral. She was seen within a few weeks as she was talking about how she was going to do it. I also got her private counselling which helped hugely, she really needed someone outside of the family to talk to.
I also found it useful to talk to a counsellor myself as it is a hugely stressful thing to deal with. Be kind to yourself too

Try reading The Explosive Child. It will reassure you x

I try to suggest alternatives. Pinging an elastic band on Their wrist, jumping up and down hard, putting on loud music and dancing crazily sort of thing. Trying to help them spot the physical and mental signs they are reaching that point.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is so upsetting. My son now ages 10, started to do this when he was 7/8. Tantrums, angry outbursts, into wanting to kill himself, he came downstairs and picked up a kitchen knife and said he was going to stab himself with it. It was terrifying. He has hung out of windows saying he would jump ..
For us, it was behavior due to not knowing how to vent his feeling and not knowing how to express himself in any other way.
I went to CAMHS totally useless, the GP supportive but no answers just referred to stuff when I asked.
The thing that helped was a play therapist. It was expensive - but I would pay double for how it helped, but it takes time - 9 months for us. It also takes looking at yourself as a parent and working out how you can stay calmer to deal with his emotions. He can’t cope with the emotions and is acting in a way to try and tell you. So you have to complete control your emotions and be with him as he goes though these and until he can start to verbalize it a bit more.
I know it’s hard work, but being as calm as possible as he rages so he knows that you will still love him despite all the behaviour.
Good luck xx

My 8 yo does this and threatens to murder me, he was doing this when stressed before lockdown but has got worse in lockdown. I have just got in touch with the council's educational psychologist, your school should be able to give you the number or the local council education services website might have it on. I went to the doctor a year or so ago and they said I should speak to the school, which i did but nothing happened because they didn't see any issues in school.

I'm a primary school teacher and if you told me what you've written then it wouldn't cross my mind to judge you or to think that you're a bad parent. Nor would anyone else that I've ever worked with in school. We'd just be full of sympathy for both you and your son, and want to do what we can to help.

If you know your son's teacher fairly well then that might be the easiest person to contact first. Otherwise, phone the office and ask to speak to the Inclusion Manager (could be a different title in your school eg SEN co-ordinator). If she's busy, ask if she can give you a ring.

The inclusion manager doesn't just deal with children with SEN. She'll be responsible for children having a difficult time in other ways and should be able to help you to access the support that your poor ds clearly needs.

I'm so relieved that this isn't such an unusual thing. Of course I'm sad people are going through the same but I feel better knowing I'm not alone.

School have no clue. He's a model student there.

I can't give him my room. Where would DH and I sleep? I don't even have a dining room to convert. It's literally a small room and kitchen downstairs.

Do you think I should go school or gp first?

It must be heartbreaking for you to see and hear this from your child. Asking for help is the best way for you to deal with this nobody will think you are a terrible parent. I'm sorry I have no real advice it's not a situation I have found myself in. Letting him use your room as a safe space was a good suggestion from a pp. Also the punchbag. Be good to yourself. Please don't hope he will grow out of it though treat it as if he is serious and get him help

When my DD began talking about this, it was a reaction to not being able to cope with things that were happening (not bad things, just stressy things). No SEN, impeccable behaviour at school etc. CAMHS said it was part of black and white thinking associated with Asperger's syndrome, and that she didn't want to be dead, just couldn't see any other way of handling problems. She was masking so hard in school, it was taking all her energy, and it got to a point that she would meltdown almost as soon as she walked in the house with the effort of holding everything together all day.
So we worked on lots of ways to deal with stress, and it really helped.
I read The Explosive Child too, which is an excellent book, and helped us in many ways.

Have you looked at misophonia. DD really struggles with noise (always has, from being born) and certain types of noises in particular (slurping tea makes her growl!). People can have misophonia without having autism.

How many older siblings are we talking about? Is there somewhere in the house he could have a pop-up tent? Anything so that he has some private space without others encroaching.
For some people it's a very deep need to have solitude- it doesn't mean there's something wrong, it's how introverts recharge. He will be exhausted if he doesn't have alone time when he's an introvert, asd or not!
Good luck- I do understand how scary it is when our small children say these type of things. Our GP was an enormous help, took it very seriously and referred to camhs straight away. I went to see him without DD, with a big long list of things.

Sorry- at camhs she had art therapy and they gave her a toolkit to deal with her worries.

I'm so sorry your boy is going through this. It's very distressing to see someone you love in pain -- but also very upsetting to see them hurt themselves when they do it.

I don't know if this will help, but my DH also self-harms this way (by hitting himself in the face). He says he started doing it as a child too. In the last few years he finally found a therapist who is helping. As well as working on the underlying issues, the therapist helped him come up with alternative ways to deal with the impulse to harm himself. One that works well is to lie down with an ice pack over his face. The cold is a sharp and precise sensation, which relieves some of what he is feeling, without him actually doing himself any damage.
I would suggest finding a good therapist who has experience working with children who self harm. But in the meantime, perhaps the ice trick might help. Or something similar.

Does he have an outlet such as sports / an interest outside of school? I was similar in my youth and really found getting into rugby for social , mental and physical release really helped.

What about letting him access your room during the day so he has a bit of breathing space. Sometimes you just need to get away from everyone around you

@WhatBecomesOfTheBrokenHearted

So sorry!

Call GP and school. See whoever can see you first and then you can go from there. But see both.

Not a medical professional, but teacher/speech language professional/personal experience:

You've gotten a lot of good advice. Keep in mind that depression manifests itself differently in girls and boys. Girls typically turn inward and seem sad, cry, or complain of physical aches and pains. Pretty easy to spot. Boys typically get turn outwards and get angry and act out physically.

If this all started 18 months ago, without any precipitating event, It's possible DS has chemical depression, particularly if there is someone in the family (primary and extended) who had it or (were/are) suspected of having it (?). (The older generation seems to deny it front, back and sideways).

Hormones can also start surging early - very confusing. Typically earlier in girls, but I wouldn't discount that, either.

This situation, of course, can only make all that worse. (i.e. older siblings - yet another thing he can't control...

It's probably a mix of all those things. Sounds like you are on the right track to suss it out. As far as living arrangements? I think your GP might have some suggestions.

Its really hard to hear your children say things like wanting to kill themselves or hating their life. I went through this with my son when he was in year 6 and it was really distressing and panicked me so much. I think its more common than we realise but a lot of people don't speak about it .
I think what previous people have said about having a quiet space he knows he can go to is helpful. The thing that helped my son was an app for kids ( they do one for adults too ) called calm . He used to put his headphones on and listen to it and he said it helped him. Although not immediately possible maybe because of the lockdown but maybe something to consider when you can, is him taking up one of the martial art type activities which I know have helped some children with similar feelings as it allows a physical outlet while also showing them about how be remain mentally calm ( sorry haven't explained that very well but what im trying to say is its good for the mind and body )
All the best x

The behaviour is usually tied to his older siblings who are 'annoying him' or general sibling arguments.
The littlest thing can send him off.

I think we need examples of what the older siblings are doing and how often.

Since lockdown it's escalated and he's started to say her wants to kill himself
Or stab himself

What happens when you tell his siblings to leave him alone? Do they? Or have they continued to bully him, whilst he is openly suicidal?