When your ex is a bigoted arse and still in your DC life, how do you handle it?

[NutellaOnButteryToast]

Hi,

So I'm going to need to apologise in advance for some of the remarks I'm going to repeat, to give you an idea of what I'm dealing with.

DD (13) usually sees her dad every other weekend and tbh, I'm always counting down the minutes until she's home again. Not just because I miss her. Sometimes it's nice to have a bit of alone time with DP, but mainly because I just hate her being influenced in any way by him.

He's always said stupid, inappropriate things. Often sexist, racist and homophobic, so a real gem 👍 He will insist there isn't any malice and that it's just casual banter type comments

Anyway, sadly I'm used to it and I have learnt to just ignore with an eye roll, but of course sometimes I have to pull him up on it, when it involves my DD. I don't want her head being filled with that poison and that's what it is. Just because he doesn't say 'I hate black people' or 'it's wrong to be gay' he's still doing damage by saying the things he does.....

Apparently he told DD yesterday that he'd had to cut his own hair, but he now "looks like a fag"

I was so cross and DD went from awkward smirk, whilst telling me, to completely embarrassed. I told her it was a disgusting thing to say and he should know better and she said "I know. I don't know why he says things like that" and I just thought, she's 13 and she has known this forever, yet he's in his late 30's and still thinks it's ok!

I was so tempted to pick up my phone and tell him not to speak that way around her, but I've done this before and it never gets me anywhere. I get the, you parent your way and I'll parent my way, speech

What makes it even worse is that I'm in a relationship with a woman and my DD has recently said she thinks she might be bisexual, so comments like this, from you dad, are incredibly damaging. She already feels like she has to protect us from idiot homophobes, but when it's coming from someone you're supposed to look up to, well....it's just a bit shit really.

Another example is, if DD tells him about a new friend whose name isn't a typically white british name, he always asks "are they black"? And when DD or I challenge him on it, he insists it's not racist, he's just asking the question blah blah. You know the sort. Call it casual racism, if such a thing exists, but he just doesn't need to ask! Why is he asking?

Back to the homophobia, he apparently reguarly does impressions of 'gay men' and will act camp and tell DD that it's ok because he has gay friends etc. That old chestnut.

I'm fighting a losing battle aren't I?

It's that constant drip feed of bigotry that I hate my DD being around, but when it comes down to it, what can I do? Other than tell him I don't want him speaking that way in front of her.

Does anyone else have an ex like this? How do you deal with it?

TIA

I have no specific experience but I do feel your pain. I imagine a LOT of people have similar situations with their parents or PIL - mine aren't too bad but the odd comment does raise my hackles.

My instinct says that the best you can do is continue to talk to your DD. If she tells you these comments, discuss with her whether she thinks they're appropriate and why not. Discuss how it might make a black person/gay person etc feel? If she has friends who are the target of these types of comments, how would they feel?

It's also worth doing some reading. Over the years I've read so much about this stuff - usually just here and there rather than formally - but it's really informed my thinking. Stuff about white privilege, unconscious bias etc. Read Invisible Women as a great way to start thinking about how the white male is default (and get her to too).

As she gets older, especially if she's exploring her own sexuality, she's going to clearly see how ridiculous these comments are. And it will damage her relationship with him because she won't be willing to put up with it.

@BlingLoving, yes, you're probably right. I always hope that he will mature and just stop being an arse and start realising how much influence he has on DD, but then he clearly doesn't think he's doing anything wrong.

You're not going to change him, so don't give him the headspace.

From the sounds of things your DD knows when he's being inappropriate - support her. How about making a joke of it, when she comes home from being with him ask her - so what howlers did your Dad come up with this weekend? Or give her a Bingo sheet and she can tick off the words / phrases and time it took for him to complete the sheet.

She can even include her Dad as well - oo Dad, you filled the Bingo sheet up in record time this weekend! sort of thing.

No, it doesn't sound like he will change. Many people do. I have learnt a lot about unconscious bias over the years and I have no doubt that my views on things have changed as a result. Similarly, things I used to think were just joking or banter I've come to realise aren't. so behaviour in the office I tolerated in my early 20s from men I would flat out refuse to tolerate now.

But it doesn't sound like h has any interest in improving himself. it also sounds like he quite likes winding you up. And h'll probably enjoy winding your DD up in time too. Let him get on with it - DD will decide she's uninterested in spending time with someone like that and he'll be the loser.

I do like the bingo idea though too!

Listen, he won’t ever change... certainly not to please you. So, you need to find a way to cope with it. Your DD sounds very sensible and like she understands that what he is saying is idiotic. It doesn’t sound to me like you have much to worry about. I have been exposed to people with stupid views like that and it has never made me think that way. It might be worth sitting her down and having a chat with her about it and tell her you don’t agree with how her DF expresses himself and hope she understands that it isn’t acceptable. You will probably find she agrees with you

That Bingo idea is hilarious but also means you will have to write down some horrible things, which in the long run probably isn’t helpful. You really want to give it no fuel and take the power away from him

This might be one of those occasions where you have to drop the rope. Don't make her feel in the middle of you and her dad. Acknowledge he's an arse and move on. Although he's a bigot, he's still her dad, and she loves him. Presumably she can accept him with faults, don't force her to choose one parent right, one parent wrong, it isn't fair. She didn't choose either of you, you chose each other.

Was he like this when you were together or is it all
a big dig at you now being in a same sex relationship?

My goddaughter’s father is like this. Horrendous racism dressed up as “bantz”. When she was 16 she refused his offer to have a pre-Prom get together at his house (large garden and v convenient for the event) as one of her friends is of asian background and she didn’t want her anywhere near her father. He was horrified and upset and went on for weeks about how he hadn’t meant it all and was joking and he’d never say anything to embarrass her or be rude to her friends. But the bottom line is that his own teenage daughter saw him for the racist he is and didn’t trust him so she set her own boundaries and rejected him. Roll forward 3 years and she has little or nothing to do with him. Her choice made completely as a result of his actions, statements and attitudes (not that he sees it that way).

So I guess my comment to OP is to teach your DD tolerance, respect and kindness, teach her about boundaries, support her to enforce those boundaries and have faith in her.

So generally consensus is, suck it up and accept it's who he is.

I know that's really all I can do, but honestly, putting the anger aside, I get really sad that she doesn't have a dad who is a positive role model.

I see that the older she gets, the more she realises just how inappropriate he can be and I think she's becoming embarrassed. I know she gets upset when she sees other dads (like her uncle, who she adores) putting in the effort, being thoughtful and make time together fun and exciting, not just a trip to McDonald's or B&Q. Honestly He has blamed me for not giving him basically an itinerary and will suggest taking her there for the majority of their time together, as he's got bits to pick up anyway. Doesn't matter if she's bored out of her skull!

He makes a lot of false promises and thinks he should be rewarded if he buys her a pair of shoes and just generally needs to shape up tbh!

Anyway, I could go on, but it will turn into an epic rant.

@tiredanddangerous, no, he was always like that actually.

I would carry on as you are OP, being the voice of reason to your daughter and confirming how inappropriate your ex'es comments are. Your DD sounds quite mature in her outlook so you're obviously doing a good job.

How is your DDs relationship with her dad? Does she feel confident enough to say "please don't use homophobic language, it upsets me" when he comes out with this 'banter'? Maybe if she said it to her dad he'd listen.

@HopeYouStepOnALego, I wouldn't say it's great. I think she's in denial sometimes and tries to convince herself that he's better than he is. She often says that she feels awkward around him.

There have been times when she has said that she doesn't like what he says, but he'll just tell her not to be so soft