Can I make a funeral private?

[Survivor12345]

I've just found out that my estranged brother has died. He left a will identifying me as his next of kin and executor. I am organising his funeral, but I want to make it private to prevent his psycho ex from attending. They divorced 15 years ago and had no children, but she is very toxic and would be highly disruptive. She knew he was struggling but always screamed: 'I'll dance on his grave' charmer that she is. Our parents are both in a care home with dementia and I have POA over their affairs. I told them today that he has passed away, it registered but they are not physically or mentally able to attend. My brother has a network of close friends who want to attend, which is fine, apparently now as long as there is social distancing up to 20 people can attend according to the funeral director. My question is: has anyone organised a closed funeral before? If so, would you mind telling me how it works, and whether there is anything I need to do to ensure that it goes off smoothly. TIA for any help.

OP, just advise the funeral director that it is to be a private funeral and no details are to be disclosed if anyone makes enquiries. We are very used to this and you won't need to go into great detail.
The current restriction in mourners works in your favour as the numbers able to attend are limited. Unfortunately crematoriums are classed as public buildings and under normal circumstances we can't stop people attending, and can only have them removed if causing a disturbance.

My relative didn't want a big funeral for his partner who knew and was known by a lot of people who might have felt they should attend to show respects (which partner wouldn't have wanted either).

He only told close family and we had a small cremation service followed by lunch in a local cafe that had been important to them as a couple (obviously that 2nd bit wouldn't happen now).

After the funeral a death notice was put in the papers and there was a round of obituaries in the press etc.

Noone was crass enough to complain and relative got a lot of joy in the large number of letters he received when he was up to reading them, which brought more comfort than a shake of the hand and sorry for your loss at the crem would have.

When my dd died, I would have liked a private funeral unfortunately it wasn't possible.
In the chapel people who are attending mass are mixed with the funeral party.
Dd's funeral was attended by several hundred people when we arrived at the cemetery the cars were all the way back to the street with the police directing the traffic. I hated it.
I suppose if you only tell the people you want to attend and don't place any details in the paper you should be able to keep the numbers down.
Ask the funeral Directors they will be able to help you.
Sorry for your loss

Right now is the easiest time to do this because funerals can only have a set number of people attending (around 8, depending on the size of the crematorium/church and where you are in the UK). You establish the list of those who are coming and no one else will be allowed in.

You don't ever have to publicise a funeral, though normally they are open to whoever turns up.

I thought all funerals were private events. All the ones I have attended have been invitation only.

If it's in a church or crematorium, then no, it's open to anyone who turns up. You don't have to publicise it, so you can limit who knows where and when it's happening. And if there's a specific person who ought not to be there, the funeral directors and others can exclude them. But they are not invitation events.

Nor are weddings, in fact.

We couldn’t make my dad’s funeral private as it was in a church.

My mum insisted on turning up even though I begged her not to. They’d been divorced some time, mum had made his life hell and he’d remarried. I felt awful for my step mother.

My mum just wanted to come and play the grieving Widow. She ranted at me down the phone that I could Stop her, etc. Really nice conversation to have with your Dd who’s just lost her dad!

Dont have a funeral- it isn't compulsory

No you can't keep a funeral 'private' as they are public services by both civil and ecumenical law (public and church) .. however there are things you can do to prevent knowledge of the event. There is no requirement to publicise the funeral , therefore invite people personally..do not put notices in newspapers.

If the ex turns up you can not legally keep them out.. to avoid this keep the service quiet or dispense with this and have a direct cremation.

Many many grateful thanks to all of you who have kindly and supportively responded on this thread. This is the true spirit of Mumsnet and I really appreciate the trouble you've gone to, especially sharing your own sad experiences, CMOTDibbler I'm so sorry that you have just lost both your parents.

I was told by the funeral director today that due to current restrictions we can specify who is attending, and only they will be allowed in. Due to social distancing the door of the crematorium is locked before the start of the service, so thank you to the people who pointed out that the current tragic situation actually works to our advantage in this.

I hope that painful memories were not raked up by my questions, and once again, thanks to all, it really is appreciated.

We attended a funeral last week and only those on the list were allowed into the grounds. Any extras had to wait outside the gate. They weren't allowing anyone to visit graves to lay flowers even. We were limited to 10 people and there was only one set funeral package available. But it was a lovely, as lovely as a funeral can be.

I'm so glad to hear that your funeral director has been able to reassure you Survivor12345
Hopefully that will be a weight off your mind that will help you to come to terms with everything. It is such a difficult time for you and your emotions must be all over the place. I'm really pleased that you've had support here and I hope that the coming days are not too traumatic for you. Keep posting if it helps you. I will certainly lend an ear if it helps, and I am sure many others will too.

We had my dad's cremation this week, only me and my mum went.

We didn't do any death notices, we told friends and family not to come. We had no service.

The funeral directors did ask for a list in advance of who was coming, so that helps you.

But there is no way really for the toxic ex to find out.

They were very strict about the distancing, with marked out lines and closed rows, seats with notices not to use them, etc.

We are hosting an online remembrance in a week or so.

Funnily enough, that way, many more people will be involved than would ever have been without Covid as we would not have done it and so many are too elderly or infirm to travel now anyway.

I'm not in the UK, so advice might not be correct there, but here you tell the funeral directors the funeral is to be private, invite who you want to be there and then put a notice in the paper afterwards saying a private funeral has been held. Sorry for your loss.

Technically, you cannot make a funeral private as it is a public thing that happens for society and for the register.

So, usually, the doors are open and anyone can come in.

But that is not the case currently.