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Original poster

Can I make a funeral private?

39 replies

Survivor12345 · 20/05/2020 23:21

I've just found out that my estranged brother has died. He left a will identifying me as his next of kin and executor. I am organising his funeral, but I want to make it private to prevent his psycho ex from attending. They divorced 15 years ago and had no children, but she is very toxic and would be highly disruptive. She knew he was struggling but always screamed: 'I'll dance on his grave' charmer that she is. Our parents are both in a care home with dementia and I have POA over their affairs. I told them today that he has passed away, it registered but they are not physically or mentally able to attend. My brother has a network of close friends who want to attend, which is fine, apparently now as long as there is social distancing up to 20 people can attend according to the funeral director. My question is: has anyone organised a closed funeral before? If so, would you mind telling me how it works, and whether there is anything I need to do to ensure that it goes off smoothly. TIA for any help.

OP posts:
LilacTree1 · 20/05/2020 23:26

My father’s funeral wasn’t listed anywhere

I had previously been alarmed by posts on MN saying it was impossible to keep private but I don’t know why they said that. If only the right people know where and when it is, it should be fine.

I don’t know if funeral places have public lists but in order to find out, she’d have to check numerous places?

Will she even know he’s passed?

I must go as I have almost no battery left but hopefully others can help.

indemMUND · 20/05/2020 23:29

Have a word with the funeral directors, to be passed on to those who assist on the day. We had a similar situation a few years ago and they agreed to stop the person in question from attending. Luckily they didn't try in the end. If only up to 20 people can attend can you provide names to be let in and anyone not on the list to be excluded? I appreciate that it's bloody difficult to manage at the moment but worth asking.

wafflyversatile · 20/05/2020 23:33

I would think the funeral directors have some experience of this and should be able to advise.

MrsAvocet · 20/05/2020 23:44

I am sorry for your loss OP. It sounds a very difficult situation for you. But you absolutely can control who is there. My friend's husband died recently, and the numbers were very restricted. I think they were only allowed 10 mourners, most of which were their immediate family plus a couple of his oldest friends. She basically gave the details to the funeral directors and they contacted them for her. Because he was a really popular man they did put a notice in the local paper and on social media explaining the situation so that people could pay their respects at the road side but only those listed were able to enter the crematorium. If you don't name the ex wife she won't be allowed in, and I guess unless any of your brother's friends tell her, she won't even know the funeral is happening. I don't think you have any obligation to inform her as she isn't legally connected to him any more is she, and there was clearly no love lost between them.

Original poster
Survivor12345 · 20/05/2020 23:52

Many thanks for everyone's replies. Thank you so much Mrs Avocet, your post in particular has comforted me. I have just had a wave of grief this evening after being on autopilot all day, so I really appreciate all of your kind support.

Tomorrow I will explain the situation to the Funeral Directors and ask that only a set list of people can have entry.

OP posts:
Original poster
Survivor12345 · 21/05/2020 00:36

Bump in case anyone else has anything to add. TIA

OP posts:
Ellmau · 21/05/2020 00:49

And don't tell her it's happening, although she might be in contact with some of the friends.

Horsemad · 21/05/2020 06:16

I know someone who died last year of cancer and the death notice didn't go in the paper until after the funeral had taken place.

Only immediate family (spouse and adult DC) attended, this was at the deceased's request.

I'm sure you could just privately notify his friends and then put a notice in the paper after the funeral?

Sorry for your loss. Flowers

Robs20 · 21/05/2020 06:30

Yes you can. We didn’t want masses turning up at my daughter’s funeral. We invited a select group of people and made it clear to them/ the funeral directors that no one else was to attend. So sorry for your loss.

JessicaDay · 21/05/2020 06:30

We had a private funeral for my mum so my dad couldn’t attend. We let the funeral directors know. A couple of uncles also volunteered to bar him if somehow he found out, but it didn’t come to that.

The people were individually invited by phone with details and a request to keep it low key (most people were aware of the background, those that she knew later in life and weren’t aware of it had no real connection to him, they did know she was a private person so it didn’t jar).

When we placed an death announcement in the local paper we simply said “funeral private’ rather than list a place and time, as we felt that would be ok. If you think it’d be likely to spur an unwelcome visitor, it’d be possible to place the announcement after the funeral.

JessicaDay · 21/05/2020 06:30
Flowers
JacobReesMogadishu · 21/05/2020 06:31

I think most people in the current climate would accept being told that they can’t attend because of the Covid rules. They don’t need to know that actually 20 people can go. Though hopefully she won’t find out about him passing until afterwards.

SoloMummy · 21/05/2020 07:57

All funerals are considered public events.
However, morally if not publicly announcing dates etc the etiquette is not to attend unless this information is shared.
In your scenario, I would ask that the information pertaining to the funeral is not shared with others.
Sorry for your loss.

SoupDragon · 21/05/2020 08:21

Sorry for your loss Flowers

The current restrictions probably work in your favour here. I imagine the funeral directors are used to dealing with all sorts of situations and will be able to help you.

longearedbat · 21/05/2020 08:45

My mothers funeral was private at her own request, she only wanted very close family there (this was a few years ago). As far as I can remember, we didn't have any death notices either - they are not compulsory. We just invited the people she had nominated. If anyone else asked to come, we just told them it was private.
Being executor can be a thankless task by the way, you don't have to do it if you don't want to.

BlackberryCane · 21/05/2020 08:49

I wouldn't do a death notice for a start. Are there any other ways she might find out about his death before the funeral, any lines of connection between the two? If so, you'll need to either not tell them either or make sure they're primed not to mention it to her.

Redwinestillfine · 21/05/2020 08:52

I thought all funerals were private events. All the ones I have attended have been invitation only.

BubblesBuddy · 21/05/2020 08:53

The funeral director can be given a list of attendees and they get a member of staff to stand by the door asking politely for names. Everyone is restricting numbers right now so this is not unusual. Private means invited mourners only.

Kez200 · 21/05/2020 09:33

In the current climate Ive seen obits without funeral dates and a small number attending is whats allowed, not a choice afaik.

Personally at the moment, given a choice and if there were no specific wishes, I would arrange a "modern" cremation with no one and then a future gathering of appropriate people for ashes internment with a small wake at that point. Once this whole crisis is over and the right people can be there risk free.

DobbyTheHouseElk · 21/05/2020 09:36

Yes you can. My FIL had a private one. It was limited to 12 people attending. I and a couple others didn’t go so the siblings could attend. To me it was very strange and cold. But it’s perfectly possible. It was listed in the paper as a private funeral.

Hippywannabe · 21/05/2020 09:59

Hiw would she even know? I don't think anyone would tell me if exDH died and I have 3 sons with him. He chose to walk away and not see them, I do often wonder if anyone would contact us so that the boys(now all adults) would know.

Tiggles · 21/05/2020 10:19

Unless rules have recently changed in England (sorry I'm Wales so we could be different) at present only invited guests are allowed to attend funerals due to the Covid 19 regulations.

Cherrysoup · 21/05/2020 13:02

All this listing, announcing etc? You don’t have to put it anywhere in the public domain. Only ring those you want to attend and tell them not pass on details to anyone or to tell anyone he’s died. If you hit your limit, you can phone after the ceremony if you want to let them know he’s died.

CMOTDibbler · 21/05/2020 13:11

TBH, I'd do an unattended cremation, and tell his friends that they will be welcome to a celebration of his life at a later date when things are more normal. Less stressful for you, and in the current climate a funeral isn't the same as before.
I've had to organise things for both my parents since lockdown, and the funeral directors told me that many people are opting for this (as we did). We will inter their ashes under a tree at some point and remember them then

SoupDragon · 21/05/2020 13:16

I was coming back to suggest a direct cremation followed by a memorial later. I think it solves a lot of problems.