Do you ever look at your older children and feel a tiny bit of grief?

[QueenofallIsee]

I have 4 beautiful bio children (21, 15, 15 and 13) - I am proud of them, they are great kids and we get on well, I don’t have much in the way of parenting regret! I just wondered if anyone else sometimes when you see them and realise they are taller than you or when you wave them off in the case of the adult kids has what I would call a moment of profound grief? Fleeting but painful? I suppose it sounds silly but I see them so clearly as babies and toddlers and the time has gone by so fast. I almost miss them even thought they haven’t gone anywhere? I apologise if I sound self indulgent in anyway, I know how grateful I should be and I am....am I alone? Do you recognise what I mean?

I think it's normal. The early years are hard work and all consuming, but they are very special and very fleeting. I once read a similar post on here and the way the poster put it was "it's lovely to see them grow and thrive, but strange to think the baby they were will never exist again"

All the time.

I get this all the time, I remember how hard it was when they were small but I look back fondly on the times I was with them at home all day and definitely feel a sense of loss that life will never be like that again, a pang of grief is definitely how I would describe it (and my children aren't that old yet)

My DD is 24 and I miss her at every age she ever was if that makes sense. I miss baby her, toddler her, primary her, tween her, teen her, uni her. But also love who she is now. It's a weird old thing.

I usually grieve (through rose tinted specs) the stage we have just passed through. I don't tend to look further back than that.

I get an immense amount of joy out of seeing them work through the next phase.

I think you have it, it’s like those little babies ceased to be rather than changed and grew just for an irrational moment or two. I am proud of the people they are but I do miss being a Mum to those children I suppose

Yep. I keep on remembering when they were little and feeling very emotional. If I have any day over again I would just choose one generic day with them all small again. I also keep fretting that I wasn’t an attentive enough mother. I was always a bit neurotic about housework and wish I’d spent more time playing with them.

That’s the advice I’d give to all mums with young children - leave the housework and play with your kids!

They are still my greatest joy, I adore them and I am proud of both them and the work we put in to raise them this far. It’s a very different love to what it was. Maybe this feeling is why Grandparents have known to get a bit over excited with their grand children.

Thank you for commenting, I feel less alone now

@Bleepbloopblarp, easy for me to say but don’t fret about what you didn’t do right back then - the people they are are proof of what you DID do right

I know exactly what you mean. I know it sounds ridiculous but when I look at photos of them when they were little I can feel myself filling up because I miss them so much. And they are only upstairs in their bedrooms! They are teenagers now but it feels like my cute toddlers have been replaced with completely different people.

Yes. I also can NOT look at photos. I have to force myself to take photos for them as I know I cant get that time back :( :)

Yes, totally recognise this feeling. My two DS are 23 and 27, and over the last few years I feel I’m constantly saying goodbye to them: waving them off as they drive away, dropping them at airports to go travelling... My heart aches and I often feel so sad that maybe I didn’t treasure the young years when they were with us all the time. Looking back I feel we were just so busy, both working, and those years went so quickly. Yes, you’re not alone in feeling this way. So much of parenting is bittersweet I think...

Yes I know what you mean. I often say I wish I had a time machine. I don't want to turn back time but just visit those other periods of time.

I think for me it's knowing that the main bit of mothering is speeding to an end. It's bitter sweet. We are so very lucky to watch them grow but we are also watching them grow away from us and that's hard.

Oh man, I'm welling up now and mine are only 5 & 10! I think i feel it more keenly now as DS2 is definitely the last one. We won't have another baby, and I just want him to stay little. At 5, he's still a perfect size to climb onto my lap for a sleepy cuddle, smelling of shampoo and biscuits! I will miss that so much.

Growing away from us is the right term I think, and I wouldn’t want it any other way but sometimes it just gets you in the heart that they will never need you like they did again. Never crawl on your knee after a bad dream or need a pick up when their legs are tired.

Absolutely. My eldest two are teens and I desperately miss the days the fitted in my lap, when I could give them everything they needed and a cuddle would make it all better.

I am lucky in that I still have two younger ones so I still have some of that but they'll grow too. I'm looking forward to seeing the adults they'll all become, but there's definite grief for the tiny people they were.

My baby is only 6 months old and I already feel like this! She's likely to be my only baby, and I already miss the tiny newborn she was. It's lovely to see her growing and learning her new things, but I'll never get that newborn time again (which at the time was actually pretty tough, but rose tinted specs etc)

All the time - and mine are only 11 and 8! I loved the baby / toddler years. Hard work but just so delightful seeing them learn to walk / talk / enjoy the simplest of pleasures. I actually think parenting is much harder now than it was then.

My DS is 4, and I totally get this- it’s like you’re grieving for the loss of who they have been, even though they’re still there! I think it’s something you have to have children to understand - this piece by Mia Freedman summed it up for me - ‘like the slowest breakup you’ve ever known’ www.mamamia.com.au/mia-freedman-family/

I saw a meme or something once that said something like 'one time your mum/ dad put you down and never picked you back up' 😔 That really struck a chord with me. They grow all the time and we don't really notice. Just occasionally it hits us how big they are. I still try to pick DD up and she's a giant nearly 8!

You just made me determined to give my toddler and 3 month old the biggest cuddles today!! Lockdown with two littlies has been hard but you're right, this stage in their life will go so fast, I've got to embrace every minute.

My baby is only 2 and I’m sobbing at this ha! I saw something on Instagram recently - it said something like “the year is 2038. The house is quiet and tidy, your children have moved out, and you’d give anything to have a single day of lockdown back to hear their tiny feet running round the house” 😭😭😭. DS is very hard work but I’m going to try to treasure every moment.

I feel this all the time..mine are 11,10, 6. I cherish every moment with my youngest still being reliant on me!

I also feel sad when I think of how little patience I had for ds1&2 when they were toddlers. I savor every moment with ds3, I spend half and hour rubbing his back off to sleep every night which I would never have done for the two eldest as I was so tired all the time :(

I constantly think about how I'd love to do it all again. I do remember the hard times though.

I'm really enjoying lockdown with them.

I hear you loud and clear! In my head I have a small child , who would follow me around everywhere .In reality he is taller than me ! Seems only yesterday !