Husband prefers porn over me

[Jm19900]

I google and read these threads all the time and never though I would write one myself to be honest but I need help / advice. I’m 30 years old and been with my husband 3 years and married for 1 year (no children). When we first got together the sex was amazing and constant! My husband always said he was glad he met someone with a high sex drive like him and that he loved trying new things... well about 8 months in all of a sudden the sex stopped! This is when I discovered on his phone that he was watching porn literally the minute I left the house or before work and on his lunch break.. anyway 2 years later we have sex once every 2 months and that’s only because I’ve got upset and cried and argued etc so just feels like pity sex (always the same.. no foreplay, bent over.. done!) and he is still watching porn anytime I’m not around. I have screamed, cried and argued that it is ruining are marriage and nothing changes. I feel ugly, unloved and pathetic I love him so to scared to leave but how do I continue?

You pack your bags and open the front door and close it behind you and walk away to the happy future you deserve

You can't continue OP, that's clear from your post. He is destroying your self esteem and making you too weak to leave him, that's why you feel scared and it will only get worse. He sounds porn addicted and that's only fixable if he wants to fix it, which he clearly doesn't.

Time to think seriously about the logistics of separating, is there anywhere either of you could move out to or stay temporarily while you/he get sorted? What about finances, do you work? I know it's not what you wanted to hear but the damage this relationship must be doing to your self worth means however much upheaval splitting up might cause it will be worth it, you can't let his addiction destroy you

I could leave and have somewhere to go very easily and to be honest I have threatened it many times but I just can’t seem to go. It might sound strange but we are very good together in every other way. I suppose I just don’t understand how a man could prefer porn to actual sex.. surely that means I’m the problem with him? And also how when I cry and argue with him about it he constantly says he loves me I’m amazing and he thinks the world of me... but if that’s the case why continue to do something that’s tearing us apart! So confused 😐

It's a recognised addiction, it's not you and he allows it to tear you apart because the addiction takes precedence over everything, including you. If you actually left it might (just might) shock him into getting some help and committing to the work needed to fix it, in which case there may be some hope for the future but, for now at least, you need to be apart.

Waiting for the pro porn gang to come along and insist porn is harmless bit of fun, interesting to see how they'll spin this one..🤔

I think at the minute it is and isn't a problem, sex doesn't need to always define the relationship but at the same time he needs to work on it more for your romantic wellbeing. I would sit him down and explain what you want from the marriage going forward and how he's made you feel, I wouldn't just ignore it because what if it gets more extreme and he strays. If he's still not interested in working on it then I hate to say it but you sound like romantic partners that once had interest mistakenly thought that would be forever and are now just good friends.

Oh believe me we have sat and talked and I’ve told him how it makes me feel and he says he didn’t think it would upset me blah blah. So he knows how I feel and doesn’t change! Maybe your right and leaving might help..

ExH was addicted. Chose it over me and it ruined us. I tried everything. Lost so much weight that people were worried about me but I thought he wanted a skinny woman. I tanned because I thought he wanted a tan woman. I waxed everything because that's what the porn stars did. I tried and tried. He still chose porn over me. I left and was not sorry for one minute. Get out now and don't waste any more time. You'll never feel good enough.

I just can’t seem to go

Yes, you can. Every minute you stay is another minute wasted, and this divide in your marriage will never get better. Ask yourself where you want to be in five years and what you want out of life. Your husband won't be able to help you achieve any of those things. Pack your things and run like hell.

Thanks everyone! I think your right about leaving to be honest. I know I shouldn’t but checked his phone today and can see he is now watching it while I’m asleep upstairs... baffles me that a man would rather hide downstairs and watch porn rather then have the real thing! But oh well I can’t change it so I guess it’s up to me to do something about it now which unfortunately looks like it will be me leaving.