My mum just died and I'm not sure how I feel

[Meplusyouequals6]

Hi all,
So on Friday I found out that my mum had killed herself, we were not that close in fact it's been probably 8+ years since I've seen her and about 6 years since we last spoke.
The reasons behind why we don't talk is a very very long story but in short, it's because my mum was an incredibly selfish person who even when I was a child always put her needs before anyone else's.

She had on several occasions tired to commit suicide over my life time (that I'm aware of) she has been sectioned on 6 septerate occasions due to suicide attempts or threats of suicide.

So on Friday I get a call from my sister telling me that my mum has been found , my sister who is close to my mum is extremely upset. I've spoken to my brother who also hasn't seen my mum in at least 8 years and he is devastated! My dad is also very emotional over this loss (they have been apart for 20 years and not stayed in touch) I've spoken to several other family members who all haven't had contact for many years and they all seem upset.

I'm not sure how I feel, I cried when I found out but as soon as I found out it was a suicide, it's changed how I feel about the whole thing, because yet again she has been selfish! My sister has told me how there was a letter my mum wrote to her explaining why she was doing it why she needed to be out from this world that in the letter it says it was wrote earlier in the week. My sister had spoken to her the night before she was found and had done several times a day for weeks but my mum had expressed no feelings of any sort other than loneliness due to isolation. My sister told me how every night including the one before she died how my mum would read a book to my sisters kids over video chat. How my mum had expressed feeling and thoughts about the future outside of isolation. I feel that my mum has been extremely selfish for the final time by doing what she has done, knowing that my sister would be the one to find her like that! Knowing that my sister is currently 30 weeks pregnant! Knowing that she would be the one who would be left with the burden of sorting out everything!
I'm angry! I'm pissed off! But I don't know if I'm upset!
Not that my mum would have known but I'm also pregnant with 6 weeks to go, and I don't know if that's playing a part in how I feel.
Anyway I don't know why I'm posting this or even if there is anything anyone could say that will help but just writing it is helping me to process my anger.

POST EDITED BY MNHQ TO REMOVE METHOD

sorry to read this

Sorry to read this too. Here’s my tuppence worth and feel free to ignore.

I don’t think suicide is a selfish option if you’re feeling so much pain you can’t go on. Actually, I think it’s selfish of other people to expect someone to go on as they are if it’s causing that much pain. And of course there should be intervention and support and etc etc but sometimes this just doesn’t work either and it’s all just really sad that this person was in so much pain that they couldn’t see any other way out.

Having been there, and felt that level of pain, I can tell you that quite possibly nobody else did feature in your mum’s decision, but that it also quite possibly wasn’t a selfish decision - simply the only one she could see.

I understand there are other factors in play here and that doesn’t negate them at all. It sounds like you had a tough relationship and things are hard. But in this case, if you’re looking for how to feel - it’s very sad.

Sorry to hear about how this has played on your emotions.

This struck a chord with me as I had thought my dad had died a few weeks back. We're estranged. I reached out and invited him to my wedding but he didn't turn up. Anyway, someone told my mum he had died and my mum then told me. I was upset and then angry at myself for being upset. I was also angry at how things were final. I would never have a father daughter relationship.

It turned out to be a mix up but I really do understand your emotions. My DS is 2 and my dad has never met him. I hate to admit that it bothers me and his apparent death struck emotions I never knew existed.
I have know advice but your feelings are valid. I hope you and your siblings remain an leam on one another .

lily it's selfish because she had a massive support network who were doing everything they could to support her and help her, she could at anytime have asked for help and a hord of people would have rushed to help her as they always have. I'm angry that she didn't do this, and has now left my sister to deal with it all. There are many factors that contribute to how I feel about my mum, but I'm annoyed that she didn't even think to try
FTMF30 thank you, I have 3 kids who have never met her and I'm glad tbh!

I think however you feel is 100% fine and you don't have to justify your feelings or feel bad for them.

FWIW I will feel relief when the woman who had me dies.

Take care of yourself and good luck with your new baby.

So sorry to hear this. When I was growing up my mum was similar in personality to how you describe your mum. Narc - although I didn't know that word then.Very traumatic for your sister - but good at least that you are in contact with her and your brother and your Dad (I assume?) for support.

It’s normal to have feelings of anger when someone in your family kills themselves so allow yourself to have these feelings. You didn’t have a close relationship with her so you’re not going to feel grief in the same way as people who are close to their parents. Not everyone has the ability to be a good parent and your mum was clearly troubled for a large part of her life. I hope you can make your peace with that and find acceptance and forgiveness in time. Good luck with your pregnancy and I’m sure you will be a wonderful mum, despite not always having a role model of your own x

I am so sorry that you’ve been through such a difficult time with your mum. It sounds like you are coping as well as can be expected. It’s so hard to comment on suicide as it is so personal & unless you’ve been in that desperate place yourself, it’s hard to understand. Continue to look after yourself & your dc. Sending you love

I don't think that you should feel that it was selfish of your Mother to take her own life.She had probably reached a point in her mind, that this was something that she wanted for herself, to end her inner torment.
I am sure that people are never rational at this point in time, and think of nothing more, than escaping the world.

I was angry too. Feel your feelings.

I have a very difficult and complicated relationship with my estranged mother too. Like a pp when she dies, I think I will feel relief and free. I'm sorry that you're struggling op. I wish you peace.

You can feel whatever you feel. Of course you are angry - suicide is a selfish choice. But maybe one day you might come to understand why she felt as she did and you may find peace.

Good luck with your baby.

yes, you are allowed to be angry, of course you are
at some point you might want to talk to someone about your feelings but right now, when you and your sister are both expecting isn't the right time. Could you help your sister at all, and halve the workload?
if you want to unload (and not be judged) you can always ring Samaritans, they would listen to you and not be thinking of your mum, if that makes sense
you could also try writing down how you feel now- then put what you have written in an envelope and away in a drawer, to come back to when you have more time and headspace to deal with this

@SunshineCakeI feel some relief I just wish she hadn't done this to my little sister.
@Settle59 my sister and I have had a difficult relationship because we never really saw eye to eye on my mums and the choices she makes. My brother has been a big part of my life for my whole life (were twins after all) we have our ups and downs but we do get along really well. My dad is in and out of my life always has been but we have spoken everyday since we found out.
@Rainbowb I'm angry at her choices as usual. I've got an amazing role model in my MIL she is amazing, she goes above and beyond for her boys and over the years that myself and her eldest son have been together she has become the mum I always wished for, in fact she was the first person I rang after I found out. She has been at every birth, every birthday, every school event that my children have she is an amazing mum and its who I model myself on.
@StillWeRise I've offered to help with what I can, unfortunately my sister has power of attorney and I don't know my mum's medical history enough to help with some of it. My sister lives 200+ miles away (where my mum also lived) so it's difficult, I wish I could help her more. My MIL and DH have not been judgemental at all they have listen and they understand because they know what my mum has put me through (at least in the last 16 years anyway), and we're both very supportive when I decided to cut contact a few years ago.

How are you doing, *@Meplusyouequals6?

Hello OP,

We're so very sorry for your loss, and for what you're going through right now.

We don't allow mentions of method on site, so we're going to edit that now.

Sending love and best wishes from all of us at MNHQ.