What the hell is this?

[ZiggZagg]

And why is it in my house?

It looks like a caterpillar.

It’s not a silverfish is it?

Looks like one of those hairy caterpillars

Caterpillar

It looks like a woolly bear (carpet beetle larva) to me.

My Lurchers would enjoy that...
not envy..

It looks like a woolly bear (carpet beetle larva) to me.

This

Yes I'm afraid that looks like carpet beetle larvae to me too.

I think it’s too long to be a carpet beetle larva. But definitely some kind of larva.

Eeeeee why is in my house I have no carpets

It is probably the hungry caterpillar. You should fetch it an apple to eat and then wait to see what happens...

It's a carpet bug. We also have no carpets had them in the last house in DS1's room. Gross but harmless.

It isn't a carpet beetle larvae, it is too long and hairy.

Put it outside under a bush and leave it to live its little life.

I think too long for a carpet beetle too.
Like said above just pop it somewhere safe in the garden Op.

How big is it?
I’m glad people agree it doesn’t look like a carpet beetle larva. They are more fat and oval and brown, about 3mm long. Though you can get carpet beetles in houses with no carpets. And they eat holes in clothes so while they may not be ‘harmful’ they can be a nuisance!