Teaching to self soothe - any success stories?

[Olivebranch5]

Just a bit of back ground.. my baby girl had lots of feeding issues early on and struggled to gain weight with exclusive bf. From day one she would cry when put down to sleep l even if she had appeared fast asleep when we moved her and due to my hormonal state I was so convinced she might starve to death i picked her up the minute she cried day or night to offer her a feed.

As the months have gone by she will often need an hour of rocking (she will refuse the breast during the day) to get to sleep and will become so over tired that she falls asleep through exhaustion and effectively crying herself to sleep. The advice to put her her down drowsy but awake has never worked!

Nearly 5 months down the line with combination feeding she has finally caught up and is now a more than healthy 15pounds. But I have diastasis recti and I feel like I’m causing real damage to my back rocking her and rocking her for up to an hour every nap and wake up during the night just feels unsustainable now. I use a sling when I’m out that helps a bit but she won’t sleep in it in the house and the restrictions in Wales are still strict so going out in the car is out. She’ll sleep briefly in the pram but not long enough to stop her being tired an hour and a half later and we start the proc as again.

I’m left wondering whether some kind of teaching her to settle by staying with her while she inevitably cries in her cot is my only answer? I can’t do the constant picking up because she’s too heavy for me. I feel like I’ve exhausted all of my avenues and that this might be all I have left. I suppose I’m wondering if anyone else has had a similar issue with an inability to self settle and what they did to help them learn this?

Please don’t suggest co sleeping as this made no difference as it’s the getting her to sleep that is the issue rather than where she sleeps which is in a side crib. And to be clear I have no issue with the number of wake ups in the night and have no expectation of some kind of sleep training suddenly meaning she’ll sleep through, I just can’t carry on like this!

4 months is incredibly early to expect a baby to self settle. I would say about half of the children in my daughter school nursery class go to sleep with an adult next to them.

At 4 months need another sleep 90 mins later is not unusual either.

I disagree withheld settling 3. I'd try patting and shushing and see if it helps after a few nights. She'll be cross to begin with as it's not what she's used to.

I think it is absurd and unhelpful for nursery age children to expect someone to sit with them while they fall asleep. They'll expect company if they wake in the night then too.

Perhaps the term set soothe is incorrect here. I’m not talking about leaving her to self settle, I’m looking for ways to settle her out of my arms. DemolitionBarbie - she cries inconsolably even when I’m right there, do you think that’s her protesting and will reduce if I stuck with it?

How often does she wake in the night?
I still cuddle my 18 month old to sleep; it's neither absurd not unhelpful, it is our bonding at the end of the safe and he feels secure as he is falling to sleep.

I have problems with my back so had siliar problems with rocking to sleep which was how dd was used to falling asleep. Gradual retreat worked for us. But dd was 8 months so a bit older.
Started with rocking to sleep.
Then the holding and only rocking if she got upset and stopping when she settled.
Then laying in cot with my arms still holding around her. I would sing if she got upset and this settled her.
Then to one hand on her.
Finally I could sit and read my kindle on the bed while she nodded off.
At about 12 months I started leaving the room for her to settle.

To be honest, the leaning into the cot was probably worse than rocking for my back but she did start sleeeping much better as soon as she was falling asleep in her own cot.

Good luck.

Thank you for the replies. I think I’d be happy if I could just reach the point of cuddling to sleep at this age so maybe I need to just gradually stop the rocking and just trying and comfort her in my arms until she is used to that?

You could stop the rocking motion, as it doesn't sound like it's massively successful anyway? And just lay her down in her cot and stay with her and stroke/ quietly shush her to sleep? You're not abandoning her if you're right there next to her, you're actually helping her get what she needs- sleep! I switched from holding/ rocking my son at around 10 months and quite quickly he learnt a new way of going to sleep, one which he wouldn't be disturbed when I tried to put him down in his cot. He actually slept brilliantly from that point on, it was like I was keeping him awake rocking and shushing and shifting position. It might have been a coincidence but it felt like that at the time.
Does she have a dummy or a fluffy toy? My son had a fluffy blanket he used to snuggle into when he was tired, so I used that as a sleep prop so that eventually he wanted his bunny to go to sleep, and would sleep fairly easily in his cot.
My kids were all very similar to what you've described. It's so hard when all they need is sleep but they absolutely refuse to do it without yelling for ages first. I think it would be hard to understand if you hadn't had a baby who struggled to sleep. I've had three of them, and now I have three great sleepers so just know that whatever you decide to do, it won't always be like this! Things will get better xxx

Thanks greenvalleymama.
I think you’re right, people seem to think I’m exaggerating when I describe how she fights sleep. I think I’m going to go for it with laying her in the cot and staying with her and reassure her as much as I can by staying with her. She’s starting to like a fluffy bunny so I’ll make sure she always has that too. Fingers crossed it won’t take her too long to get used to it 🤞🏼