Having a rubbish few days. Come and cheer me up!

[Ikeatears]

It's the wrong time of the month, I'm not sleeping. My two biggest anxieties (in normal times) are leaving the house and something happening to my dh. This 'stay at home' message has made me feel better and worse in equal measures. I've been given permission to give in to my fear and stay at home with dh and the dc but now I'm worrying that once normal life resumes, I'm going to find it so much more difficult to push myself out.
My anxiety regarding dh stems from nowhere. I don't something will happen to the dc (no more than any normal parent) but I am terrified of dh dropping dead of a heart attack or a stroke. Now this has turned to convincing myself that he will get COVID and he will die from it.
I am trying so hard to be rational and to pick myself up out of this slump that I'm in.
Please come and tell me your happy thoughts, plans for the future, funny lockdown stories, anything to help me to move my mind on to other things.

*i don't worry something will happen to the dc

My favourite lockdown story is that a few nights ago DH and I made a few cocktails and had a night in the garden with the firepit. A few cocktails turned into many, of course.

The next morning I woke up on the garden hammock covered in our quilt to the sound of my phone going off - and had to sit bolt upright ready for our daily Teams call with what can only be described as a flock of seagulls hairdo and pretend I was 100% awake and talk knowledgeably about how I was planning to do our next online webinar. To many, many individuals, all of whom were clearly sober and very awake.

Apparently I was so hammered that DH couldn't move me so chose to make me an outdoor bed and leave me there for the night. I think I'm still suffering from the hangover now. Not drinking again.

OP, it's so hard, and Covid isn't helping anyone's anxiety levels. Can you find anything to keep yourself busy and try and take your mind off things for a while? I'm taking up all kinds of new hobbies to distract myself (cocktail making is no longer my hobby).

@FudgeBrownie2019 thanks haha - we've had a cocktail night as ds turned 18 in lockdown and requested it...we did all manage to find our beds at the end of it though lol.
I'm doing lots, homeschooling, I planned two big birthdays, taking part in and writing quizzes with family and friends.
Loads of extra activity with the dc and sometimes, I'm really enjoying our time together. I think when I feel like this though, it's just so hard to find the motivation. Today's triumph was cooking Bolognese from scratch for dinner.
I'd love to get back into reading but I had a serious mental health crisis 5 years again and since then, I seem to have lost my ability to concentrate on books and I've always LOVED reading.

Oh that must be even harder - I honestly think reading has been one of the few things keeping me sane. Have you tried Audible for audiobooks - DS14 listens to them and they're brilliant for times you've not got the attention span for reading.

Stuff like cooking meals from scratch is a big achievement - what can you do tonight to reward yourself for keeping calm and getting through another day? It sounds like keeping busy isn't really distracting you fully - can you speak with your GP and ask about the anxiety and how you can get some support?

I have a cat, she’s cuddly, cute and fiesty. In the night she did a poo on the floor, obviously my four year old trod in it on the way to get in bed with me this morning. Sadly I didn’t wake up when he got in my bed, but me, my son and my boyfriend woke up covered in shit. The main horror when my boyfriend woke me up was “which one of us have shit ourselves”, that was a moment.

The floors in our flat are original wood flooring, so I have spent the day trying to get cat shit out of the teeny tiny gaps in the flooring with a knife. Said knife is our specific cat shit on the floor knife.

Hahaha that has cheered my day right up that you have a cat shit knife!

@simonjt that actually made me laugh out loud "which one of us did a shit?" 🤣
@FudgeBrownie2019 I have regular contact with my gp. I went to her in February and can honestly say she was like a breath of fresh air and gave me so much confidence that I can eventually beat this. Then along came COVID...
She phoned me regularly and we are tweaking meds.
I tried audible a while ago and found that I would fall asleep listening, dream the. Wake up and not know which was the book and which was a dream 🤣
Might help my sleep issues though...

Oh the cat shit made me laugh!

I’m sorry you’re struggling OP. I think lots of people are. Well done on the spag Bol!

I find DH quite annoying and pedantic and irritating. So rather than say anything or explode I just walk away and give him the finger when he can’t see so behind the door or wall or from another room. Makes me feel better in a very childish way. And 18 year old DS just walked out of one room as I was doing it. Not sure if he saw!

Not as funny as having to be professional for a hammock with a hangover or waking up covered in shit but I’m inwardly cringing!

Haha my 18 year old ds would find it hilarious if he caught me secretly giving his dad the finger...then probably snitch on me!
At first, I was wondering how much of how I was feeling was because I'm not well and how much was the anxiety everyone is feeling. My lovely gp pointed out that, at this stage, it doesn't matter. We just have to find ways to control it so it doesn't take over.

Still up. No sleep. Had a good cry. Dh is snoring, had a couple of zoom chats with friends. Too much alcohol but ended up opening up to one friend who has been fab. Just sad and tired. Not 'sleep' tired, emotionally tired...as self indulgent as I know that sounds...sorry...I am trying...