MEETING PARTNERS EX BEFORE MEETING THEIR CHILD.

[Analucy92]

I’m in need of some advice.
I’ve been with my partner for 10months and he has an agreement with his ex that they will meet any new partners before meeting their 3y.o which I absolutely agree with. They have been separated 2 years. I’m the first person that will meet their daughter.

What should I expect? If this was you as the ex what would you like to know?

My suggestion was to do it on her terms and leave the ball in her court on how/where she wants to meet but I’m kinda terrified, I’ve never dated someone with kids before. I don’t have any children but I have been married (I’m only 28)
I just want this to go as well as it can.

Thankyou!

Probably don't shout at her when she texts the arrangements

TBH I think when people do this it's utterly ridiculous. It just opens up the possibility of her not "approving" of you and making things difficult. Being with someone who has a child shouldn't be an audition - she had a baby with this man, it's safe to say she probably trusts him and should in turn trust his judgement in choosing someone new. It's very sensible that you waited 10 months. You don't owe your's OH's Ex any justification. It's just really awkward and weird.

We did this. It was awkward and horrible. She chose a place where you had to drive to but doesn’t drive so I had to make my own way there whilst DP gave her a lift. He walked me back to the car at the end so that felt doubly weird! One child gave me the evils the whole time whilst the quiet one chatted away like mad 😂.

Your DP has agreed to something which with hindsight, was unwise.
However, refusing to meet her is probably going to cause more fuss than it would merit.
Arrange a brief meeting, so say hello, on neutral ground. Keep it short, social distancing is your friend right now.

Don't include the children in this!

I think it’s great when adults can do this. Hopefully a great start to being involved with the dc

My dsis met her dp’s ex and they have a cordial relationship to say hello at pick up and drop off times. Has really helped

Whats the rush to meet his 3 yr old? Unless your living together I would leave the wee one out of it , his time with his child is his. Dont allow him to try and throw you into mummy role

I think this is great if you do it without the kids. Not so great if the kids are going along... too weird.
Luckily my ex has chosen to date one of my friends ... less luckily when they got together SHE started ghosting me so I’ve taken that as a sign she won’t be doing the stepmummy thing

Yeah, I don't get this. I didn't meet my ex's partner before she met our DS, my ex and I don't feel the need to "vet" each other's partners. My ex is a brilliant dad, I trust him and therefore trust his judgement in a partner. As time has gone on I know his partner well through natural meetings at pick up/drop offs and doing occasional things together with DS. A "forced" meeting is so awkward.

Rather you than me!
I mean if all parties are happy with it then crack on, but it wouldn’t be for me. I don’t really see the point of it, if two people are co parenting well, why is it necessary? Surely they trust each other enough to choose well and do best by their children?

What sort of conversations come up after the meet- “ooh I’m not sure, she has shifty eyes” etc

I don't think people should stipulate conditions like this when they split. As PPs have said, this creates a really odd dynamic - what happens if she doesn't like you?! Legally she has no right to block you from meeting the child - in the absence of significant safeguarding issues, whoever Dad introduces in his contact time is his business. That said, it sounds like you're happy to go along with it, so I guess just go along and be friendly and polite. If she's insecure about another woman being in her child's life, nothing you say or do will be good enough anyway; if she's relaxed about it, it'll be a good opportunity for you to get to know a bit about each other.

Jesus! Best of luck, when an ex feels she/has the right to bet a new partner before introduction and your boyfriend agrees with it, I can assure you she is still the main woman in his life.

We did this - just popped in for a quick cup of tea one day. I think it’s best to keep it low key at the beginning. I certainly wouldn’t want to do it if it was more complicated than that.

We did this. We met for coffee. It’s not what I would do personally if my ex wanted to introduce someone to DS, but DP’s exW wanted to, and I didn’t really have any objection. We just had a brew and a chat.
We are a lot of years down the line now and we have a really good relationship. Me and the exW have similar principles and parenting styles which has contributed hugely.