Mental abuse

[Nursing2029]

Long thread sorry. Really need advice.
I split up with my husband 4 years ago I have two young children who are 8 and 9.
I started a new relationship really quickly and thought this guy was the one. He was amazing , everything was amazing.
I was quite weak at the start down about a lot of things and I noticed he used to always make a point of telling me he spoke to attractive women and always spoke about attractive people on tv.
A year into the relationship I found a lot of porn on his phone, weird stuff. He denied all of it.
I also found phrases on his phone like stuff he must have been sending to someone - explicit stuff.
When I spoke to him about how I felt he denied everything.
Over the last couple of years his temper has become more frequent over nothing, he also acts very childish if he doesn't get to do exactly what he wants all the time.
He was full of passion to start with and gave me loads of attention.
I now feel like I am walking on eggshells all the time.
He has been quite aggressive on several occasions and caused me to bruise on one occasion.
This is an edited version of events.
We dont live together but I find myself not wanting to be without him and I cant figure out why.
I know o deserve better than this bit cant contemplate the thought of leaving him.
I recently found seen messages from another woman on his phone and he point blank denies it despite the messages being there.

I was relieved when I read that you don't live with this man. I can't put it any other way than that he sounds appalling.

He began your relationship by boasting about his interactions with attractive women, to foster your insecurities and make you feel grateful for his attention. Further down the line, he's cheated on you by sexting someone, and tried to gaslight you by denying it. Now he's become so bad tempered that you are walking on eggshells.
You say you can't live without him but don't know why - I think that's because he's groomed you into a state where you're dependent on his whims to dictate your happiness. You need to break out of that state and get shot of him. You're better off single than being tied to this pathetic excuse for a man. Finish with him, and block him from any further contact.

Hi
Thanks so much for your reply.
I have spent years thinking it's me, this is a totally edited version.
If I am honest I am scared of being on my own, I know that's silly.
I thought the porn thing was normal and all the rest was normal.
I have recently received a conditional offer for university but he seems to have been worse since then.
He is fine round the kids and I worry that they will miss him.
If I am honest I feel weak :(

Thanks so much for your reply.
I have spent years thinking it's me, this is a totally edited version.
If I am honest I am scared of being on my own, I know that's silly.
I thought the porn thing was normal and all the rest was normal.
I have recently received a conditional offer for university but he seems to have been worse since then.
He is fine round the kids and I worry that they will miss him.
If I am honest I feel weak

Look into the Freedom Programme. You might not believe it but this is a very common story and it is very lucky you don't live with him. You must end it. You will look back and wonder what you were so worried about.

It's not you! This is a textbook abusive relationship that you need to get out of.

Your children will get used to not having him around, and in your shoes I would be worried that it's only a matter of time before he stops being 'fine' around them and they too start having to walk on eggshells.

Some people are OK with their partners watching porn, but that doesn't mean it's right for everyone - and no one would condone pornographic interactions with another person - that's not normal in a healthy relationship. And most people have lines of tolerance they wouldn't cross in relation to the sort of porn a partner uses - you say it's weird stuff - that would be a deal breaker for many.

Of course he's not happy about you going to university because it will take you outside his sphere of control - he wants you right there under his thumb, not going anywhere.

Trust me, you will be far, far happier alone than spending your life dreading his next outburst. Get rid of him now and focus on your future as an independent woman.

Phew - you don’t live together. That’s a plus at least.

He sounds like an absolute tool. Bite the bullet and cut him out of your life. It will be hard but in the long run it’s easier than living the life you are now.

Hi
Thank you so so much.
Its good to hear I am not mad.
The thing I really dont understand is that he acts like he doesn't really want me bit doesn't want to let me go and I think that is what keeps me on the hook.
I really appreciate your advice.
The porn thing wouldn't have bothered me of he was honest but he denied it and it was weird weird stuff.

Thank your os so refreshing to hear it isn't me.
That isn't the half of it either. I just feel so weak and so not like myself.

Thanks for the advice.
I will do that. I wish I felt like that right now, I'm so scared of any changes x

Nursing2029

Hi
Thank you so so much.
Its good to hear I am not mad.
The thing I really dont understand is that he acts like he doesn't really want me bit doesn't want to let me go and I think that is what keeps me on the hook.
I really appreciate your advice.
The porn thing wouldn't have bothered me of he was honest but he denied it and it was weird weird stuff

Thanks for the advice x