Partner wants me to abort

[Fayjade2006]

Trying to keep this short!

I have a teenager from a previous relationship who he has taken on as his own and a 1 year old of our own. We agreed that neither of us wanted anymore children but after using the pill for well over a year I became pregnant again. At first I panicked and thought about abortion but pretty quickly came round to the idea of another baby. We have good jobs and a 4 bedroom home. More than enough to provide for another.
My partner immediately insisted that we abort. He doesn’t want anymore children, we agreed that and it’s not fair that I’m ‘changing my mind.’
I booked to have an termination and couldn’t go through with it. My partner was furious and we argued a lot to the point I booked again. By this point I was almost 15 weeks along and again I just couldn’t do it. He was so angry with me and says I’m being completely unfair, I’m forcing this on him and how does he pretend to be happy about something he doesn’t want. He plainly told me that he wouldn’t feel about ‘that’ the way he does about our daughter and never would.
A few years ago I became pregnant unexpectedly and again at the time I was excited even though we weren’t in such a good a position like we are now. He eventually wore me down and I terminated at 16 weeks. It broke my heart, I developed a drinking problem that continued until I got pregnant with my little one. I think about it daily and often wonder what they would have been like.
I don’t think I can do that again. But I also don’t know if I could cope with this on my own. I would have to leave with the children as I couldn’t afford his house alone but my partner probably could. How do I move home whilst pregnant with a baby and a teenager in the middle of a global pandemic?? How do I explain to my children that I’m taking them away from everything they know. I’m 16 weeks now and I have a scan booked in 3 weeks. My partner thinks I’m booked in for another surgical abortion this Thursday, I felt o had to lie just to make the argument stop. I can’t go anywhere to get away from him. The family I have are under the vulnerable status or still working in high risk jobs. I’m literally trapped in this house with just him.
If anybody has any advise it would be greatly appreciated. X

He’s a vile bully. He could have used his own bc but likes bareback instead.

Sorry not much help but forcing you to abort when you are over 12 weeks pregnant is shocking.

Hi @Fayjade2006 First of all ask @MNHQ to move this thread over to Relationships. You will get proper practical advice and emotional support there.

I'm sorry you are going through this. You are not being unfair or forcing this on him, it takes two to make a baby and if her was so adamant about not wanting more he would have taken a more proactive approach to birth control. Lots of men have the snip, it doesn't make them 'less of a man' or whatever other BS reasons men come up with to not have it done.

Are you able to have a proper conversation about this without the anger? Is he often quick to anger, you say you feel trapped, is that because of the current stuation or an onging problem. At the moment hes fixed on his own feelings, he needs to see how this will effect all of you.

I am strongly pro choice, that means you need to make the right decision for you. It is your body and you will ultimately be the primary carer should you continue the pregnancy.

I wish you well, this sounds like an awful situation but you will get through it

What a horrible situation, you've given good jobs and a 4 bed house as reasons for going ahead with your pregnancy, would these things be a problem should you decide to leave him and have a baby?

Ultimately, the decision is yours and if he was that concerned, he should have doubled up on protection.

Having an unplanned child has meant that your opinions differ on the best way to proceed. However, this does not mean it's a joint decision. Ultimately it is down to you to decide whether to proceed with the pregnancy. You may have to consider what this will mean if you have to go it alone and your partner leaves. The most important thing is that you don't regret your decision either way. From reading about you only booking in for an abortion after being pressured, it seems to me that you want to keep the baby. Speaking to your GP about options may help you have an impartial opinion.

If you honestly don't want to terminate then don't 16weeks is a baby not a cluster of cells. I'd sooner get rid of him than the baby.

I’d honestly rather get rid of a man than get rid of a 16 week foetus. I’m assuming you’ve already had the first scan and booked in with the midwife at this stage so aborting just seems extreme. You’ve already experienced a second trimester abortion and it made you mentally ill, don’t do it to yourself again.

Yanbu. If he wants to go let him go. Totally get why you feel like you cant, especially at this stage.
He's not behaving well is he. If you did terminate would you be able to face him after this?
You shouldn't have to leave your house by the way. He can bloody go. Do you have some real life support?

you are the pregnant one and it is your call. There will be consequences either way, but no woman should ever have an abortion unless she decides to do so.

unfortunately no contraception is 100% and this is a chance that everyone takes. Regrettably this is the end of the relationship - he doesn't want another child and you don't want an abortion, and there's no middle ground on that. I am sorry.

all you can do is state your position and make arrangements to split. He will still have to support his children. Neither of you need pretend to be happy. If in England you can now move house although it may be easier if he leaves. I hope you own the place jointly as you don't seem to be married.

I did have a scan and he doesn’t know that. I’ve briefly seen a midwife whilst I was at the hospital as face to face appointments aren’t really being had at the moment. I had a call for the 16 week appointment but I couldn’t really discuss anything. It is a joint mortgage but I can’t stay When he leaves as it’s way beyond what I can afford, even with help that I might receive as a single parent. More than anything I’m scared. I don’t know how I’m supposed to move forward with all of this.
I feel like he’s trying to be nice to me at the moment and keeps saying we can go on a nice holiday or something ‘once this is all over’ Almost compensation. He’s not a violent or nasty person but I can’t stand being around someone who I feel hates me for making a decision On something that they don’t want. Even if I could move out into a rental I’d have almost nothing, it’s so unfair on my children and to bring a baby into that too? I almost know that I can’t go through with a termination but I also ‘knew’ that last time. I just don’t know what to do or how to do it :(

Was he using contraception? He's no right treat you like this.

Not other than me taking the pill. I’ve been using it since our little one was born and I haven’t missed any but this has happened anyway :(

I feel after this your relationship will be over anyway how can you respect a man that has said those horrible things I would just set the record straight do NOT argue don't let it turn into a conversation say it's your body and this is what's happening with your support or not speak to your midwife as they will be able to point you in the correct direction good luck I'm so sorry your having to go through this xx

Don't do it. You don't want to.

If he needs to go, then he needs to go. Put yourself first. Do not let him push you into this.
And then he can get a bloody vasectomy rather than pushing you to terminate when your pill fails.

He is wildly out of order. After last time he should have had a vasectomy or at least used condoms if he is so adamant he doesn't want another child that he would prefer to risk your mental health again.

you're in a good position financially if you have a good job and he will need to support the 2 children that are his.

As you say he isn't normally violent or aggressive, had you might as well bite the bullet, let him know you have thought long and hard and genuinely considered his point of view but want to continue with the pregnancy? Then you can make arrangements to split in as stress free a manner as possible if need be.

He has no right to be a prick about this. Sex leads to conception as he is well aware. As it is the woman's body, if an impasse is reached on whether to continue, she has the casting vote. That's the way it is. He knew this and continued to have sex with you so he needs to behave decently.

OP this sounds like a really hard situation.

Very gently and without judgement, a relationship where you've had three unplanned pregnancies sounds concerning. Only you can decide what to do with your body, but I think you might not have a future together, whatever you decide.

If he was that adamant he should,have had a vasectomy not force you into something you don't want.

Remind him of that.

If you keep the baby life will be difficult. If you abort the baby then life will be difficult.

You just have to work out which one is the least awful for you.

You both have choices. You have more or less decided to go ahead with your beautiful baby so that's your choice made. His choice then will be between staying with you and the family or walking out. This will be his choice and it sounds as though you know which way that will go. Please be honest with him from now and stay calm so he can see you're not to be swayed. You will cope because you have to and the new baby will be lovely company for your existing one. Good luck!