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Original poster

Dating new guy - are any of these red flags / anything to be worried about?

18 replies

Selectar · 14/05/2020 04:29

Met a guy who on the looks of it sounds really fab.
He's younger than me, slim, very attractive, successful career- has his own business and is very very well off (but you wouldn't know it from looking at his clothes/ house/ car!). He's very humble and so far an all round really nice guy. We get along really really well.

Despite this, he has told me that he has been single for nearly 5 years. He's 35. His last relationship lasted 6 years but his gf cheated on him and he took her back but they never were able to truly get passed it so he broke up with her. This was his only long term relationship he's had.

My problem is 2 things:
Firstly, why has he been single for so long. I get he would have been heart broken from his cheating ex and more wary of other relationships but surely 5 years is a bit too much.

Secondly,.as described he is a really good catch, in my opinion and he could have easily found a gf who is young and attractive. So, what is he doing with me?! - I'm 40, divorced with 3 DC and a mummy tummy to boot and skint with a low paid job in admin! I feel mega insecure and wonder if others think the same when they see us together.

Do you think any of these things don't sound right?! His long spell of being single and him dating someone well below him.

OP posts:

Spartak · 14/05/2020 04:56

I've got a good job, own home and car, normal looking and I've been single for seven years. Not planned particularly, but I was busy getting on with life. I'd not call being single a red flag.

A five year age gap is hardly massive once you are in your 30s either. Why not just keep it casual for now, and see where it goes?

TeeBee · 14/05/2020 05:03

I don't see either of these things as a red flag. People don't need to be in a relationship. If he wasn't over his ex, staying single was the decent thing to do. I think your other reason is pure projection about the way you feel about yourself. Having money doesn't make a person better.

glasgow357 · 14/05/2020 05:05

Have you met him online?

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Evasmummy2019 · 14/05/2020 05:10

How long have you been seeing each other / dating? When I met my husband he was 10 years older than me, own house, car etc and he'd been single for 4 years. These things did not concern me. Give it a chance. He could be the love of your life

Original poster

Selectar · 14/05/2020 05:25

I know him from work. His company is working closely with mine on a project and I ended up sitting in and minuting alot of the meetings! He doesn't come in anymore at work now as everything is set up and running. He asked me for some help / queries and we ended up " chatting" via email at work for a bit and then he asked me out for a coffee. It wasn't a date just friends. We got on well and met again a few times before he asked me out properly. We've only been dating officially for 2 weeks before the lockdown and haven't seen him properly since though keep in touch everyday. We haven't even had a snog yet!.

OP posts:

Rainbowqueeen · 14/05/2020 05:25

Not issues for me either

I’d say a year getting over his ex is a good thing. If he’s successful he may have focused on his career for a while He May have been dating but not met anyone he clicked with

It’s good to be keep your eyes open for red flags. Keep dating and see what happens

AlCalavicci · 14/05/2020 05:28

Maybe he has been focusing on his job and trying ( and succeeding ) to become financially sound .
I would be much more wary about catching someone on the rebound but 5 years is enough time to get over his previous relationship.
It is also quite possable that he has realised that things like personalty / humour / love / trust ect are much more important than looks .
Perhaps he wants to settle down with a family now.

What ever the reasons are go along for the ride and enjoy it while it last be that the next few months or , hopefully, the rest of your lives

Loopyloopy · 14/05/2020 05:53

5 years is not very long at all, especially if he'd just come out of a long term relationship.

Bluntness100 · 14/05/2020 06:23

Actually I think it’s you showing the red flags, why does he need to be in a relationship? Why do you think people can’t be happily single and that something is wrong with them if they haven’t been in a relationship?

That’s a red flag right there.

Ullupullu · 14/05/2020 06:39

Definitely not red flags but you yourself should probably stop looking for issues. Maybe address your own insecurities and background that makes your sabotage this good thing?

IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 · 14/05/2020 08:06

OP: I think you are the "red flag". You have been "dating officially for 2 weeks…...we haven't even had a snog yet": He is very well off (but you wouldn't know it from looking at his clothes/house/car". "He is a really good catch": --"him dating someone well below him".
If I knew him I would tell him to run for hills.

Original poster

Selectar · 14/05/2020 10:30

Omg. Why am I the red flag??!

OP posts:

IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 · 14/05/2020 13:55

OP: Because of what you have written. I have repeated what you have posted - you are very judgemental of him - "very very well off" but you negatively judge his clothes, house and car - should they more reflect his "very very well off" status? For whose benefit - yours? rather than how he prefers to present himself?
You call him a "good catch" - are you an angler?
You describe yourself as being "mega insecure" and "well below him" and what 40 year old still talks about a "snog"?
You ought to think about what your expectations really are and don't blame it on the fact that he hasn't had a relationship for 5 years.
You say you are 40 years old - when did you last have a "relationship" - how long did you need to get used to your change in life situation after the separation from your partner - or are your three chidren from different partners?
You need to get your own expectations sorted.

CoolShoeshine · 14/05/2020 14:34

Op you’re not the red flag, you were just trying to set the scene and give some background info!! It’s likely that he might not get the chance to meet many suitable women or maybe he doesn’t rate himself as highly as you do! Try not to worry about it, I know some genuinely nice guys who didn’t have proper girlfriends until they were in their 30s - they were great catches but never met the right ones for them when younger.

Original poster

Selectar · 14/05/2020 18:13

IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg I think you are very judgemental of me. I don't give a shit about his car / clothes. I was just demonstrating that he's not that type of flash your cash type of person.

CoolShoeshine thank you!

OP posts:

MimiSunshine · 14/05/2020 19:11

OP 5 years single doesn’t mean 5 years of celibacy.
But he’s not likely to say “I was pretty devastated by the breakdown of my relationship so just had fun with a bunch of casual flings until I felt ready to commit to someone I really connect with”

He’s just telling you the facts, no significant relationship in between you and his ex. I didn’t have a boyfriend between meeting my partner and my last boyfriend so technically single for nearly 3 years, I wasnt alone in a cold empty bed that whole time though.

Welshcrystal · 14/05/2020 19:40

I'd be abit wary I got with my daughters dad who to had been single and in the 2 and a half years of being together I found out he was meeting women off of dating sites and getting with other random women on nights out and going to strip clubs and I caught him with 4 different women 3 on different occasions at his place and one at a bar he was on a blokes night out also skyping them and talking dirty and numerous ones messaging him on dating sites that he also met up with

Pogmella · 14/05/2020 19:55

How do you know he’s minted. Presumably he’s told you or heavily implied it (unless you’ve looked him up on Companies House or something)

That would be maybe a deep amber for me...

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