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If you're in a relationship with someone who your family disapproves of...

18 replies

Troubledinparadise1 · 13/05/2020 23:59

Is the relationship good enough to be worth falling out with your family over? I'm currently facing this predicament.

OP posts:
Troubledinparadise1 · 14/05/2020 00:14

And to clarify, their reason for disapproving is silly.

OP posts:
Methtones · 14/05/2020 00:16

How serious is the relationship?

Troubledinparadise1 · 14/05/2020 00:18

We haven't formally got together yet. We both like each other a lot and get on well but I'm hesitant to make it official because I know how my family will react.

OP posts:
Wanderlust21 · 14/05/2020 00:24

I'd ask myself this: are my family nice people? (And have they consistently demonstrated they have my best interests at heart?).
And: is he a nice person? And I do mean 'nice'. Not ok, not relatively pleasant ect...but NICE.

Is that a word you would use to describe them/him?

Also, is their objection due to his character in some way?

If you would describe them all as nice people, that makes it harder to know what to do. But if you wouldn't...

GlummyMcGlummerson · 14/05/2020 00:30

Why will they react badly OP?
So if he's been in prison for murder - fair enough.
If they don't like him because he has a blue car - not reasonable.

No one party is automatically right in their beliefs

Friendsofmine · 14/05/2020 00:38

I think I would if their reasoning made sense to me and I wasn't invested at all.

JessicaDay · 14/05/2020 00:38

My family disapproved of my now DH. He’s been worth it.

To be fair though, by the time I met him I’d lost both parents, so it was my aunt who disapproved of him.

Her reasoning was that he is too safe and conventional whereas I’m a bit more free spirited. But I think that makes us a good compliment to one another.

He’s also less conventional than she realises, he just picks his battles- he’ll go along with a convention if it doesn’t actively trouble him, but will make a stand over stuff that matters. I’m more of a just go along doing my own thing not noticing the world that much type.

Really though, I think the reason I didn’t take her disapproval to heart was because I doubted her motivations. Basically, some of her objection was based in her own control issues.

She was very like that in her relationship with my mum, always trying to assert what she wanted, not liking to see my mum have any close friends or being in a stable relationship. She made plays for both my mum’s husband’s, the first one before they were engaged when they’d broken up briefly, with my dad not long after I was born. I took that with a bit of a pinch if salt until I saw how she behaved at my mum’s funeral towards my mum’s boyfriend. Real eye opener.

So a lot of it boils down to how much you trust the person making the objection. If you really think they’ve got your best interests at heart, then give it some thought and take how good a judge of character they are into consideration.

A silly objection could be a gut feeling they are not managing to articulate well, or there might be something they know but aren’t sure how to say.

Equally, if you doubt the motivations or quality of judgement of the objector(s), then it’s easier to discount.

Bubblebee7 · 14/05/2020 00:41

The simple answer is you can’t pick someone else’s partner it’s life! I think even if you don’t particularly like someone that is far however your family should be civil to your partner.

Maybe don’t go out of your way to mention anything in the early stages.

Rosebel · 14/05/2020 00:41

Depends on the reason. No one likes my BIL but that's because of how he treated his ex, my sister and his children. Tbf his own family don't speak to him anymore. However if there,is no valid reason then I might go for it and hope my family come round.

GrumpyHoonMain · 14/05/2020 00:50

It really depends on your families and how they would react. To give you some examples -

I come from a Hindu background and if I had been in a serious relationship with a Muslim I would have been disowned but would never have feared for my life. There’s every chance if that relationship produced kids my parents would have had me back. But I would never have been able to turn to them for support if there had been issues in the marriage down the line.

My friend, also Hindu, had a hit put on her for moving in with her Muslim bf but she had been prepared for it by changing her name / hairstyle / moving towns and getting a restraining order - neither of their families ever accepted this and disowned them but their girls are adored (they just need to be dropped off and picked up).

Another friend who is Muslim married a Jewish woman and while there was disapproval from both sides it was ultimately a non-issue as both fathers were friends and decided their friendship was more important than their marriage.

If your life is in danger then you need to decide what you plan to do. Is your relationship strong enough to weather that? Do you have support and a safe place? Even if your life isn’t at risk you need to decide whether the relationship is worth potentially cutting off / alienating your family. Many aren’t and if that’s the case then quietly end it.

Ludoole · 14/05/2020 01:23

After my husband passed away my family disapproved when I met someone else, however we have been together over 4 years now and I have finally found my soul mate.Its my life as it is yours.

ChangeMeAlready · 14/05/2020 01:31

Speaking as 48y old woman with experience, listen to your family. With tiny exception, your family are the people who wish you the best in life.

Troubledinparadise1 · 14/05/2020 06:05

Thanks all, it's interesting to hear different perspectives. For more context, my day will disapprove because he is a different religion to us and they have very fixed ideas about marrying within the religion.

OP posts:
Troubledinparadise1 · 14/05/2020 06:05

Family*

OP posts:
Wanderlust21 · 14/05/2020 10:18

Umm yeah, that's not a small issue.

I guess it depends more on your religious/spiritual or even cultural views than theirs though.

For example, I'm a christian and could date someone agnostic or perhaps even of a different religion (but they would, like me, have to be more 'spiritual' about it than religious). But I wouldn't be prepared to convert my faith. Because I believe in what I believe in. Nor would I expect them to change for me.

And I think my family would, rightly, be cross if they thought I was with someone who may expect me to change my own faith. Eg: in order to marry. Or who may try to encourage me to give up my faith. Eg: because they are an extra preachy atheist who has a problem with my beliefs.

Then of course you have to consider cultural issues and perhaps, their parents beliefs. Personally though I think that just adds to the adventure.

Methtones · 14/05/2020 11:48

I actually think it is a small issue if it's a small issue to the OP.

I've never dated within my familys religion and it has upset them the point we have majorly fallen out. But my attitude is that who I date is my choice for my reasons and its unfair of them to hold me back on that based on what they think.

Friendsofmine · 15/05/2020 15:59

I don't think this is a small issue. They may have reasonable concerns such as how would your different faiths impact on decisions about children, roles, values, lifestyle choices, money....

Friendsofmine · 15/05/2020 16:00

I say this as money for instance has turned out to be a huge issue for a friend whose husband would rather pay the tithe than private school fees.

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