Boundaries for cheating

[whatwherewhy]

AIBU my husband watches porn and I don’t have a problem with this but then he got Twitter me started following nude models. I felt a bit uncomfortable about it but thought it was no different to porn except he sees the same girls each time. He then started to go on Twitter most days and even set up notifications for the models. He now comments on the girls photos and it’s starting to feel more like an online relationship than just a stranger on a screen. It really annoys me because he gets upset when I talk to a friend of mine who once told me he loved me after having a drink. This man doesn’t send moods or speak to me on a way my husband talks to or about these girls. My husband never wants sex and makes me feel repulsive or an inconvenience if I suggest the idea. My questions are where are the boundaries in a relationship? Is this cheating? Am I being unreasonable?

If his online fantasy life is replacing your sex life, I’d say he’s over the line.

This is about your self esteem darling. You're allowing him to treat you like shit.

My husband never wants sex and makes me feel repulsive or an inconvenience if I suggest the idea.

I think this phrase contains a huge amount of information.

His sex drive is present, as indicated by his actions (porn, etc)
He chose (in the past) to be your sexual partner.
What exactly do you think has changed in your behaviour that time?
Think carefully and write some ideas down. Share them with him gently. See what comes out.

• since that time.

By the way the exercise may be painful. That pain is necessary as part of the learning process. Prepare yourself mentally if possible for it.

It is a fine line imo between what he is doing and physically cheating. Personally I wouldn't be ok with it and it doesn't sound like you are either but id say the main issue is that he is making you feel rejected and to use your words repulsive and an inconvenience. You are so not bu and have every right to feel hurt by this. I think you need to talk to him op. He's being disrespectful to you and your feelings and that's not ok. Tbh I find it a bit creepy and pervy that he is commenting on these women's pics and making it doubly worse that he's ignoring you! I'm not a fan of just saying ltb but you need to talk about what your boundaries are. Good luck.x

It only takes ONE to make a marriage, but TWO to make a divorce.

Have you read that blog - or perhaps you wrote it - it’s trite Dr Phil bullshit that acts to make women feel guilty for setting clear boundaries. Her husband is , imho, breaking the vows they made - faithfulness isn’t just about physical fidelity, there’s a respect and a trust that some things are reserved for his relationship with her and sex is one of those things. By engaging sexually with other women to the exclusion of her, he’s breaking an important boundary.

She doesn’t need to be a “really cool, responsible partner”, she needs to know where her bottom line is and communicate that to him. Her being a “cool, responsible partner” means holding him to account for his behaviour and setting some clear boundaries around what’s ok and what isn’t. I’d suggest following porn stars on social media, commenting on their body while rejecting your wife might be a clear boundary breach.

My husband never wants sex and makes me feel repulsive or an inconvenience if I suggest the idea.

That alone would be enough for me to leave. Why oh why would you even consider staying with someone who makes you feel this way.

Gather your self respect - you deserve so much better than this - and tell him to take him and his wank material elsewhere.

Life shouldn't be this hard or this miserable. We owe it to ourselves to make the most of our lives.

It only takes ONE to make a marriage, but TWO to make a divorce.

What a load of shit.

It only takes ONE to make a marriage, but TWO to make a divorce.

Right, well, hopefully that’s the most miserable thing I’ll read today

“It only takes ONE to make a marriage, but TWO to make a divorce.”

Surely that’s the wrong way round?

@Orangers with great respect that is some of the worst advice I have ever seen on here. Have you ever heard the phrase you can't flog a dead horse? It takes two to make a marriage work.

OP, your boundaries are your boundaries. You don't need to compair your relationship to anyone else or accept something that makes you feel unhappy.

On the subject of your partner watching porn, some people are comfortable with that to make it a part of their sex life and some people are not. However, when it becomes a preoccupation that damages your sex life then it is a problem. He needs to address why he chooses imagined companionship over a real life loving spouse.

Hi OP, I have very recently been through something similar. It's horrible and hard, I know. Mine was following women on Twitter, except in his case it was actual porn bots as well as models. He was also starting to make comments on their bodies. He was also starting to "just look" at escort sites like Adultworks and Viva Street. This is after many years of no sex and no intimacy due to his ED issues and me feeling rejected and unloved. This all really came to a head this year, shortly before lockdown and intensified as it went on. We really did come to a breaking point. I was becoming increasingly concerned that he was doing the perving on his public twitter account and the accounts that he was following and were following him back were full of porn accounts trying to get you to go to cam sites etc. Dirty slut, Hot MILF and the like. I snapped when I checked his google history and saw the escort sites. I asked him to move out and was very upset. I felt like I had sacrificed my sex life for someone that wasn't interested in sex because of his issues (this was a deal I'd done with myself until our youngest was older) but then found he was suddenly massively interested in all this seedy sex all of a sudden, albeit hadn't actually done anything, .... apparently.

To cut a long story short, it did get us talking and being honest (after years of being little more than co-parenting flatmates). He deleted his twitter account and gave me all his passwords. He said the twitter had been about loneliness and frustration and he was worried about whether he could actually have sex again. He says he felt like he would never be able to have sex with me again as our relationship had broken down irretrievably and he was worried about never having sex again and felt like escorts might be his only choice in the future. Rightly or wrongly we agreed to try and get our relationship back on track. Despite much looking I couldn't find any evidence of him actually having sex with anyone else or paying for sex anywhere and couldn't find any evidence of him having accounts on any of these sites, went through bank statements, messages etc. He swore he wouldn't put my sexual health at risk and try and resume a sex life with me if he had slept with prostitutes. I am aware that this is exactly what you would say if you'd been caught out and didn't want to break up your family and I'm also aware that not being able to find any evidence isn't the same as there not being any that has been erased. I am still struggling with this.

Anyway, he started sleeping in the same room as me again (after 2 years) as I was really upset and couldn't sleep imagining what he was up to in the other room. Although we planned to take things slowly we did end up having sex again. We did a lot of things to sort out our sex life (talking honestly about why it had got so bad after kids, some ED pills for him, talking about what we wanted, using some sex toys together etc) and, despite the odds, we have realised that there is something still there. I may be kidding myself and being foolish, and that does still worry me, but it is undeniably nice to be having (unexpectedly) great sex again as well as having physical intimacy back, especially with all that is going on with lockdown etc.

No idea how it will pan out but I just wanted to let you know that it might be possible to get over this if he stops the twitter cap (I was astounded how many men are openly doing it) and is prepared to talk honestly about your sex life and how bad it make you feel. I know how upsetting it all is, I hope you find some peace with it, one way or another. x

twitter crap

Also, I think you should ask MN to move this thread into the Relationships topic as there are loads of people over there that have experienced similar (better, worse) and might have some more useful advice. Also, I found people experiences and accounts useful, though concerning, when trying to decide whether to believe my DP and whether there was something worth saving.

I wouldn't call it cheating, but just because something isn't cheating doesn't make it acceptable.

The thing that stands out the most is that this relationship is making you feel down about yourself and it he appears to disregard your feelings. Based on that alone, it's probably a good time to reflect on what you're gaining from this relationship and whether it is adding happiness to your life.

It’s not cheating, but they are clear signs that your relationship is in big trouble. You say your husband is no longer sexually attracted to you, is there a reason why? And can this be changed? Are you sexually attracted to him? If not, can that be changed?
Sexual attraction is more often about respectful, supportive behaviour and regular affection between partners than conventional good looks. So it’s unlikely that extra pounds, grey hairs and wrinkles are the cause. Nothing kills a relationship faster than contemptuous behaviour.

I agree with BoxyRoxy, ask to move this thread to Relationships so you can get some proper advice how to deal with this rather "look at what you did wrong" .

It takes ONE to start improving a marriage.

^If you change, they have no reason left for them not to change except one – perhaps they are stuck. So give em a really, cool responsible partner’s kick in the ass.

But most people are not so much stuck as they are just not seeing a reason to change or a way to change. If you start, lead the way, show the way, and get out of the way, I believe they will follow. I say, “Divorce the relationship, not your partner!”

I can hear you saying, “Yeah, yeah. BS!” And thats ok with me that you don’t like this idea. I’ve just learned differently.

Who does not want a great relationship with a cool, responsible partner? If you are struggling with your partner, part of the problem is your partner may look to you like a pain in the butt. Why should you please them? Why should you stay with them? I know this point of view. However, you probably look like a pain in the butt to them, too. Why should they stay with you? Think on that!

But if you turned yourself, trained yourself, into becoming a cool, responsible partner, now what? All bets are off. And you have nothing to lose.

So get to work and get a kick out of it when you see them changing too^

It's disrespectful to you.

I have a very low threshold for anything like that. I'd rather be on my own and /or seeing different people.

That’s not to say he shouldn’t change! He needs a kick in the arse for watching porn! But at the same time make yourself a super attractive person to be around and he will find it hard to say: I won’t kick the porn habit for you! This is what I meant

Oranges - I don’t like to be rude but by Christ you are full of shit.

It might take one to make a marriage work if it’s them and their hand. Otherwise, it’s one person being a fucking fool for a dickhead who probably isn’t interested. Why would anyone do that?

Marriage isn’t THAT important!

@orangers. My exDH witheld sex and used porn and other women as a way to hurt me, put me down and keep me in my place . He kept me so hungry for ANY kind of affection i would put up with it for just the faintest hope of a crumb of affection. I hated and blamed myself for being so ugly and unlikeable i would self harm and i couldnt look anyone in the eye i felt so worthless . Your advice is utter utter bs and you should be ashamed. I was the " cool fun partner" for years while he had a fantastic time, had ALL his needs met while i got so depressed i contemplated suicide every single day.