Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

Original poster

Tell friend/colleague in advance or not?

23 replies

GallopingGreen · 12/05/2020 20:20

I work for a large international company. I have a colleague who is on a different team within the same business unit as me. She is based in the United States but over the past two years we have become great friends.

So my conundrum is this... the head of department has just given me a big promotion and as part of the restructuring of the broader team my good friend will now report directly to me. This will be announced on Thursday.

The news is confidential until then. But I would like to tell her in advance as a courtesy. However, I don't like breaking a confidence ... and especially if I am going to be her manager I want her to see I can actually keep things to myself iykwim?

Would love some opinions!

OP posts:

Original poster

GallopingGreen · 12/05/2020 20:23

Reading back over my OP, I'm swaying towards yes tell her. Don't let her find out with the rest of the team. If I was in her position I'd want my friend to let me know in advance.

Looks like I've answered my own post

OP posts:

WickedlyPetite · 12/05/2020 20:27

You're not even in post yet and you already want to spill some confidential news. Not a great start.

Jojo19834 · 12/05/2020 20:29

Personally I would tell her that the possibility is there so it isn’t a total surprise

BringBackDoves · 12/05/2020 20:30

If it were me, and a very good friend who I was sure I could trust, I’d definitely tell them and ask them to keep confidential. Maybe the day before?

avoandeggs · 12/05/2020 20:31

If she's a really good friend and you can trust her I'd tell her the night before and tell her it's confidential so don't say anything yet

HotDogGuy · 12/05/2020 20:32

Don’t. If you do it highlights that you’re the wrong person for this role.

pictish · 12/05/2020 20:35

No. Don’t.
You can tell her you really wanted to tell her about it, after the news breaks from the appropriate source. Start as you mean to go on - keep your work and friendship separate.

Alexsay · 12/05/2020 20:35

Definitely keep it confidential, and speak to her immediately after the news. Anything else is unprofessional and not suited to you being her manager.

EarringsandLipstick · 12/05/2020 20:36

No definitely don't say. If it was in the pipeline / there was an application process then you could but not now.

Really unprofessional.

EarringsandLipstick · 12/05/2020 20:37

speak to her immediately after the news

Yes - this.

Original poster

GallopingGreen · 12/05/2020 20:37

All the reasons given to not say anything are the reasons I have not shared the news yet. I've known for 6 weeks. However, it's coming up to the announcement on Thursday- I was wondering if she'd feel crap that I hadn't told her myself in advance. Hence my thinking now that as a courtesy to her I should let her know (the day before)...

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 12/05/2020 20:38

I don't think you understand what confidential means. You are now a manager, start behaving like one. After its announced you can speak to your friend and express how sorry you are that you were unable to tell her yourself, but you are now bound to follow company policy and directive.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/05/2020 20:39

If she feels "crap", that's her issue to deal with. This is beyond your control.

Eschallonia · 12/05/2020 20:42

You not telling her in advance is a signal of the professional distance that will have to be between you at work as soon as you start being her line manager. Talking to her afterwards is a good idea, though. But there will, and should, be new boundaries.

Itwasntme101 · 12/05/2020 20:42

Nope, I have a friend who became my manager and I appreciate that even though we are friends there are certain things she can't discuss with me otherwise she could be risking her job.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/05/2020 20:43

Op, you are now this woman's manager, not just a friend. This will absolutely not be the last time you won't be permitted to share certain information with her, so you might as well get used to it now. Both of you will need to accept that the dynamic of your relationship has changed.

Original poster

GallopingGreen · 12/05/2020 20:44

Yes thanks for all the comments. I do already manage a large team and would never consider this other than she is a very good friend so it made me pause for thought as to what was the right thing to do in this case. She is not another direct report- she's a close friend. Hence wanting to do the kindest thing here.

But I take the comments- will schedule a call with her for immediately after it's announced.

OP posts:

CastleCrasher · 12/05/2020 20:44

Don't. Call her asap after the announcement and say sorry you couldn't tell her ahead of time, you really wanted to. If she's a real friend she'll be delighted for you and will understand. If not, it was just as well you didn't tell her!

WickedlyPetite · 12/05/2020 20:45

How you behave now, before you're even in post, when asked to keep this piece of news confidential, is the start of setting your professional boundaries.

If there are issues with her work, or a grievance against her, or redundancies, and you are asked to keep it confidential until someone higher in the hierarchy speaks to her/the team first, will you give her a little heads up about that too?

Original poster

GallopingGreen · 12/05/2020 20:52

WickedlyPetite you're absolutely right. And as previous posters have pointed out, there will have to be a re-drawing of professional boundaries now. I know I'll feel awkward about it initially (but won't show it), but hey ho it's not personal and I'll handle it.

Thanks for the useful comments here - I needed to hear this.

OP posts:

wehaveafloater · 12/05/2020 20:53

Congrats ...
Stay quiet. Confidential means just that.

wibdib · 12/05/2020 22:32

Could you book some time to see her soon after the news is announced. If you book the meeting now/day before the meeting she will know afterwards that you have been thinking of talking to her before if you see what I mean but you will have ensured that you have got a dedicated time to talk to her on the same day so you will be able to discuss it, even if just for 15 minutes.
Not quite the same as telling her in advance but a tiny step better than just trying to talk to her afterwards!

Norma27 · 13/05/2020 07:24

If it is confidential then I would say no.
I have just had a job offer withdrawn. I am pretty sure a good friend of mine would have known before me but he didn't tell me. I wouldn't have expected him to, and I'm glad he didn't. He did the right thing.

Flip

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.