Cheer up thread... everyday malapropisms

[Blurpblorp]

I could do with a laugh today and to take my mind off current uncertainty. So I remembered this hilarious story and thought I'd share...

An ex work colleague told me about how years ago, her elderly nan just couldn't believe what had happened to Daniella Westbrook's nose due to cocaine addiction. She heard her nan, aghast, relaying this story to someone [imagine Irish accent] "Her scrotum just FELL OUT!"

Anyone else have a malapropism to share?

Bump! Go on... Share...

Many many moons ago, must be at least 20 years. I used to work in a cafe, we're were having a special celebration and my colleague spend much of the day happily telling our customers we were commemorating VD day

An ex colleague telling me all about her new forks leather bed

Nonconformist great aunt, on being asked by the CofE hospital chaplain if she'd like to take communion, wondered if it was OK as she'd not been through the classes and membership rite of his denomination ...'but I've not been circumcised'...

My mother walked into a butchers shop and asked for “a jar of fuck dat.”

She meant duck fat.

my friend once cut her hand on a 'segreated' knife

she also had new 'alcatraz' fitted round all her doors

My neighbour excitedly telling me about the local swans out swimming with their newly hatched zygotes

My XH was always accusing me of “pruning” myself in front of the mirror.

Someone on here use the same term in the same way the other day and I was like “XH is that you?”

These are great... made me chortle @ErrolTheDragon

Not very funny but mum always used to refer to a local multi car park as
a multi storey par cark.

Also, when we lived in Essex she was always on about Titsy Pescoes. (Pitsea Tescos). Pitsea being a place.

She referred to Pierre Boulez as Pierre Bollocks (French compser/conductor).

And instead of saying Do bears shit in the woods, got it mixed up with Is the pope a Catholic - so we got Does the Pope shit in the woods.

My Nan referred to her fake fur as' Intimation skink'