Depressed about young sons

[Forevertired17]

I’m exhausted and sad , I love my two sons but I am physically and mentally tired and almost dead like a walking zombie ,

a bit of background I had my two sons when I was 18 and 19 ,in both pregnancies I felt depressed and had a bit of gender disappointment even though I loved them and love them so so much to this day ,

my eldest son who is 5 now he’s is severely disabled and has a additional needs and my younger son is 4 and has delayed speech , I am a single Mum and there Dad isn’t really in the picture , before lockdown they were going school and nursery and things weren’t so bad but now we are home all day every day ,

I feel so overwhelmed with the mess they make and taking care of them on my own my time that I tend to switch off and just zone out for hours, I don’t feel like I’m coping anymore I’m starting to think they’d be better off with a mum and a dad who could be better parents to them I don’t know I just feel really sad and tired and not really coping right now I feel bad for what I’m thinking and feeling towards them but I just feel so tired , I don’t know what to do I also have a younger child who is one and does see their family sometimes ,

I don’t really know why I wrote this maybe just to get it off my chest and out my mind Instead of holding it in , any advice would be welcome

I read your post and feel so sad you are dealing with all this.
You do sound exhausted and that definitely make everything seem worse. For now try and get as much sleep as you can, even if it means going to bed when they have.
Do you have any close family or friends you can chat to or video call, just to vent your feelings?
Also is there a multi disciplinary team involved in relation to your son's disability needs? If there is it might be worth ringing and explaining that you feel you require respite care to allow you a break. There must be some special provision for this even under current circumstances. I suppose though you will want someone you are comfortable talking to, so if there is a health visitor or key worker or even GP, explain the situation.
Try and be gentle with yourself, it's been a tough 6 weeks and as you said you love your boys and that is what counts. But please love yourself enough to seek support.
P. S the mess is irrelevant, do the basics and the play mess will always be there. Sign of a lived in home.

Speak to social services children with disabilities team. Or your key worker or health visitor. You can ask for them to go to school to give you a break