Would you be friends with an adult who is cruel to their sibling

[frecklick]

I have a friend who is male and very early 20s. He revealed that his brother, who is mid 20s and 5 years older, has humiliated him throughout his life, including at a job they both worked at, to the extent my friend left the job. A recent example is that my friend, who has severe dyslexia and ADHD (and is incredibly bright), is terrible with names and was trying to recall a name, and his brother began to humiliate him for being stupid, and their father stepped in to stop him. Apparently this is constant and has gone on throughout their lives. Yet when they are around each other my friend somewhat defers to him and I can see looks up to him a bit. (The brother went away to study and has a master's degree which is unusual for the family and the place I live, not UK). I have not seen much of the brother but he seems friendly, if with a very slight arrogance, but I may be projecting because of what I know.

It's a small town so there aren't that many people to make friends with, but I wondered whether this would make you think twice about becoming friends with someone when you had that private information. The brother does it freely in front of the parents but conceals his behaviour from his own friends, so the brother hasn't humiliated my friend when his own friends are around.

I suppose i am sensitive to it as I have a similar relationship with my sibling. They are not very nice to me, but I sort of have a hero worship complex about them. My sibling is very popular and successful and has a wide circle of friends.

So, would you avoid any kind of friendship with the brother, or treat them like anybody else. If avoiding a friendship, should you be pleasant and civil to them when you see them, or a little unsmiling and cool.

I would avoid him yes. The fact he hides it from his friends is even worse. It's so sly and calculated.

I'd avoid and if I had to be in his company I'd remain distant. If he tried to humiliate your friend in front of me I'd stand up for him. I did that once for a friend who had been humiliated by his mother all his life. His wife was so thankful, as was he.

Have you seen the bullying for yourself?

Thank you for your replies. I have not seen the bullying, no.

My friend had also told me of another time when his brother was 16, and my friend and his pals were caught with his dad's blue movies. In exchange for not telling the parents, the brother made him clean his (the older brother's) room for a year, tie the laces on the brother's shoes when putting them on his feet, and forbade him from watching his favorite programs on TV for a year.

He sounds like he has psychopathic tendencies to me.

Thats all a bit BDSM. Either its the truth, or its a fantasy. Is he a new friend? Ho well do you know him?
I'd reserve judgement one way or the other until you get proof.

That's a good point. I've known my friend a few months. It's going to sound silly that I didn't mention it but he told me the second time we met that he had seen a psychologist for a year when he was 17 for suicidal depression and being a pathological liar, which he had been doing throughout the preceding years. That said I genuinely believe he doesn't lie to me, including about this. It's a slightly sticky situation as I am not a good judge of people/naive, and also am terrible (but learning) with boundaries. My friend told me he had had feelings for me but seems to be happy with friendship, and while like I say I find he is very bright and has a lot of energy and is fun to be around, he is quite tiring and doesn't listen much to what I say and can tend to talk over me. It might be his insecurity. So I honestly do believe him about his brother but I'm realising the whole situation might not be good to be around. A couple of other people have told me about my friend's reputation for lying and that he is thought of in the town as an idiot for having no filter which makes me want to defend him. He does bring up inappropriate topics or tell lewd stories now and again. It's a tiny town and I am quite lonely. I have to take responsibility for encouraging the friendship by having my own poor boundaries in oversharing, possibly.

Please, please, please, do NOT be cool or mean to the brother. It's great that you are supporting your friend and will defend him. It might all be true or it might all be a lie or it might be something in the middle. Be as nice to the brother as you would be to anyone and make up your mind on what you see... not what you are told. Also be aware that family dynamics play a big part. Your friend might take offence at something you wouldn't even register and brother might seem cooler because he doesn't trust brother. I would be supportive of your friend but reserve judgement on the brother.

He has told you he is a pathological liar. Your friends have warned you that he has a reputation for lying. He has told you several big, dramatic stories which you have accepted at face value.

He is testing your boundaries to see what he can get away with. This isn't a friendship.

He doesn't sound bright and bubbly and fun; he sounds like a complete nightmare and will drag you into a lot of drama. Walk away while you still can.

There's a lot of red flags here about your friend. Really, really a lot.

Another thing to think about--had you told your friend about your own sibling relationship before he started these tales from his own childhood? Did he know this topic would be especially emotional/vulnerable for you?

Lonely is better than being subjected to abusive emotional manipulation.