What do you expect from your child as an adult?

[Shosha1]

And what do you do to facilitate this?

This is NOT a thread about a thread, but so often on here we hear if adults who really are not capable of being adults.

Is this because their parents did not teach them how?
Not just through neglect of any or all sorts, but because they expected so little of them.

Did they expect them to suddenly be adults without the direction in place ?

I am a mother, a grandmother and a great grandmother. I have been in childcare for over 40 years.

I have seen so much change in childrearing, so much is so much better, but not all.

Expectations of capabilities of children under teenage, in my own opinion has gone down. Children under teenage, are not left to problem solve on their own enough. Consequently they get to teenage years and find entering the adult world a frightening confusing place.

What do you think?

I think children mature at different rates.

Some of that is parenting, but lots is just their nature or other things outside your control (such as pandemics).

I think it is very easy for parents with mature responsible kids to pat themselves on the back, but given a different child they might have had different outcomes.

But isnt it giving children responsibilities at younger age, that makes them mature.

I have looked after 90 children in my life one at most a 6 to one ratio. ( I was a childminder)
I have had children come to me at 18months could put on their own wellies, because the parents took the time, literally to stand back and let them try, and the child come to me at 3 who cant put on a pair of shoes, because from the wellies stage, have always had them done for them.
A very simple analogy. But basically what I am saying is : Let the child try, you will be surprised at what they can do. Some may do it a little slower than others, but unless they try they will never do it.

It’s different parenting personalities

I want DC to try things and learn it’s ok if hey can’t quite do something one time
As one day they will be able to do it and they’ll be so proud they tried

DC now wants to help and try

Yes it can be frustrating for us both as sometimes DC fails and gets upset or sometimes I’m in a rush or can see it not going well but I’m there to support and guide and make sure they see the positives about what they do whether it’s a success or not

But learning how to fail, is surely one if the skills we should be teaching children. We cant all get it right first time. And sometimes it's ok to fail. Sometimes it is alright not to come first.

Again the old adage try, try and try again comes into play.

None of us wants to see our child fail. And yes it is heartbreaking to see their heartbreak. But are we doing our children any service to never let them fail?

No idea. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t let their child fail personally.

It’s all part of the learning and learning to try and try again

If you don’t let them try they will never fail or succeed

Unfortunately I have met a fair few who will try to never let their child fail. Will never let there child take any risk. Will never let their child try something 'different' from what they perceive as the norm.

Children who are protected from anything and everything that may in the slightest hurt or upset them.

I have seen children not allowed to climb a wall or play a sport, just incase they get hurt.

Who is not allowed to walk a road at 11on their own. Then at 12 be expected to ho on a school bus, and the parents wondering why the child falls apart at it.

Children who suffer such great anxiety, because they have never been taught that things can go wrong, but most of the time ( and I do understand that it does not always) it can be turned around, and things can go right again.

Maybe with this time to look back at the last 41 years of having children in my life, and at all the children I have looked after, and being in touch with about two thirds of them. I see how all if them are coping with what has been happening to us all.

Some are outstanding adults, and I am proud to call them and their parents friends.

Some, not so much. And they as a whole were children that not as much was expected of them.

That is such a shame for the child and I really hope that cases such as that are in the minority

Learning to fall over and get back up again is something that children need to learn young, and how do parents protect their child throughout school with new hobbies and trips abroad that all bring risks

The risks of which will be far worse to those that haven’t ever scuffed their knee

I'm not talking about children who have SEN, nor children who through no fault of their own have mental or emotional difficulties. I have cared for children in both those categories ( such as harsh word to use for children) and seen children with both these excell within their capabilities.

Some who through neglect and emotional abuse, who were never, with the greatest will in the world, be able to turn their world around.
And some in those very same situations, become more than any expectation could have ever been thought of them.

Seriously there are people who don't let 11 year old out down the road on their own? Live abroad where it is normal for 6 year olds to walk to school alone so can't get my head around this 🤔

Oh I know quite a few. And this is in a rural, very middle class very safe area.

You are right OP. I have observed the same trend tbh.

I agree op. I try and let DS do things that are risky and which he may fail at. Many others mums have expressed their disapproval (strangley not fathers) and yet I had so much more freedom that he had.

You should be an invisible safety net for your children. You always catch them when they fall, but you must allow them to fall. Let them learn that falling doesn't always mean failing and that they can get back up and be as good as new.

It terrifies me what the children of the next decades will be like, I see more and more children shielded from the realities of life.
Will this pandemic make things worse or better?

Most teachers, scout leaders etc see that children are far more capable than many parents see them as.

@helpfulperson Maybe that's it as an educator of small persons I do see that. And I came from a generation who were expected to try hard, and as a single parent for most of my DS younger years, I expected him to pull his weight as much as he was able.

We expect our children to be good people, to be kind, to be moral and to consider others. We expect them to earn their living in an honourable way and always strive to be their best.
We hope they have lifelong commitment in a loving relationship.

We have helped them by ensuring good qualifications, unconditional love, a sense of direction with good role models. We’ve guided through early adulthood and supported financially but not to a level where they can abdicate responsibility.

I agree OP. My son was allowed to start getting the train to see his father (a two hour journey with no changes) when he was 12. However, my husband has 2 children and they are 14 and 16. They have never been allowed on the train by the ex as it’s too dangerous, there’s paedoes, murderers etc 🤦‍♀️ It’s also a 2 hour journey with no changes. As such they now have a weird phobia of trains because they haven’t been allowed to try and DH has to travel 400 miles every two weeks (2 x 100 mile return journeys to collect them)