Insecure and pushy mum

[MyCatEats4]

My ds (9) has been friends with a boy in his class who always boast about his achievements. Sports badges, school report you name it he boasts about it. Sadly his mum is exactly the same. She always tells everyone how successful her son is or that her dh got a pay rise at work, won prestigious sports competitions etc. She is ultra competitive with me for some weird reason. Whenever something good is going for us and she finds out about it (I normally avoid her but she finds these things out through ds.) She starts bombarding me with questions and then acts all dismissively towards me.

Ds struggles with his confidence at times. He recently started learning the trumpet and absolutely loves it. His teacher is lovely and it's great for ds's confidence, he really does seem much happier overall.

Now competitive mum wants her ds to also learn the trumpet and is asking for music teacher's details. I do not want them to share the same teacher as it will all become a competition about who gets to do grades first / better.

How can I diplomatically not share our teacher's info?

Sorry I asked her and she's fully booked with no capacity for new pupils.

God that's a tricky one. I have a friend who is v similar, and always wants her child to have the exact same thing/toy/experience as mine. Mostly I laugh it off, but the friendship is def hard work sometimes as a result.

You can't not pass the teacher's details on as it's taking away business. And you can't ask the teacher not to teach for the same reason.

I'd probably let her crack on and hope her son loses interest. And make it clear your son is learning for fun, and you won't discuss progress with her.

I'm sure the teacher has dealt with people like her before and can advise!

The teacher is very much in demand and I have shared his details with another school mum with a ds in a different year. I just don't want this lovely experience to be hijacked for more blatant competition from ds's friend and his mum.

Can I also ask for some polite standard replies to their constant sharing of family achievements? I promise I am not envious, we are happy with our lot. It's just their weird obsession with being super academic and super talented apparently it's very awkward.

The most unpleasant thing is that she is almost predatory in how she acts when she thinks ds or I have something good going. She starts interrogating us about all the details.

Hmm. If she's like my friend then I'm guessing she won't take no for an answer?!

So....

1. Ask your teacher if she has spaces and pass on deets if she has. If she doesn't - great! Problem solved!

1. If not, and when the inevitable bragging starts, I find the 'no audience, no performance' mantra works. Don't reply to texts about it, or keep answers short and neutral.

1. I take it there's no contact at the mo between the kids? And that her kid doesnt do the bragging? In which case, just keep up the mantra, and remember it's her feelings of inferiority that are the reason for this.

My friend - who I genuinely adore - has a very hard to please mother. So I know why she does what she does. I'll never be ever to heal that for her, but I can adapt my own behaviour so she knows I won't be fanning the flames!

Can I also ask for some polite standard replies to their constant sharing of family achievements

That's nice, and walk away. I take it your not really bothered with a friendship with this person ? Then I would bother with being polite. Walk away when she comes near etc

You and your son can’t control her behaviour. It’s also not nice to be taking potential business away from the teacher.

Concentrate on what you can control, your reaction to this and your sons reaction. Set the foundations for this now, otherwise how will he cope as a teen when someone is always more academic than him, or in the workplace when he’s not as good as someone else.

If it’s such a big deal about the comparison, just smile and change the subject when she wants to tell you that her son has been learning the trumpet for one week and already he’s won first prize in a national competition. Smile, and change the subject.

My best friend is a lot like this, and it took about 5 years or so to realise how much she talked up her kids achievements, and how much it made me worry that my own kids were somehow substandard. Possibly this woman is coming from a place of insecurity. But over time I realised that her kids were like mine, sometimes they were the best and sometimes they weren’t. But what was important was that mine learnt over time to eye roll just a little and shrug it off. It became just one of her personality quirks.

I faced this as ds is naturally very able but looked like a total no hoper until he was about 14, he seemed to draw weird competitive parents out on a way dd never has. I used to laugh and make jokes so if asked his spelling mark or grade or whatever I’d say ‘oh he did really well, about half I think’ then grin and walk off. 11 plus was a nightmare. The headteacher demanded to know his ‘ranking’ it became so absurd, at that point I did tell them all to have a word with themselves and passed on the numbers of some excellent volunteering services such as right to read that could focus their academics ambitions in a more community minded way.
What I struggle to understand is why you what to be friends with a woman intent on knocking your sons confidence. Just ignore her or make it clear your son is not up for discussion in her silly competitive game of life.

Oh and re the trumpet teacher I’d give her the number but say “here’s the number you asked for. To be clear, ds plays for fun and not to rush thru grades, I don’t want you turning this into another competition as it’s bad for both children, do you understand?”
And warn the teacher.

Good advice thank you! I shall try to heed it I agree trying to control the situation by not sharing trumpet teacher's details makes me feel even more stressed. She'd probably ask ds anyway. Just wish people had more common sense and didn't feel such a need for fierce competition.

@MyCatEats4 competitive parenting sucks.

Good luck and let us know how it goes...

She becomes dismissive when she’s got what she needs? Then just be the same to her. When she starts the boasting loom around ad though bored then change the subject immediately ‘strange weather, what have you got planned this week/weekend?