I’m sitting here in floods of tears with none to talk to. I’m not British, moved here 25 years back when I got married. No family here on both sides. My husband comes from a family where his parents favoured his brother more and that seems to have affected his confidence. His attitude towards life is always be on tenterhooks and keep comparing your life with everyone else. I on the other hand come from a family where me and sis were treated equally and had a lovely childhood. After coming here the ‘target’ was own house, senior posts at work and sizeable savings. Because I’ve not been pushed in this manner by my parents I took this upon myself very strongly. I/we were like horses with blinkers on and ticked off the list. I aborted a pregnancy as I was so scared to have a child without meeting these targets.
After 10 years we decide to have a baby but I’m ver sad to say I did not enjoy being pregnant or the approaching motherhood. I was scared about losing my place in the job market although we had enough savings for me to stay at home for 2-3 years at this point. I went back to work in 8 months which was fine with my daughter. I erased the idea of having another child, as I had to go to counselling the first time around. The councillor actually told me that ‘the fears I’m having are not mine but I’m carrying my husband fears around, and that I need to stop doing that’. Also a year before pregnancy I had a massive panic attack on the train to the point that I still cannot travel in a train and suffer from anxiety/panic attacks.
My husband was made redundant prior to the pandemic and I’m working from home and my daughter is homeschooling. He reads a lot and every time now it’s a constant harassing about how we don’t have a second plan/not enough networked links etc. He does all the homeschooling but I’ve been told that I don’t help out at all because of my ‘protected work time’. He has never supported me emotionally as his idea is ‘patting on the back/or saying it’ll be fine’ is a waste of time. I sometimes feel that although he wasn’t a me to run like a horse he also wants me to fail so that I’m never more successful than him. He always had troubled relationships at work however I get along fine with work staff. He always puts this down to your work is not as important as mine..when he used to work from home nobody should go into the home office while he is on a call. But when I try to finalise the year end accounts I’m asked to make tea/get lunch for my daughter etc. I don’t have problems doing this but it’s just that it appears that I’m constantly reminded that my job/me are not as important as he is.
The pandemic has really highlighted how fickle life is. I ambitious but I also want to ‘live’ my life..I don’t want to constantly run behind targets. I really wish I had someone to talk to.....I don’t know where I went wrong in life