What is your 4 year old like?

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I'm interested to hear what others' four years olds are like. I find mine (DS, 4 years 4 months) very challenging at times but I openly admit that I'm a bit of a control freak, bossy and have very high standards of everyone...so it would be helpful to have a bit of perspective!

Things I find tough about DS:

• he will not play alone, hardly ever. He's very needy and I think gets anxious about being left out (we also have DS2 14 months) and so he follows DH or I everywhere a lot of the time, unless he's watching TV
• he's fussy about really tiny things, eg getting cross because his porridge is too hot to eat THAT VERY MINUTE.
• he seems grumpy a lot, sometimes for no obvious reason
• he's quick to snap for no obvious reason, and be aggressive. He's much better than he used to be as we went through a phase of hitting a lot before he turned 4, but he still does it, and if not he'll either shout or be aggressive with his words eg you're being NASTY to me mummy etc
• he's not destructive exactly but has to be told not to do things a lot eg touch hot things, start spraying a bottle of cleaning spray that's hanging around, touch a freshly painted wall...
• I think he can be controlling/fussy about random things eg will insist on going down the stairs first in the morning, insist on going up to see his baby brother first when he wakes up, wants baby brother to keep playing with him when clearly baby bro has had enough
• he doesn't seem to have a great attention span, he'll concentrate on Lego etc but not much else. Isn't keen on crafts, colouring etc although he's definitely getting better with age
• feel like he doesn't listen to half the stuff I say!
• he seems unsure of himself, a bit anxious and lacks confidence. I blame myself for this partly as I suffered with PND last year and I'm not proud of how I parented a lot of the time

Things that are lovely and positive about him:

• I found 3 a very hard age and 4 is definitely easier - he just seems that bit more reasonable and less impulsive (slightly!)
• he can be very loving and sweet, often tries to cheer his little brother up if he's sad or just make him laugh or smile for no reason
• seems imaginative and creative if you actually play with him properly, but it's a shame he rarely seems to play like this alone - he seems to need someone to bounce off even if I don't give him much creative input
• he seems to respond well to gentle parenting tactics eg from the How To Talk...book, but equally will usually respond ok to threats when used eg stop being naughty or the TV will go off

Trinpy oh my goodness the fridge thing! And the scooter luckily my DS is all talk, he would never actually do these things. If he says he doesn't want his tea we act all breezy and say ok then put it in the bin. He'll say fine I'll put it in the bin and pretends to but doesn't. Although the other week he actually did and DH and I were inwardly gobsmacked.

The fridge threat thing is very familiar, I get all sorts ranging from the simple "go away mummy" to "I'm going to throw you in the bin" etc. I mean I'm glad he's using his words to express his anger instead of hitting!

to you too!

My 4 year old likes to be part of everything and really doesn’t do much alone - I’m not sure if it help but I have 6 children 4 of them sounded exactly like your 4 year old - constantly needing attention wanting their own way etc. 2 of my girls (now 15 and 9) were the best behaved toddlers - never nagging for attention would sit for ages playing alone etc. Both were diagnosed with autism as older children so although I was going round telling everyone how wonderful it was they were SO independent and patting myself on the back for such wonderful toddlers - it turned out to be none of my doing!

Absolutely OP, that really is the crux of most things- they're just children. They've entered a world that is very new and bizarre and sometimes they just seem to get it wrong lots. But it's amazing you've acknowledged this, as that's such an important step.

Whatever happens, don't ever give yourself a hard time. Start each day fresh and don't expect too much too often.

Thanks all for the tips and perspective it's been helpful.

Today has been a much better day already, DS slept until 7am so that probably helped, but I just haven't scolded him needlessly/micro managed him and I think it's helped. For example when I was changing DS2 nappy and DS1 flung a small pile of clean clothes that were on a chair so he could stand and watch, normally I would've said along the lines of oh mummy doesn't want those clothes on the floor or something but I just left it - he wanted to stand on the chair to join us, not to be naughty and throw clothes on the floor, he doesn't even realise that it would have to be cleared up. It took me all of 10 seconds to just pick them up after and put them back on the chair and it was worth it to avoid a row. I told him if he got dressed straight away we could play any game he wanted (non working day today!) and bless him he went and got dressed completely all on his own so quickly, so I played a (mind numbing) pretend game with him until it came to a natural end. These sorts of little things are important to him, I know, and I think stand us in better stead for the day.

Sounds like you’re doing a great job in incredibly trying circumstances. I’d like to echo PPs - DS1 is like this and even now (7) cannot entertain himself for long stretches (except with a book...hold out for reading!). DS2 was able to at 4 months. We were genuinely stunned...I found myself saying to DH ‘Watch this!’ and leaving him playing contentedly on his mat for 20 minutes. DS1 would have been in full meltdown after three minutes at that age. Nothing to do with him having to entertain himself as the second born, as DS1 carried on with the CM when I was on maternity leave, pure personality!

Op I have 3 year old twins and they are chalk and cheese, one is exactly like your ds and the other is way more chill and easygoing. Please don't blame yourself or your PND. Good to be aware of parenting impacting on kids but at the end of the day they are also I believe born with certain predestined personality traits x

Thanks both! I can definitely already see that DS2 is completely different. He's quite volatile as a baby whereas DS1 was chilled (until he was about 2.5-3!) but also much more eager to move. I think he's going to be a handful but at least I'm prepared.

So we just went for our daily walk (joy) and he was a pain - which he often is on our walk. DS2 is newly walking so we always take him out of the pram for him to have a toddle. DS1 enjoys pushing the empty pram around which is fine, but gets stroppy when it's time for DS2 to go back in. Not tantrumming, just stroppy, trying to stop me taking the pram by putting the break on etc.

Nothing major but this kind of thing winds me up so much! He had his balance bike with him so took it and sped off without his helmet despite us both telling him to stop/no bike without his helmet on. After lots of stroppiness/telling us we're nasty etc we got the bike back and DH carried it home. Not an issue really but DH is very much "fine we'll leave the bike here then" which just makes it worse. I don't think it's a huge problem for a 4 year old to decide they don't want to ride the bike the whole time? I'm forever seeing parents carrying bikes and scooters.

Anyway, he's wound up then (DS1) and finds a huge stick and starts poking DH with it. Again this kind of things really winds DH up (it annoys me too don't get me wrong as he was poking him quite hard but I think I have a higher tolerance filter for these little things). Eventually he stops when DH tells him it hurts etc. No major meltdowns or anything but it's this kind of shite we deal with very regularly, even if he's in a seemingly good mood (which he is today!).

Writing it all down it doesn't seem a big deal at all...I need to lower my standards don't I?! Four year olds are just annoying! (No one shouted/got angry by the way beyond the usual firm "stop it" etc, it's just put me in a bad mood, mainly because we're in lockdown too!).