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help not sure if my fella is gay or what to do

12 replies

Hally3 · 09/05/2020 20:44

Been together 8 years. No sex for last 4/5 years really, though when discussed he says we are best friends and sex isn't everything. I'm 40 and childless, but that's ok. We aren't married. We rent together. He is 56. I found naked men (quite unattractive old ones) and shots of budgie in lycra shorts on his downloads. In the past have found yukky female pics, but recently all male. I haven't told him I've found them. Think he knows though as I'm now locked out of his laptop. I've asked him this week, if he is gay, and planning to pursue it, to please do it sooner rather than later, as not to waste any more of my time. But he says we are happy. Mostly we are, we have fun. But this is making me sad. I don't know what to do. Nothing? Confront him? He does often comment on attractive men in the press like Richi Sunak "what a good looking boy". I feel like an idiot.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 09/05/2020 20:50

When he says 'we are happy' he means 'I am happy with this arrangement'. Its not making you happy, its making you sad. You can't change the situation so your choice is to stay and accept this is your future, or leave.

How do you feel about leaving?

tiredanddangerous · 09/05/2020 20:54

It doesn’t really matter whether he’s gay or not. If you’re not happy in the relationship you need to leave.

ItchyScratch · 09/05/2020 21:32

If he were to ‘come out’ does he have family members who would be mad/ disown him etc. Or anyone like that?

Because I’ve known three separate men who have came out much later in life and it was all down to having parents or older siblings who wouldn’t have approved (and therefore coming out after their death)

One in particular was my uncle.

underneaththeash · 09/05/2020 21:35

Are you happy OP?

donquixotedelamancha · 09/05/2020 21:39

I've asked him this week, if he is gay, and planning to pursue it, to please do it sooner rather than later, as not to waste any more of my time. But he says we are happy.

That sounds a lot like admitting he's gay.

Greenlorry · 09/05/2020 21:54

I think you need to ask him about the lack of sex. Then ask him directly if he would rather be with a man. Did you never want children together?

Hally3 · 09/05/2020 22:15

thank you for replies. I feel filled with dread about leaving, but if its the thing to do, I'll do it, come what may. Just trying to figure out what is for the best. I'm mostly enjoying his company lots, but this is causing sadness for sure. I asked him again after posting this, said I'd support him fully if he is gay and wants to come out, that I felt he might be, given lack of sex and general behaviour and that I think we should do whatever makes us happy causing minimal hurt to others, so could he please confirm either way, or even if he wants a sexual relationship with anyone male or female. He now says he doesn't like men and wants to see a sex therapist with me... don't know what to think. Just tired.

OP posts:
Hally3 · 09/05/2020 22:16

and PS cant have children it seems - PCOS, 10 stone and can't conceive :(

OP posts:
Thisismytimetoshine · 09/05/2020 22:18

He doesn't get to tell you that you (plural) are happy Hmm. You clearly aren't?

Brownyblonde · 09/05/2020 22:19

A straight man doesn't have downloaded pictures of naked men on his laptop. Clutching at straws... Is he asexual?? And looking at filthy pics of both men and women to try to stimulate something within himself to see if he feels anything at all. Could it be this?? This would account for having no sex drive

mymadworld · 09/05/2020 22:30

I really don't mean this to sound patronising but you are never going to get pregnant if you don't have sex! You say you can't conceived but unless you are having regular sex when you've ovulating you could well be missing out on motherhood (if that's what you want).

BruceWilllis · 09/05/2020 23:50

He sounds selfish. He's happy but you clearly aren't! I would leave. This relationship may be fine for him but it isnt working for you! Your'e still young in reality and have time to find someone who really rocks your world (if you want someone that is).

Sorry I don't understand your comment about being 10 stone.

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