What do you do when one member of the family NEEDS interaction and the rest really don't?

[ContessaferJones]

DH, DS2 (8yo) and myself are all quite comfortable amusing ourselves - books, radio shows, drawing, colouring in, making up games etc (delete as applicable by age appropriateness). DS1 (9yo), OTOH, has no sense of how to entertain himself - he noticeably struggles when tasked with invention of any kind. We do all devote some time to entertaining him throughout the day, but it's exhausting and frankly we could do without mandated 'entertain DS1' time. If left deliberately alone then he harrasses DS2 until he gets a reaction.

Anyone got any experience of this and/or advice on how to teach him to be a bit more self-sufficient?! It's not so bad normally because he gets his social time at school but lockdown is doing our heads in

Bump

The way my mother managed that was to give you some housework to do every time we complained we were bored.

We quickly found out that the best way to avoid it was to keep quiet, mind our own business and... pretend we were busy tidying up every time we heard her approaching...

Could you magically become an extrovert? No? Well he can't become an introvert. You need to support your child's needs. I feel really sorry for him because it must be extremely hard. It's not about him becoming self-sufficient, it's about an emotional need.

At 9 he can't leave home and live in a big flat share or travel the world (as I did). And there isn't school or activities. You can connect him with Skype, Messenger and so on. But actually just meet your child's needs.

Mine is a lot younger (3) but I saw some good ideas about putting some activities in, say, a jar so if they’re at a loose end they can pick one out. What is it that he wants/needs? Is it someone to talk to or play with, or is it just that he can’t come up with anything to amuse himself? I think there’s a difference there as some people (me!) need conversation and company a lot more than others (my DH). If he just can’t come up with anything he wants to do I’d probably suggest some chores and be vigilant to any attempts to annoy DS2

One of our big compromises is long country walks. I get exercise & DS talks (at me) non-stop for 2 hours.

Screens, too. Nintendo Switch.

Being self sufficient and not needing any interaction with the people you're trapped in the house with are two different things.

I feel so sad for your DS1, this is something he NEEDS not something he’s doing to annoy you. I’m more like you and my husband is more like him and I do have to make an effort to entertain him sometimes. But I love him and want him to be happy, so I don’t mind ...

We do interact with him, a lot - we are at his beck and call far more often than not. But there are times when three of us just want to sit reading a book and he hovers around complaining that he's got no-one to play with - those are the times I struggle with. Surely even extroverts need to learn how to pass half an hour without interaction?

It doesn't help that he will flatly refuse to do anything we suggest - drawing, playing Lego, trampoline. He also won't willingly go for walks or do chores - you have to promise him rewards or else threaten restriction of video game time to get him to do either. It's exhausting.

My 11yo is like this too, it's incredibly draining! Solidarity. I am too exhausted to say anything helpful about it now but I do know exactly what you mean. Today he ended up sobbing telling me I might as well tell him not to exist. We got past that and I don't think he does think that but seriously!

Yes even extroverts need to be able to self entertain. I'm seriously worried actually that if we don't fix this he'll discover in the not too distant future that weed or alcohol or cigarettes fill that "I'm bored, entertain me" hole very nicely and what a waste of a life that would be.

Janet lansbury is a starting hint and the book smart but Scattered. Like I said I'll try to come back when I have some energy left. Which will probably be another day.

BTW - I'm an extrovert myself! Although also quite happy in my own company. I just mean it's not simply an introvert/extrovert clash.

Try a routine. If he can predict the times of day that are "quiet time" he's far more likely to comply.

Ooh, that is a good idea eggybreadleg.

Ds is 9 and he's spending a fair bit of time online playing Xbox with his friends. They can all chat away and although it's not as good as seeing them it is some interaction.

You're absolutely right OP. He does need to entertain himself for short periods. Being an extrovert isn't an excuse for being a dick and demanding everyone disregards their needs in order to meet yours.

It is hard when you're locked in together and some people are introvert and some are extrovert, particularly for one extrovert in a sea of introverts, but it's give and take from both sides. Meeting his needs does not mean never asking him to entertain himself.

Will he watch a film/have some screen time? Zoom with his friends?

I would maybe produce a rough timetable for the day, putting in periods of time where he has to entertain himself between family time and make it non-negotiable. So maybe 30 mins of reading. Family walk. He helps you with lunch. Everyone eats together. 1 hr screen time. DH does something with him. 30 mins quiet play (Lego etc). You do something with him/encourage DS to do something with him. Zoom call with friends. He helps with dinner. Everyone eats together. Family board game. He goes to bed half hour early and can read for 30 mins.

Ironically the only times he doesn't demand attention are when he's watching a screen - he'd happily do that all day, which comes with its own set of problems

Creating a timetable with set amuse-thyself time sounds like a fab idea - thank you!

My 8 year old is like this too (although he has ASD). We sat down with him and made a list of all the things he could do by himself. Then we took pictures of everything and I made him a single page with about 8 things on.

Works quite well most of the time!

I would also explain to him about introverts and extroverts, how some people get their energy from being social (like him) and other people get their energy from being quiet (like you). That both are lovely ways to be, one is not better or worse than the other. That it's important that you help each other. It's important that you play with him and do things with him, and you will. And it's also important that he give you time to be quiet, and he must try to do that by doing something by himself.

I point out her behaviour and tell her that just she's bored or looking for attention etc, it doesn't mean she she can pester other people or ruin their fun or downtime. I'm an.extrovert, but I understand that other people are entitled to live without me jabbering at them. My 8 yr old needs to too.

One of my DC is extroverted, have structured the day, one of is is doing 1:1 exercise / chatting with them daily, and have organised facetime calls with grandparents, cousins and (1:1) a few friends.

Meals together whenever possible.

Got them to make a list of activities they enjoy, “should dos”, eg reading, music practice, and chores emptying dishwasher, putting laundry away. They either entertain themself or get given chores!

barred them from interrupting their older sibling Mon to Fri (in another room doing distance learning).

We both work FT but have each taken off an hour or two a couple of days a week to help with education / company.