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Original poster

For those with kids - if you didn't feel broody, what made you decide to have them?

34 replies

Pannsies · 09/05/2020 15:48

I'm mid-thirties and do not feel broody at all. No urge to have kids. My husband does want them though, and I know I'd like to have family around when I'm my parent's age.

If you be never had the biological urge to have kids, what made you decide to have them in the end?

OP posts:
TreacherousPissFlap · 09/05/2020 16:08

XP needed medical treatment that came with the risk of infertility and we did not qualify for any help with IVF (in all honesty I don't feel I am cut out for IVF anyway and would have likely not used it even if I was eligible)
I absolutely would not change DS for the world, but a great deal of my pregnancy was marked with ambivalence and a slight feeling of disconnection.
Ironically DH and I have struggled with secondary infertility and I have never been able to have a second child, so it's like everything worked out in the end.

UnmightyBoosh · 09/05/2020 16:15

Please don’t have kids if you don’t want them.

ExpletiveDelighted · 09/05/2020 16:17

I was fairly ambivalent and DH didn't feel too strongly either so once we had settled in jobs, bought a house, got married and were in our mid 30s we thought we'd let nature take it's course. 18 months later when it seemed everyone else I knew was pregnant and I wasn't then I suddenly very badly wanted to be. We then had two fairly close together, best decision ever. I suppose it was the biological clock thing.

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Mumof1andacat · 09/05/2020 16:19

Because our friends were and its seemed expected because we'd been together for so long and society sort of says you have children. Wish I'd not listened to any of it. I wouldn't change ds but looking back I did it for other people not for me.

Aria2015 · 09/05/2020 16:20

I'd never specifically said 'I don't want children' but I wasn't broody at all and whenever my dh would bring up trying I'd always have an excuse, an upcoming holiday, a wedding etc... one night we were out for dinner and my dh just called me out on all my excuses and so I had to make a decision and so we set a 'date' to try. I got pregnant straight away which was a shock but also good as I didn't have much time to think about trying. I got used to idea of being pregnant quite quickly but had a mmc at 11 weeks and was surprised how devastated I was. The mc made me realise I did want a baby and I went from not being broody to absolutely desperate for one. So it was really just a leap of faith to begin with.

Missillusioned · 09/05/2020 16:20

I married a man who did want children. I didn't think about it too deeply, just decided to give it a go.

Dogwalks2 · 09/05/2020 16:21

We had been married 12 years and I was waiting for the broody thing to happen. It didn’t so as I was heading into my late 30s just went for it, 3 kids in and I’m glad we did it. Once you have a baby that nurturing instinct kicks in.

clumsyduck · 09/05/2020 16:23

I didn’t have the urge and I was quite young but accidentally got pregnant and the rest is history haha I love dc and wouldn’t change a thing . But now I’m at the age when a lot of my friends are just having dc I’m back to not being at all broody despite hoping to finally end up in a long term relationship ( iv been single for ages )

If your only reason is having family around when you are older I would say there are no guarantees that will happen I know plenty of people who don’t live anywhere near their parents and rarely see them . I love my folks but if I could move from this country if the opportunity arose then i absolutley would

mnahmnah · 09/05/2020 16:23

I never felt broody or maternal. But I knew that what I wanted in life was to have that family unit. It was more about the long-term than really wanting the baby stage

deewebb99x · 09/05/2020 16:26

Not being able to get a abortion
Not using contraception..

PawPatrolMakesMeDrink · 09/05/2020 16:29

Contraception failure.

Hunnybears · 09/05/2020 16:31

Not from personal experience but from what I’ve heard, the biological clock starts ticking from the time you know it becomes more difficult to get pregnant.

That’s often is enough to set of an urge that perhaps wasn’t there before.

I imagine the fact you’re settled with a partner you know that you could start trying tomorrow. If you were single I suspect there’s a big possibility that you would start thinking about it now.

I also think, what you can’t have makes you want it more as another poster illustrated. Also if you’re hubby said he didn’t want one I imagine that would get you thinking.

I agree though, if you feel you really don’t want one then definitely don’t have but if you’ve not though much about it and wouldn’t say no then it’s probably a good time to start thinking

DateandTime · 09/05/2020 16:33

It was exactly as you say in your OP. I'd never been desperate to have babies but I suddenly realised that if I didn't have kids, one day I would have no family.

TBH I could do with it the first year but I have thoroughly enjoyed my DC since then, especially now they are teens/young adults. A meal and a bottle of wine or a weekend away with my sons is my favourite thing in the world. Thankfully they still seem to enjoy it too as long as we're paying

ArialAnna · 09/05/2020 16:33

Honestly? Because DH wanted them and we'd gone into our relationship saying we both eventually wanted to have a family, and I didn't think my ambivalence was a good enough reason to go back on that! (It would have been different of course if I'd changed my mind and decided I didn't want them, but I was just undecided)

2 DC later and I'm very glad I took the plunge. I'm not convinced broodiness is a good predictor of how much you'll enjoy parenting any way. (Surely it's just an evolutionary trick to encourage us to proceate?!). I rather think a lot of what determines whether you'll enjoy parenting is your individual circumstances.

E.g.
Do you have space for them? (Or the option to move?)
Do you have a high enough income to support them without financial worries?
Have you acheived all / some of the key things for yourself you wanted to in life? (E.g. get to a certain point in your career/ travel to your must visit countries)
Do you have a DH would will do his fair share of childcare and housework?

In my view, all these things are a better predictor of if you'll regret having children or not. There's nothing wrong with taking a logical unemotional approach to the decision.

DateandTime · 09/05/2020 16:33

Do without the first year...

ExpletiveDelighted · 09/05/2020 16:33

I never felt broody or maternal. But I knew that what I wanted in life was to have that family unit. It was more about the long-term than really wanting the baby stage - yes, I think that was us too, we just sort of assumed that's where we were headed and never gave it too much thought till we got into our 30s.

happytoday73 · 09/05/2020 16:43

I agree with others.

I was very much take it or leave it... If I'd married someone who didn't want kids I think I would have been OK with that.

My DH always wanted kids, I knew he would be a good dad and we had agreed that as I was more career orientated he would take on more family role.

In reality motherhood has changed me dramatically... I found baby stage hard... But truly love being a mum..and have downgraded my career to be with them more...
My DH has found it far harder than expected...

Horsebox36 · 09/05/2020 16:46

Never had a maternal bone in my body, never envisaged myself having children. Husband wanted them desperately so I took a leap of faith. Thought it's now or never. DS is 7 months now and the absolute light of my life. I could cry with love every time I look at him. My maternal instincts and capabilities have shocked me; I never believed I would feel this way. Sounds like a cliche, I know.
Good luck 😊💗

superstressy · 09/05/2020 16:46

For a comfortable life with wealthy partner.

Love DD to bits though, can't go a day without her.

BellysGonnaGetYa · 09/05/2020 16:47

Same as above. I've never felt broody but always known I wanted a family in the long term. My biological clock is what pushed me to take the plunge now (currently 35 y.o. and 35 weeks pregnant with number 1). If I was was younger then I'd have waited longer.

Original poster
Pannsies · 09/05/2020 17:44

Thanks everyone. It's such a tricky one. Making a decision on something that you have no desire to do, with no idea of how it'll turn out. The only reason I'd have kids is because of having a family later on in life but I know that's not the right reason. When people say they were ambivalent but now their kids are the best thing that ever happened to them it does make me question myself though.

My husband says I'm negative about it all but it's because having my own kids has no appeal for me, as much as I love my nieces and nephew. Somehow not wanting kids is still seen as the wrong choice.

OP posts:
Hunnybears · 09/05/2020 17:56

OP you can’t know how much you love them until you them. My god they’re hard work at times 😂 but.... having kids opens up a whole new realm of love that you never knew existed. It’s actually indescribable how much you love them. So as much as you love you’re nieces and nephews etc, TVs live you’d have for your own child would be like comparing a pea and the moon in size. It’s amazing.

Having said that, if you chose to not have children that’s fair enough. I suppose you can’t miss something you’ve never had so your life will be fulfilling in the way you have always known it

Hunnybears · 09/05/2020 17:57

Until you have them I mean

Hunnybears · 09/05/2020 17:58

the love you’d have for your own children I mean

SimonJT · 09/05/2020 18:03

I never ever thought about having children, it had never crossed my radar. My son is the result of an in family adoption, I didn’t particularly want to take him on and only agreed as a temporary measure until a longer term foster placement was found.

Three years later, he’s still here and his adoption has been finalised. I have zero paternal instincts, but there is no way I would go back and decide not to take him on. I’m so happy I was essentially forced to care for him for six weeks.

I really want to be able to have another, but I know that it will be unlikely, which makes me sad. I still have zero interest in other peoples children/babies.