I think I must be a really horrible person...

[SneakyBlinder]

I’ve NC for this because frankly I’m embarrassed and I don’t want it linked to my other posts.

I’ve recently (over lockdown) realised that very few people actually like me and I have no idea where I’ve gone wrong.
I have 2DC of my own and 3SC. 1 of my SC lives with us all the time as he doesn’t get on with his mum, he’s great, we get on really well. The other 2 SC came over for the day yesterday and ignored me the whole time they were here. I’ve been their SM for 7 years now and we used to get on fine, no major arguments, problems or issues. They came in yesterday and hugged their dad, chatted and laughed with him, while I sat like a spare part. Not included in anything. When they got up to leave they hugged him again and said goodbye but again, I was just ignored. I called out “bye” but got no response.
It was my birthday a week ago. I got 3 cards, 1 text message and a e-card from my SS in America. My dad and brother both forgot and I haven’t heard anything from them.
I have no friends, not 1. I used to have loads but having DC and moving a few times seems to have changed that. I’ve tried keeping in contact and arranging things (pre-lockdown) but nobody seemed interested anymore and I felt like I was bothering people.
My DH is wonderful, he loves me so much, so I know I’m unloveable. I’m kind and generous and not overbearing or too loud/too quiet.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that people, for whatever reason, just don’t ‘like’ me. I’m at a complete loss as to what to do about it but I know it hurts. It’s really not nice feeling like you’re invisible and the whole world is just passing you by.

*not unloveable

Did you approach your SC to hug and greet them? Offer drinks and ask how they were/what they’ve been up to?

The way you’ve written it makes it sound like you just sat there waiting for them to initiate things.

Nobody likes me either. I’ve never had any friends. No idea why - there’s obviously something wrong with me. I’m 40 and I just accept it now. I spend most of my time pottering around by myself.

@GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat
They wouldn’t expect me to offer them drinks, they both live here some of the week and know to help themselves. I said “hiya” when they came in (in a happy, cheery way) and they just headed straight for their dad.

I had a recent revelation about this.... I am similar and have just realised that my in-laws really don’t like me and never have. It was pretty devastating as I e always regarded them well, Make them v welcome, am a good wife to their son etc.

Last week I saw myself on a series of videos... Jesus if looks could kill.... I look and sound to so angry all the time, even in repose, speak in a very monotone way..... I come across as very arrogant and unlikeable!

I’m actually trying to train myself to look more benign without looking like a complete simpleton and I think speaking to family members in zoom helps that a lot. So could it be something like that? Although only you know if this is just step children issue or a general pattern. My mum has always told me I’m intimidating and I’ve never understood why.

@Mawbags
I don’t think I’m intimidating....I’m a palliative care nurse, so I’ve spent many years being kind, understanding, empathetic, softly spoken etc and I feel I’m like that in general life, not just at work.

@sneakyblinder

Gosh, you sound really nice & come across as the total opposite to me then!

Have you asked your partner what’s going on with your step kids? Or asked anybody who knows you IRL?

I wonder whether your 2 SC are going through the me me me phase that some youngsters seem to have to traverse? Apparently I was really mean to my mum when I was a young teenager though I don't remember it and loved her dearly. Their dismissal of you may be about them and not you. As for your brother and dad - men in our family are hopeless at birthdays and cards and they're not bothered by their own. You are obviously much loved indoors (and by a SC!) so I would pat myself on the back and think what a nice person I must be! Friends can be be a bit meh tbh but close family are there for you regardless. You sound lovely to me so please don't beat yourself up over this as it really might not be anything to do with you

My DH says he hasn’t noticed them being like that he seems to think that I’m just overly sensitive but I don’t think I am. I generally have quite a thick skin but I know when I’m being ignored. I don’t want to upset my SC and confront them about it but I just hate the awkward atmosphere.

@lifestooshort123
Thankyou

It could be something to do with SC's mother. When I was growing up I would be grilled as soon as I got back from seeing my dad, there were questions about 'she' which after my answers were met with awkwardness, nasty looks, silence or spiteful comments. I found it easier in the end to stop interacting with DSM. It all changed again when I grew up though.

You sound nice OP, sorry to hear you are having such an awful time - especially on your recent birthday.

How can he not notice them ignoring your greetings at the very least?!

I think you sound nice too!

I’m one of those people though that others don’t make an effort with. My mil has a completely different tone of voice when talking to her other children’s spouses than she does with me - so genuinely friendly with them and ignoring to me.
I also find it incredibly hard to make friends and am not naturally chatty. It does worry me that if my dh ever left me and once my dc’s have flown the nest then I’d be completely alone!

How old are the SC? How long was it since they had been (just wondering if lockdown might have had an effect, it's a particilarly unnatural situation for children/ teenagers.

Is it possible that out of work, you are too gentle or passive?

There is a quiet type that I struggle with where the person gives the briefest response possible, and has a poker face so no body language to get feedback from either. Most quiet people are fine and responsive, but the monosyllable, no feedback type are very, very difficult to get any effective communication from, and I find I minimise interaction because it is such hard work and doesn't seem to be appreciated anyway.

Most "friends" are lifestyle friends, good aquaintences that match where you are in life at the moment. They move on easily. The soul friends, the ones that transcend where you live and what you do are far rarer. It's not the time now, but it's worth joining some kind of club for a hobby that you are interested in as it leads to bonding and more natural friendships.

I wouldn't read too much into your birthday this year. Most people's sense of time and routine is pretty screwed at the moment.

I don't think you sound like a horrible person.

Relationships with stepchildren can be notoriously difficult, your DH should pull them up on this, and it's easy to allow friendships to drift when you're raising children/busy in their jobs etc.

Your dad and brother forgetting your birthday doesn't make you the horrible person. It makes them lazy/forgetful/whatever. Maybe get in touch with them and say "hey thanks for the birthday wishes!!" and see what they say.

I wondered if it might be something the number has said too. Is the stepchild you have living with you the other step children’s full sibling? If so could it upset/annoy the mother that you get in well with him and she doesn’t? It might make her go out of her way to prove to the other children that she’s better than you, and maybe put you down at every opportunity.

I think you should just carry on as you are. You sound a lovely.

Thanks so much everyone, you’ve honestly made me feel so much better. My SC are 18, 16 and 13. The 16 yo I get on great with (he lives with us) it’s the 18 yo dsd and 13 yo dss that I seem to struggle with. I was a stepchild from the age of 10 so I know it can be difficult and I agree, they probably hear their DM speaking unfavourably about me. I’ve always tried to my best to treat them all fairly. I make sure they have time with their dad without me, I go out of my way to make birthdays/Xmas special. I cook their favourite meals and decorated all their bedrooms how they wanted them. I always wanted this to be their home too, not just ‘a place they see dad’.
I’m feeling worn out by it all tbh. I feel like I’m giving and giving and getting nothing back.

I’m not a push over by any stretch. I’ll call them out if they do something wrong but punishments etc are left for their dad to give. I have a few ‘house rules’ but nothing OTT.

I don't think many people like me either. Realised after 20 years that probably only my FIL likes me out of the in laws. No great loss, but like the OP I have been supportive in crises, never forgotten birthdays and always been the prompt behind my OP's family gestures. It goes wider than in laws too .. I have no answer OP... I've been coming to terms slowly and trying to stop investing my time and efforts in others who don't care .

My reply makes absolutely no sense, sorry. It should say Mother, not number