How can I not waste my life away?

[boxpo]

I'm going to sound a tad dramatic but I'm mid-20's and I have nothing to show for it. I have a strained marriage and two young children, never been to uni but in a job that I don't want to do forever and I need someone to give me advice, as I'm terrified of being very old and regretting everything. I have no money at all and I just feel like it's already set up to be a waste. Please can someone tell me how to not waste my life? I feel very down just now and need any advice my biggest fear is regretting my life.

Don't focus on what you haven't got. Think about where you want to be/what you want to do and then set goals to get yourself closer to that.

Could you retrain first a job you would enjoy? Is the marriage salvageable?
I think lockdown has made a lot of people reflect and see they need change.

Deep breath. You're in a great position. You're definitely young enough to put changes in place. What do you want to do. What does a happier you look like, when you think about it?

I want to be a nurse but it seems impossible. I live rural Scotland, husband refuses to move anywhere and the nearest uni is two hours away so I can't feasibly see how I'd do placements, plus he doesn't work so the income is dependent on me.

I think it’s time your DH faced some harsh truths here, you’re the breadwinner and potential to have a good career.
Changes need to be made to better the prospects for your family.
Why does he not work?

@JKScot4 well, he has an auto-immune condition which does cause him pain but he doesn't take his medication. The doctor/government do not think he's too unwell to work but he does get standard PIP (about £238 a month).

I’m sorry but he sounds very selfish, chooses not to take medication, chooses not to work, won’t relocate.
Tbf if I was you I’d apply to uni, take the kids and go.

Do you want to relocate? If you've never been to uni before will you have to do an access course beforehand, and can that be done online? That might give you a year to see if you like the work, work on building up your financial reserves if you can, and look at areas of the country that would work for you as a family.

Personally, I've been held back by a partner in the past and it's caused nothing but resentment. That'll kill the relationship in the end anyway. If your DP won't work with you to the betterment of you and the whole family, I'd ditch him.

Although when making decisions everyone needs a say to some degree but it sounds like he’s holding you back. And it’s probably making you miserable and Will ended up causing resentment. Does he pull his weight with the kids?

Honestly - you are allowed to end your relationship because your life together is unhappy. You don't want to feel the same in a decade. Go and do your nurse training.

First off, you haven’t done nothing, you are only mid 20’s and have 2 children- that’s massive. Now it’s time for the next stage in your life. If nursing is your aim then work out a list of what you need to do and get together an action plan. Your dh will have to fall in with you, he would be very small minded and selfish not to. Be determined.

Why does he get to dictate where you live? Surely that's a joint decision?

I am very excited for you OP because discontent is the necessary chrysalis/ driving force/ engine for change!

Without motivation or spark you will go nowhere/ stay static. So this is your opportunity and you need to take action ( posting this is your first step on your new path. Don't let your dh hold you back, disengage from his negatively as if you let him hold you back your resentment with cause you to seethe which will cause ulcers and kill your relationship dead. So just carry on and do not let him influence you as you know you making the most of your life will benefit your DC ( and him if he wants to come along for the ride).

Look into NHS bursaries and choose a profession from the ones which can train and study you for free as you are low income so you will get a full one plus childcare.

Your dh cannot hold you back from relocating and with a full NHS bursary you will be able to move closer to the uni of your choice.

I know plenty of women who are doing just that and universities welcome mature students so please look into your options.

The other area is carework where you have the opportunity to study part time, either way, your local college will have details of courses.

You cannot help your dh but you can, by example, provide a shining beacon of hope to him and your DC by pursuing a much more positive path. Plenty of people initiate new career changes at different stages in their lives, be flexible about where, what and how and don't let anyone hold you back.

It will be the best thing you have ever done. Don't expend any energy fighting your dh over this just go ahead with it and he can either go along with it with good grace and be supportive or he can go along with it and be negative.

Either way do it and good luck and let us know what you choose to do!

@Prettyvase great post

@Prettyvase Spot on! Love that positivity.

Is it possible your DH chronic pain is making his mindset very fixed? Tell him you really want to do this and put a plan in place that gives him some time to get used to things. Make it real by showing him places and houses and courses. If he won't come I think you should go to build that great life you're clearly so excited about. (Though allied health professions might be better than nursing if your DH doesn't come and you're relying on childcare).

Love @prettyvase's post!

Being a Mum is a tough job and you're doing so well already by holding onto a job. You're never too old and it's never too in late to change the direction your life. Taking charge now is brilliant!

Things you can start doing now that will make a difference to your life and overall happiness:
1 Education: use Seneca Learning website, YouTube, Ted Talks, BBC documentaries
2 Hobbies: cooking, baking, sewing, knitting, crotchet, painting, reading, running, walking, Pilates, YouTube for exercise videos
3 Daily exercise: as above in hobbies
You can involve your children in this or try it out on your own
4 Take care of yourself- you are your own most important investment, take time to relax, learn, do your hobbies, sleep and eat enough- don't feel guilty for any of this

Things to plan to create a better future:
1 Look into getting a second job or a new main job or both
2 Read the earn £10 a day threads here
3 Use the money saving expert website, the forums are good and they'll give ideas on how to save
4 Save money- easily said than done, this will take time
5 Research locations you can move to, be prepared to move more than once in the future for university and work, also look into nearby schools for your children
6 Talk to Women's Aid, CAB, Gingerbread
7 Be prepared to leave your partner and start over elsewhere- for this look into older getting your ducks in a row threads
8 Look into what qualifications you need to become a nurse and where you could study it
9 Make a list or vision board of what you think success looks like or what you want in your life so you know what you're working towards

If your marriage is already strained there is no sense in holding yourself back from the career you want in order to keep your husband happy. Your husband is quite willing to make selfish decisions that fulfill his own needs and don’t make you happy. Why shouldn’t you? If you don’t have the chance to go to university and become a nurse you’re likely to resent him and the marriage will end anyway. And given that your husband doesn’t work, and you have a low paid unsatisfying job with no prospects, living in rural Scotland is a luxury you can’t afford.

Find out what are your options, financially, and then tell him it’s ultimatum time. Either he lives his unemployed and broke dream in rural Scotland on his own, or he moves with you and takes some responsibility for his health.

In your circumstances the first thing i would consider would be my marriage. If it is strained, your husband is refusing to move to support your career, and he is not taking care of his health then I would be starting to look at whether it was sustainable in the long term.

life is too short to be stuck with someone who doesn't consider your goals and ambition.