DC contact with exMIL when exH is no-contact with her

[rvby]

Interested in others' views. The question is, should I and my DC have occasional Skype calls with my ex-MIL, who my ex is NC with?

Backstory:

• We live overseas away from family
• After a scary birth, baby in SCBU, my then-H text our families to say we were safe and baby was born. My MIL took exception to being texted. She wanted a call.
• Then-H exploded at this and, since then, has not spoken to anyone in his family. So... 8 years.
• I was very sad about all this. I felt isolated and my ex def preferred it this way - he was an isolator throughout our rs.
• After going NC he started to talk about how his parents had abused him. His examples never made sense to me - his parents seemed ordinary to me, especially compared to my awful parents. But ultimately not up to me to define that. My ex has form for this. A relationship fractures, and he starts saying that the other person was abusive/out to get him the whole time, having never mentioned this before.
• Anyway we then split. (My ex now has a similar story that this was because I abused him - i didn't - he was controlling, i wasn't allowed to go to church, not allowed a car, wanted me to give up work, alienated my friends, etc. etc.)
• Years after the divorce I got back in touch with my exSIL who I have always been friendly with. She's a sweet person who misses her DB. I text with her every so often.
• I have had one video call with exSIL and exMIL, including my DC who chatted with them and doesn't know who they are beyond "friends". It was fine.
• Now ExSIL has asked me if I would allow my DS to have contact with MIL separately, every so often. Via Skype or similar. Me, DS and MIL - not DS by himself or anything.

I'm weighing this up a bit because I want to make the best choice for my DS.

My ex would be furious, probably, if he ever found out.
My DS probably doesn't give much of a fuck, he's fine as he is.
Skype calls are pretty low risk.
My MIL isn't a bad person, she's just a person. She's not perfect but she's not terrible.
Not sure I would be able to tell my DS "this is your GM" because he will probably tell my ex and that will cause issues for me.

Thoughts? WWYD? I think my struggle is balancing "DS's DF isolates people he loves, I will remove that as much as I can" vs. "not my circus, not my monkeys".

I kept contact with EX Mil.

Despite Ex going ballistic (apparently it was disrespectful to OW) I continued and the kids now keep in touch with her themselves. Similar circumstances to yours. We were never particularly close but she loves her grandchildren and Ex would be quite happy to punish her by refusing contact. For us, it was the right thing to do.

Dies she send them birthday cards?

You don't have to be loyal to your ex for a start, you're no longer married. DS is her grandchild, she's lost her son, very hard on her to lose her grandchild too.

In your case yes I think I would.

How old is your DS now? How much does he see of his dad?

I think your child having a relationship with his grandma is more important than upsetting his cock of a dad.

@ButteryPuffin he is 8 and is with dad 50% of the time.

If this were the other way around the answers would be very different. I'm afraid regardless of what you think of the situation it's your ex's decision to make.

I'm also concerned about the affect on DS relationship with his dad... I wouldn't be able to answer questions about the woman he is talking to, without making his dad sound like a massive arse.

Ex is an arse in many ways, but he is a good dad and does his best with DS. Its early in DS life for him to realize his dad's shortcomings iyswim...

Wondering if I should suggest sending exmil email updates re DS for a while. And perhaps having calls with her on my own. Before agreeing to anything beyond that...

I think it's inappropriate to have contact at all if that's against your ex's wishes.

A difficult one but I don't think I would. If your DS is happy why cause problems? It's a situation that could easily spiral into him having to lie to his dad, or his dad getting angry and your DS being unhappy.
Consider how you'd feel if it was the other way round.

You are not accountable to him.
You can make your own judgment on her character and decide what relationship your son has with her on your time.

Consider how you'd feel if it was the other way round. Actually, my ex is in contact with my sister, who cut me off when I divorced... I think my sister sends my DS birthday presents and so on to my ex. He hosts them on visits... likes to rub my nose in it a bit.

I sort of forgot about that bit, lol.

Do I really want to be like my ex. On the other end, I'd never rub my ex's nose in it, and my sister cut me off, I didn't cut my sister off. I suppose not directly comparable.

I wouldn't. You say it wouldn't benefit DS and could potentially cause him harm either because genuinely is a bad egg (she raised a son who became an abusive partner after all) and through putting DS in the position of directly going against his father's wishes.

It sounds like you are spoiling for a fight. Why else would you contact his sister and mother? Take your llama out to a different drama club.

Tork, please relax, I'm probably not going to allow contact. I'm just looking for a place to talk about the situation to make sure first. My ex cut off so many people from my life and it's hard sometimes.

I'm in contact with my exSIL because she has always been a good friend to me. I was forced to go NC with her by my ex and it was a huge loss. THat's not spoiling for a fight, it's picking up the pieces of my life after a shit marriage

Going back and picking up the broken pieces that involve his family is not a healthy behaviour. Let the past lie sleeping or you end up back in dramatic situations. It can he hard to let go of the emotional rollercoaster of an abusive relationship. Build a new future with new people. Don't invite the old pain back in.

My ex is NC with his dad and step mum and I still take my DS to see them. Why should they miss out on my son growing up just because his dad is an a-hole? DS deserves a relationship with any family member that will love him, imo as a parent it's my job to facilitate that

@TeddyBeans does your ex know you take him?

Yep. His exact words to my mum when she mentioned it was 'Good. Now I don't have to bother'