18 year old niece living with us

[CharDee]

For a bit of background my 18 year old niece came to stay with us before Christmas and she decided to have a break and leave college until next September. We’ve told her she’s welcome to stay with us as long as she wants. She ended up getting a job and started to pay “rent” of £100 a month which I have just been putting in savings for her. She is still working but only part time at the moment.

She’s had a bit of a rough time recently and me and DH have just tried our best to make her feel welcome. My sister (her mum) isn’t too happy that she has decided to stay with us for so long but it’s entirely up to her and we’ve just been going along with what she wants.

She has her own room here but with lockdown I’ve been worried that she hasn’t got enough of her own space. We’re really lucky that the previous owners of our house made the garage and outhouse in to a bit of a granny flat. There is space in there for a double bed, bedroom furniture, a tv, a little desk and a 2 seater couch. It also has an ensuite with a shower and it’s own front door with just a normal door in to the kitchen. DH has been using it as his office but suggested yesterday that we decorate it and let our niece move in there. He would then move his office in to the spare bedroom where there is space for his desk, another desk for if his colleague comes over and a little couch. He did have plans for the garage to make it in to more of a games room type thing but he said that he’d rather she use it for now.

I think it’s a good idea but I don’t want to overstep. DH mentioned her living here (and us two ganging up on him)the other week and she responded positively by saying she didn’t realise she properly lived here and it was cool.
We had a little chat about her future before lockdown and she said she wasn’t sure if she wanted to go back to college and she wanted to maybe do an apprenticeship or work for a year then do an access course to get in to uni if she still wanted to go. But everything is a bit up in the air at the moment so we can’t really plan properly.

I want to make sure she feels like she can have a home with us but don’t want to cause more problems with her mum or dad. She has 2 younger sisters and had the smallest room at her mums and couldn’t have friends over because of space. At her dads she had her own room but when her dad had another baby she was moved to the smaller room as she was 16 and "didn’t need" the bigger room anymore. I don’t want it to seem like we are taking over. We’re really lucky to have all this extra space and I don’t want my sister to feel like I’m bragging or trying to take over as her mum. I also don’t want my niece to think we’re trying to parent her and treat her like a kid.

Does it sound like we’re taking over / over stepping or anything like that at all?

I didn't think about council tax, the garage is attached to the house and the previous owner knocked the back wall down and joined it to the outhouse to make it one room. I think it was supposed to be for his elderly parents to move in but then he rented it out and the tenants disabled son used it as a bedroom. When it was on Rightmove the floor plan said it was bedroom 4 / office. I think that would mean it's ok to use it as a bedroom?

Before lockdown she would go to her mums once or twice a week and they would come here too. Some weeks we'd just have my other nieces over and they'd stay the night. She visited her dad usually on Sunday morning and they'd have brunch at her grandmas house and then she would go to my mums in the afternoon with the whole family for Sunday lunch.

She spoke to my sister last night and said she had been looking at house shares for after lockdown and then said that me and her had an idea about staying and that she wanted to. My sister called and asked if it was really ok or if I just felt like I had to offer and I just said I offered because I want to and think at least until she starts back at college or decides what she wants to do she should stay. She seemed ok with it and said that she can't wait to come and see when it's all done. She warned me that she might try to put up geeky posters and then said "Oh I forgot who I was talking to, you probably have all the geeky posters she could ever want in your house." She used to joke about how me and DH were going to turn niece in to a 'geek' so she seemed to be in good spirits about it.

That's about the best result you could have expected from your sister. Hopefully she does mean what she said and is happy for her dd to have her own space at your house.

Thinking about it this probably feels safer than her dd getting her own place with friends. She is thinking along the lines of you keeping an eye on her dd.

All these people saying they’d be upset. Are you really all so spiteful that you’d begrudge the children’s aunty providing this for them?

I think you sound lovely, an amazing aunt and very selfless.

The one thing I'd be trying to do is arrange something casual with your sister and niece, maybe a coffee & cake date (obviously when lockdown is over) to see if bridges can be mended?

We’re really lucky to have all this extra space And your niece is lucky to have you. It's a lovely gesture, and as an adult I am sure she will be happy with the extra room!

From a parent's perspective I would be wondering what I did wrong and why my DD didn't want to be at home, with me. I would however be extremely grateful and happy that she had you. You sound lovely and what you are doing for your niece is fabulous. My own feelings would be there but the protective nature to ensure my DD was safe and happy would over ride that. I do think you are doing something quite special and if I was her mum I would have to appreciate she had you.

I've just revoked my offer (only lightheartedly)

We were planning this afternoon whilst drinking a few beers and I went up and got DH's old overalls which we both put on. We had a few more beers and decided to test how soundproof the garage was by playing music and dancing.

It turns out it's not that soundproof as DH heard it all and she sneakily took a video of me dancing and singing in the overalls which she uploaded on to Facebook

I'm already planning to get her back. I love the office and she has watched it with me since moving in. I'm going to get her keys tomorrow and attempt to put them in jelly. We'll see how it goes!

If you want to put the keys in jelly, you’ll probably want to add extra gelatine (or make the crystals up with less water) do part, allow to set in the bowl, then put the keys onto already set jelly and add second layer

Watch her and your dh don't end up as mum and dad to your ds how would you feel someone else playing mum to your child.
I agree you are doing a nice thing for her but it's not fair on her parents that can't give her what you can.

You sound like a lovely aunt and I wish I had had someone like you when I was your niece's age.

The keys in jelly idea is perfect! Just be prepared to find your stapler -and phone and probably dh- in retaliatory jelly

Thanks for the tip! DH is going to go to Asda in the morning so I'll make sure he knows what to buy.

I very much doubt that DH and niece will end up mum and dad to DS. Why would you think that would happen? What an odd thing to say.

I'm just trying to get you to view it from your sisters point of view how would you like if your son choose someone else over you.
You should have let her do a house share
But say she was always welcome in your house.

Sounds like a fab plan OP. My mum was also a collector of people (though we didn’t actually have space!) and I hope to have the same kind of household. We’re too precious about the nuclear family in this country, there’s so much benefit to opening ourselves up to the wider family in ways like this. Your niece is very lucky.

Your niece is an adult so it doesn’t matter what her mum thinks! You sound great, I have auntie just like you and I used to stay with her a lot as a teenager.

Just stopped by to say nice username 😁

I think it's lovely. But I'd talk to your sister first. Clear the air.

Does it sound like we’re taking over / over stepping or anything like that at all?

Absolutely you are. And you're preventing her and her mother from resolving what went wrong between them.

I can't believe that so many people are encouraging you here. You have almost totally taken your sisters daughter as your own. She and you have taken advantage of her mum's mistake to pretty much adopt her. How do you think her sisters feel? How world you feel if you reacted badly to something that happened with your son, and he moved out and was basically given a flat in your sisters home?

I'm sorry, but you need to facilitate your niece and her mother resolving the issue and mending their relationship. At the moment you're putting your role as rescuer before what's good for them both.

You're loving being the better sister and your niece is loving the attention. Just stop for a minute and put yourself in her mother and her sisters' position.

@Andi2020 Perhaps you should the part where the niece's mum is happy about the arrangement.

You have almost totally taken your sisters daughter as your own

Children aren’t property. The niece has CHOSEN to live there.

@saraclara Absolutely you are. And you're preventing her and her mother from resolving what went wrong between them

perhaps you too could read where op said the niece's mum is happy with their arrangement before you pile on the op.

She and you have taken advantage of her mum's mistake to pretty much adopt her. Can you actually adopt an adult??

Stop being dramatic and read op's posts.

Ah. Scrolled too fast past your update. If your sister is genuinely okay with it, then...
Just be careful not to work too hard at being 'perfect auntie', to your sisters 'flawed mother'.

Is there room for a small kitchenette? She'd be be more independent if she has to buy her own food and cook it, which would prepare her for when she moves on. Perhaps increase her rent slightly to cover the upgrade in the facilities on offer.

I told her we had space for her and it was up to her but she said she didn't want to leave us and she feels at home for the first time ever but she doesn't want to feel like a burden to us.

I've told her that she is welcome for as long as she wants and we'll support her. I'm saving her money so that if she does want to move our at least she'll have some extra to help. I've told her how much fun I had when I moved out at her age but also the negative side of things! I honestly don't think she's old enough to move out yet but would help her whichever way I could. She has never cooked before (apart from basics) so she has been helping us with meals and learning how to cook.

If there was a reason for DS to leave and get support that I couldn't give him then I would of course be upset. But if it was because I had treated him badly for years, ignored him, argued with him over every small thing, openly favoured other children and babied him then I wouldn't be surprised.

My sister and I used to have a difficult relationship, she is partly to blame for me developing an eating disorder, she was controlling, would treat me like absolute crap and she would treat me like her kid That's a completely different thread though. We have made up for the most part but I suppose I am protective of my niece as we are so similar and I can see her treating her the way she did me. My sister was popular, pretty, in to fashion and quite high maintenance where as I was never popular in school, didn't care about how I looked and was more of a geek! My sister has told my niece on several occasions that she isn't pretty enough, doesn't have enough friends, has ugly friends etc and I have usually stayed out of it but the way she screamed at her for getting sexually abused wasn't something I could just watch so I made sure my niece had someone else to count on. I've told my sister all of this and I think she realises now what she was doing. She seems determined to make sure she doesn't do the same with her other two daughters though and she told me she was thinking about counselling because she can see she has some controlling tendencies and wants to avoid making mistakes.

My niece seems to be doing so much better since moving here. She has more confidence, we let her be independent and not expect her to give detailed accounts of where she'd been every day, she has gone out and got a job and is seriously considering options for the future instead of just being told that she has to do this and that and she isn't used as a babysitter most weekends. We're letting her be an adult which appears to be new to her.

@CharDeeMacDennis electric boogaloo!