If you were bullied, does it affect you today?

[pearl24]

I was bullied at school and it's affected me ever since and probably always will. I was told I look like a man by a boy, who got others to join in. I'll never forget a boy walking past me when boys were told to leave the classroom for lunch. He said 'why don't you lead the way?'

As a result I'll always feel ugly. And unfeminine. They were only around 13/14 when they did this but I hate them even today. I've seen their profiles on Facebook, they have wives and children now. I wonder how they would feel if their children were treated like that, or what their wives would think about their bullying past.

Bullies are the scum of the earth and I'll never understand why people want to upset others. It's never even entered my mind to bully someone.

I was bullied terribly by a group of girls at secondary school. It started for absolutely no reason, it was like the ringleader woke up one day and just locked onto me. I was attacked physically and verbally repeatedly; one even set fire to my hair in the lunch queue. One day the main girl tried to lure me outside via another girl and when I refused to go, she charged into the lunch hall and kicked seven shades of shit out of me while I sat looking over a friend's homework. My mum picked me up and drove me straight over to the girl's house, where her mum took one look at my burst nose and broken glasses and proclaimed that I'd obviously provoked her darling girl. I hadn't seen the girl for weeks! It was completely out of the blue.

It went on for more than two years and only ended when the ringleader got pregnant and left school. I was too scared to get the school bus with them so I walked the 2 miles there and back by myself come rain or shine, I wouldn't even leave my house to go to the local shop in case I saw them and my hair started falling out with the stress. I comfort ate and went from a size 10 to a 16 in that time, which fuelled their jeers in the corridor.

To be honest, after I left school I never thought about how it affected me. I just pushed it all down and locked it away. I'm now 30 (next week!) and I recently found out that the ringleader is the long-term partner of my brother's soon to be BIL. I've felt deeply unsettled since I heard this news and I'm absolutely dreading my brother's wedding next year because I know she will be there.

I found her on Facebook recently and going by her posts, she's still as rough and aggressive as she was 15 years ago. Call me judgemental if you want but she was a fucking horrible person back there and it doesn't look like she has grown up at all. Still threatening to "kick fuck out of" people all over social media if they dare look at her kids the wrong way.

Yes, I'm Irish . Massive anxieties.

Yep. I wanted to join the netball team. Turned up to practice and got ‘Why is she here?’.
I was good at netball so it was just the fact it was me. Lovely.

I just remembered that towards the end of school a couple of them suddenly tried to befriend me. Then I realised they fancied my older brother or one of his mates.

I had a horrible time in the junior school and I have never felt like I belonged since then. I am hugely anxious. Maybe I would have been anxious anyway but I still think about it. I have horrible memories and it was 40 years ago.

I'm very much someone who will fight the corner of the outsider and am very much want justice and fairness.

My anxiety has increased as my oldest is about to start secondary school. As an undiagnosed autistic girl I was generally othered and treated as other people's butt monkey. People would fight to avoid being with me. But as an introvert I could tolerate that. It was people who were happy when they could avoid me that was depressing.

Boys viewed me as an object of curiosity and derision but were stunned when I rejected them as if I should be grateful for any attension. What got me was the incredulity when I was planning post 18 life when I put a 50 mile exclusion radius around my home town, like they were amazed I wouldn't miss them??!?

Yes. At school, and then into adulthood I had different men (randomised in the street etc), make fun of the fact I'm ugly etc. I've been made fun of how I'm weird (I'm autistic and can mask pretty well now but had zero filters as a child so was bullied constantly and was extremely lonely growing up). I spent most of my adult life horrendously insecure and with massive social anxiety and anxiety over men. Now, one of the only reasons I have confidence in just being myself are my beloved children. They love me for me and that's all I need to feel happy.

Yes, i was bullied for years. I took so much time off school that I didn't do well in exams and am now in a job that doesn't pay much, with no progression.
I found a new group of friends and was so desperate to fit in, I drank a good chunk of my teens away and ended up pregnant at 17.
I had absolutely no self confidence. Developed an eating disorder, which still rears its ugly head from time to time when I'm feeling insecure.
Although I will say, I don't take shit from anyone now, and I'm very strong minded and independent. Although I'm still not very confident, but put on a good show.
I am a very empathetic person now. Infact I think I empathise a bit too much sometimes.

It made me very determined to relocate somewhere else as an adult. When I did live back in my home town after university I avoided any contact with people I used to know. I think I even resented people in the area in general because of my bad memories.

I'm glad I got the chance to move and I can now do things like take my child to toddler groups and interact with people without feeling hostile towards them. I feel for people who were bullied and have to live amongst their tormentors as adults.

It wasn't called bullying back in the day, but I was ridiculed for wearing glasses, being clever, playing the violin etc. I hated some of my classes at high school, but my mother wouldn't go up to school about it as she didn't want to "make a fuss".

Nowadays I see some of my tormentors and smirk quietly inside and how their lives have turned out.

Although, I think it has shaped how I brought my children up. At every parents night I've ever been to since my oldest was about 7, the teachers tell me what a lovely boy he is. A bit cheeky, and can be a bit of a trouble maker (no shock to me) but that he is always sticking up for the "underdogs" in the class. There are 2 boys in his class with autism and he stays in with them a lot at break times when they don't feel like going out, he is always backing them up if people are being mean (has actually got himself into a couple of fights because of this, and not just in school) and generally just takes it upon himself to be a protector of the quiter kids in the class 😂. I couldn't be prouder.

It’s a funny one really because I was and it stayed with me for a long time until suddenly ... it had gone... I don’t know why or how but I’ve let go and have no interest in getting upset about it now.

The only thing I think about is that I won’t let that happen to my children. If they are as unhappy as I was I’ll pull them out of their schools. We’ll find another one (fine to pay for it) or I’ll homeschool or whatever it takes.

I was bullied from year 3 right through to year 11 (with the death of my Grandfather who raised me when I was in year 9). It did affect me for a long time yes, mainly how I viewed myself and had convinced myself I wasn’t worthy of help or love - but a big chunk of that was tied to a very difficult childhood at home as well.

On the bullying side, I decided to write down what I would say if had been ballsy enough at the time to those who would verbally attack the moment they saw me. That seemed to help. But as a PP said. One day it just stopped bothering me as much. Moving to my own place and starting my life away from where I grew up helped a lot I have to admit

Yes I was bullied; everyone was bullied. Some significantly more severely than others.

I haven’t let it affect my life; I don’t think you need to let yourself become a victim of it for years after.

Of course you cannot go back and change what happened, but you can change how it affects you now and work so it doesn’t.

For me, it led directly to a lifelong eating disorder and a conviction that I was ugly and unlovable. Like a pp, boys used to pretend to chat me up as a dare or a joke, so now if any man shows an interest in me, I don't believe that they're genuine and I'm really "off" with them until I've scared them away. I've only had one relationship in my life, at university, and I'm 41 now.

But obviously I've chosen to be this way according to heartsonacake

I was bullied.

I was too stupid and weak to deal with it and still am.

Hence I have allowed it to make my life shit.

I was bullied by one girl in particular when I changed high schools in the third year (year 9).

She was vile to me, she took the piss out of my hair (naturally curly and a bit wild), my shoes, my school bag, the way I spoke, she was just a complete and utter bitch to me.

One particular day she’d been calling me names all day and encouraging other people to do the same, and I snapped and punched her square in the face and told her if she so much as looked at me in the wrong way she’d get more of the same but ten time’s as bad.

She never came near me after that.

Heartsonacake: there’s a big difference between a short term horrible ”left out”, or being teased or kids being rotten, and full on years of constant name-calling, social exclusion, violence, etc. The former is “what everyone suffers” (which doesn’t make it OK), the latter is different league.

If all of your peers mocked you, beat you up, excluded you, or just plain ignored you for YEARS of your childhood then of course it will have an impact.
Yes, possible to “get over it”, but deeply naive to imagine it’s not had an effect on people.

Yes I was. I was quiet and had a condition that made me stand out. School years were horrific. People treated me like a leper. I had very few friends who had no loyalty to me as no one wanted to be seen with me and at the time I thought that they were right to be so ambivalent towards me. My mental health in adulthood has been a shit show.
It has taken me a very long time to even begin to question if the 'friends' I had were 'right' to exclude me when it suited them or if those who bullied me were 'right' to be so mean. No one deserves treatment like that. My kids have been at the receiving end of various degrees of meanness at school, I am not naive to think that they will go through school without my experiences. At the end of the day I tell them that no one outside of us can define our worth. I wish I had learnt that when I was young rather than thinking it was all my fault and that I deserved to be excluded.

@Fromage, 'I was too stupid and weak to deal with it and still am.' That's just not true...You are dealing with it in your own way and that makes it perfectly ok. There is no 'right' way to handle others treating you like shit. Most of us just survive it any way we can.

A little bit. I'm the organiser in my group of friends. I think it stems from a time in high school where I would often find out that things had been organised and I wasn't invited. Being the organiser means that you can't be the one left out...

The girl who got her older mates to follow me home pretending that they were going to kick my head in has a child, a close support network, good job, great education... I have no friends, no relationships, can't afford to have children, crap jobs, dropped out of university...

By the 'and the bullies got the crap lives they deserved lol' logic, I deserved to be bullied and the universe is rewarding her for a job well done, which is clearly rubbish. Plenty of people who're arseholes as teenagers have great lives as adults and being bullied doesn't entitle you to a great adult life.

In terms of friends it meant that I set the barrier for friends rather low at University and tended to get used a lot. I'm not in contact with people at University that I thought I would because I was seen as the strong one and the organizer. It was shocking to find out that some people I thought were friends saw me with contempt and struggle to put together the life I have now versus what they THINK I should have.
I cut off people who never made an effort to contact me since some of my ex-friends don't know that phones work both ways.

I am rather cynical and have never made an effort to be popular but try extra hard to not be a dick in real life. The odd thing is is that I suspect some people think I am a bully since I am rather plain speaking and don't sugarcoat things.

For me, school at least gave me an insight into how viscous and stupid people can behave en mass from a very early age and made me less afraid to be independant. I planned my exit from my hometown from yr7 onwards. It means that however crappy at times my adult life has been I can rejoice in the fact I'm not at school.

I was bullied utterly relentlessly, mainly because I have ginger hair. I have been insecure in friendships ever since. I married someone totally unsuitable the first time, because I was so grateful someone wanted me and didn't think anyone would. Luckily, I'm now married to someone perfect for me, and I'm much more secure in my friendships. It's taken a long time and a lot of work. Oh, and now I'm always hearing how lovely my hair is - except I heard from when I was very young how horrible my hair is. I'm pregnant and one wish for my child is literally any other hair colour. Ginger hair is just a ticket to automatic misery, and not taken seriously by teachers or anyone else.

I was bullied by a couple of girls at primary school. It made me feel very vulnerable when I started secondary school, and as a result, I was an easy target for further bullying. As an adult I have always found it hard to believe that people can like me and have expected them to then on me. As a result, I have struggled to let people get close to me and don’t have many friends.

I was never outright bullied, in the way that some people are. I didn't have to take measures to avoid groups of people like some of you had to.

But looking back, there are times that I was essentially bullied and outcast and I remember to this day. Throughout primary school, I was bright and confident. And then one day in a lesson, I was sat with a group of other children at a table. Most of the other children in this class usually never wanted to read aloud. So when the teacher passed us a sheet of paper and asked for us to read it aloud by reading a paragraph each and passing it on, I automatically picked it up and began reading. One of the girls snatched it out of my hand and said 'no, you're not reading it, you always read everything'. She then began reading and when the teacher wanted our attention and the activity was finished, everyone had had a chance to read but me. The look on the girls' faces was so maliciously triumpant, I'll never forget it. I asked to go to the toilet and cried in there for about half an hour. No one seemed to know or cared.

I quickly lost my confidence after this and became the 'quiet' one in secondary school. There were so many other girls who were loud and confident, I just pretended to be naturally quiet and became that way. I had a group of friends from year 7 to year 9. I remember we were having a sleepover at one of the girls' houses. We had all bought new pyjamas. The loudest and kind of leader of the group who (looking back) often did silly/nasty things to one of us at a time, squirted a tube of foundation all over my new pyjamas. I should have left the sleepover. But I didn't. I stayed, in the stained pyjamas.

Another incident that really stands out and hurts still: I was with this group of friends at lunchtime and we were all sat outside on the floor. A group of nasty girls in the year above us were hanging around near us, probably making jokes about us. One of them chucked a full bottle of coke at us at full pelt and it whacked me on the head. It really hurt and I wanted to cry. The other girls must have been relieved that it hadn't happened to them. It was humiliating and I should have done something about it.

As I said, I wasn't persistently bullied. But, I never fitted it, never felt like I had any friends who truly cared about me. I flitted from one friendship group to the next, never being wanted in any of them. I became someone that I'm not and felt so lonely. I lack confidence now and I know a lot of it is because of school. You couldn't pay me to step one foot back in that building.