Disclaimer: I know so many people have it far worse than me but it still hurts so much that the emotional pain feels physical, causing me to cry continuously, not eat and self-harm (which I haven't done in years)
I'm a female, age 27 (28 next month) with a history of very mild, "high functioning" on-off depression since puberty. On paper, my life looks good - have parents, a sibling, 2 degrees, a partner of 1 year, a respectable job, car, hopefully soon able to buy a home (only a terrace in a quiet town), good at a few sports, and an optimistic cheerful personality but various parts of my life just feel dreadful.
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Partner
He's nearly a decade older than me and is going through a divorce (he met me after he separated from her). He is amazing in so many ways - extremely talented, loyal, kind, generous, honest, tells everyone he is the luckiest man in the world to have me, that he's never met someone so beautiful inside and out, fixes stuff for me, etc. BUT has a very short fuse and will shout at me if he's a bit tired over a tiny random thing or even a gut feeling (so can't pinpoint something I've done (because his low self-esteem makes him think I actively try and hurt him so he lashes out verbally) but he'll go into super-nice mode minutes later. I don't easily lose my temper but once I get shouted at, I seethe on the fight for days, giving him the silent treatment - when he tries to make me come out of silent treatment saying he's sorry, he overreacted, we end up having the row where I cannot let things go - I cannot go to sleep mid-way through a fight (it almost feels traumatizing to me to do so) so I have to resolve it in some way immediately by talking things through - I can't concentrate on other tasks. This mechanism I revert to has caused me immense pain the last few weeks of having to hold painful grudges and then argue back to defend myself as I get really hurt being shouted at (esp as the trigger is often something minor and completely random each time). He tells me it's not personal and it's way his depression manifests and he only gets angry at others when he's actually angry at himself. It got so much once, I feebly attempted to self-harm in the middle of the night in another room. He came in, accused me of staging it, snatched it away in shock and then angrily said he'd kill me with it if I dare do anything like that again. He has since apologized and said he said it in haste reflex as he thought I did it to guilt him. I don't know what to do. The good times with him are better than with anyone else but the lows with him are awful as we're both neurotic, can't let things go and view things through a negative lens.
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Friends
In the last decade, I've only had 1 real close friend - though he lives in the opposite side of UK for the last 5 years- I've known him for nearly 10 years, we've been on holiday together and we chat once a month on whatsapp. However, since he got married, he has never initiated conversion, didn't wish me happy new year (which he never forgets) and hasn't even once checked to see how I am during this covid crisis. No fight, no drama - just moved onto the next chapter in life I guess. He'll respond when I initiate and he insists he's just been busy (for nearly a year now..). He was the only one there for me through break-ups with partners, etc. so I just feel pained I'm out of his mind now.
So the only person I have that texts me regularly is my mum and my partner (as above) and things being on shaky ground with my partner causes me immense pain because of it I feel sad I'm nearly 28, yet my social circle consists of only 2 people. I've had people chat to me in the past but they never last (no fight but just drifting). The only mates that text me are colleagues, for work questions. It does make me feel incredibly vulnerable. I'm always friendly with people but it always ends up being an acquaintance type thing.
So in summary, I want to know how I can stop holding a grudge and move on emotionally? Is everyone having a tight social bubble of parent and partner at my age (27) or does everyone have as many friends as social media suggests?
Just feel utterly depressed and pained.