I can't cope

[DocusDiplo]

I can't cope. I can't do this. I wish I didn't have to. It's too much like a pressure cooker at home. I can't cope. I have noone to help me.

Hello Docusdiplo. Lockdown is just awful. Whose at home with you? What's upsetting you? Is it lessons or just being on top of each other all the time.

It sounds like you're by yourself with the children. Do you have a park nearby? Can you bundle them out take them for a walk if not in the park round the block? Sometimes a change of scene is enough.

Then tonight can you give them something really simple for supper (baked beans on toast for example) and then depending on their age either have a film night in pyjamas or send them to bed and have some peace for yourself?

Im so sorry. I think lots of us feel in a mess at the moment. I keep bursting into tears for no reason whatsoever. We've all just had our normals lives pulled from under our feet with virutally no warning. Its not surprisig lots of us are struggling.

Sad to read this OP.

Maybe we can help - give advice or something.

Who are you living with? Whereabouts are you?

So you have the ability to go for a walk on your own for a short while, just for peace?

I have 5 kids aged 10 and under, and my DH is still out working daily. I understand what you mean when you mentioned a pressure cooker!!!

I think for everyone posting cutesy memes that are more people feeling like this. I agree with above, make things as easy for yourself as possible

Talk to us.

And list every bloody thing in your head, bang it down on here, on paper, wherever.

Or you can just type FUCK THIS SHIT here on the hour every hour and you’ll get consensus and solidarity.

I feel you, I really do. We are having a fucking personal Waterloo behind the scenes here and having to deal with shit in the middle of a fucking pandemic where nothing is certain makes everything 900x more bad

I've just started started a ranty thread and put down all my thoughts. I get you sister

What or who is causing the pressure cooker?

You won't be the only person here feeling like this...get it all off your chest.

Are you having a really BAD day or have you been feeling like this for a long time?
What do you think we can do differently?

Thank you for responding.

My whole entire life is a complete unmanageable mess. I feel helpless and weak to fix it. Very tired of life and struggling. And I don't even know what I'm fighting for, to what end?

I'm worried about my children and letting them down. I'm on 20mg citalopram.

My ex left about 3.5 yrs ago and got another woman pregnant within a 6 months. He now has a mortgage. He moved an hour away from the daily home. Kids struggled to adjust going there fortnightly and had nightmares and signs of anxiety. It settled down eventually.

I had no job etc as was SAHM. I began to work FT but am quite poor now. I'm studying too now to try and get a better job. My job is quite busy. It's stressful to a degree as in lots of work.

I don't have much family I am close to. My closest family members live 3 hrs away and there are some serious problems in their (couple) lives which I can't go onto but legal/financial big heavy shit. This means I can't rely on them, worry bout them and just ... I feel alone.

And I have unresolved emotional issues from various childhood stuff.

So basically I am single parent to kids age 9&11. I can't get them to do any work, I can't do my own work work, I have uni deadlines, I'm worried about my daughter being overweight,I feel lonely, I feel stressed they're not reading and doing HW and I am feeling very lonely and unloveable.

I feel unsupported by my ex who is a key worker so hard for him to have kids at all. And he just has a go at me if I complain that they're playing up. I try and discipline and it just doesn't work.

I feel so so so so worn down. I really do not mind just dying. I don't have anything to live for anyway.

My 11yr old is now crying that she doesn't want to go to her dad's house as she will get nightmares. And she has been crying each night with these. I feel pressured and like noone is happy with anything I do any of the time and that I'm doing everything wrong. I'm letting everyone down and I can't bear the responsibility of it all. I really can't.

I was having therapy before the lockdown and I had signed up to parenting classes. I can't cope.

You poor thing, sounds absolute shit. No wonder you feel crap.

These are special circumstances we're in; you can forget all the usual stuff we're expected to deal with, like trying to get children to read the "correct" amount.

You're expecting yourself to study, work fulltime and be a fulltime single parent, did I understand that right? Do you know that this expectation is too much right now?

The therapy would have been useful, is anything possible online? I remember hearing something about free therapy due to Covid?
Have you tried the usual hotlines?
Spoken to your doctor about raising the amount of citalopram? The current dose is relatively low.
I guess your family is not helpful?

Make sure you're getting enough to eat and drink at regular intervals - helps with mood too.

That does sound like a plateful.
First of all don’t worry too much about the schoolwork. A bit of reading daily would be a bonus, but otherwise don’t fret. Would they rather be doing other things?
Secondly you are certainly not unlovable, because even if things are messy and you are sad, you are still trying.
Thirdly, is there any way at all you can reduce the pressure from work and university? By asking for extensions?
Lastly, see if you can find one tiny thing you can notice and enjoy today- just being outside for a moment can be good.

Thank you. Yes @ravenmum - though it's 4 days so not full-time but same work load as full time!

I have asked the therapist to do online. It's alot of money to pay but I guess I have to try it. I did not want to continue online as difficult to get time away from kids for that session on top of time away from them for work and study too.

I find life hard even with making life easy (e.g. easy meals). The problem with that also is that if I just put a pizza in the over,it means I am losing on the healthy eating front.

I can't seem to get them to do any work. Should I really let it go? What if they fall behind? I'm so worried they'll end up clueless and lost like me of they don't learn to work hard. I just don't have the capacity to instil it in them.

I am trying to get outdoors and encouraging them too. I also sat down and played with them for a couple of hours but it's like they can suck up all my attention and time but are never satiated . Also I am tired by the end of the day from being with them.

Then my daughter complains about nightmares and I get upset cos she wants to come into my bed or sit with her whilst she falls asleep. I'm just feeling got at.

OP, I am truly impressed that you have started studying in order to get a better job. You are doing brilliantly getting help and advice - therapy and parenting - lots of people don't manage to make that leap and invest in themselves. It takes courage.

Life is chucking challenges at us fast and furious at the moment, and especially at single parents. I am not surprised you are overwhelmed.

Please don't be so hard on yourself.

You did great today, spending 2 hours doing stuff with them.

Does it work if they cook with you?

If not, put veg on top of the pizzas, it's fine! Get those bags of cooked frozen grilled veg and sprinkle some of those on, bit of extra cheese grated on top...

Beans on toast has the full range of proteins needed. Especially on wholemeal toast.

Baked potato, tuna, sweetcorn - easy.

Pasta, pesto, peas, grated cheese.

All can be as nutritious as something that took hours to make.

No one is peering over your shoulder judging you, give yourself a pat on the back for getting through each day.

No, honestly, let the education go for the moment if it would make life easier. These are not remotely normal times. (I am a teaching assistant in primary). If you can get them learning anything new- like baking or some diy or gardening, then they are learning. Try audio books perhaps? There’s loads around for that age group.
Mental and physical health is more important than education.

Geraniumblue is spot on. No need to push the 'homeschooling' agenda. Reading, documentaries, cooking and gardening, a nice walk. Maybe something like swingball or a basketball hoop to get them active.

No need for complicated food, either. The essential, really, is that their mum is calm and ok.

Why's your daughter having nightmares at her father's?

I can't seem to get them to do any work. Should I really let it go? What if they fall behind? I'm so worried they'll end up clueless and lost like me of they don't learn to work hard. I just don't have the capacity to instil it in them.
You're already working and studying - of course you don't have time to be a teacher too, and anyway, you aren't a teacher. Of course you don't have the capacity. All children not in school are missing lessons now, not just yours. Ask them how they are going to make sure they don't struggle when they are back in school and see what ideas they come up with. They're old enough to know why they are learning.

if I just put a pizza in the over,it means I am losing on the healthy eating front.
A pizza is made of dough, vegetables and cheese. How is it not healthy?

I also sat down and played with them for a couple of hours
So on top of working full-time, studying full-time and teaching full-time, you're also a full-time childminder? Though I used to work as a childminder, and I never played with the kids for that length of time. Of course you're knackered after 2 whole hours. If you want to play with them, try maybe 20-40 minutes at one time, then a tea break. Or just give them an idea and leave them to it - e.g. find instructions for making papier maché faces and tell them to produce portraits or something - or give them a recipe and tell them to cook something healthy!

You're being far too hard on yourself.

Stop beating yourself up!
You're doing an amazing job and you need a break, so be kind to yourself and give yourself one, have a holiday from your 'schooling' for a week or two. Did the kids enjoy those 2 whole hours of play? What did you play 'at'? Who decided, you or them? Do you think you'd repeat it next week?
Its not easy, personally I haven't left my house for the whole 7 weeks (I have other heath problems too), so I know how shut-in you feel and maybe the time has come to ask your children to help, not in a 'poor me' kind of way, but a serious plea for assistance in planning your joint future?

You need help, but who is going to help you? There's only your children available so ask them for support over deciding on what you do about your joint future..
They are old enough to feel complimented if you include them over decisions as to your family plans because life is never going to go back to the way it used to be.
Ask them what they would like to happen and see if its practical.
Then ask them how you can achieve these goals, ask them how you can help them . They need to take some responsibility, even though they are still children.
I don't know your children - would they like to cook tea once a week?
Redecorate a room?
Organise an exercise routine? (could be a laugh).
Write a notes to elderly neighbours offering to collect shopping or medicines? Walk their dog?
(plenty of ideas on google).

Hi all. Thanks for writing back. I am struggling so can't really read the messages right now. I will tomorrow hopefully. My son has been hitting me this evening (rare) and I feel worn out. Had counselling. An hour ranting at the poor woman. It was nice to let it out but the evening has turned to shit again. I have asked for some days off work. I want to give up. I have the Samaritans number though I won't use it. I just feel like I want everything to end - I can't bear it anymore. Im sorry. I'm angry at their dad. Why won't he step up. He is so immature. He just tells me I'm doing parenting wrong. I will read your messages tomorrow. I'm sorry.

DocusDiplo am really sorry that your ex is being such an arse. It isn’t fair. Leaving you in the shit and then having the brass neck to criticise you.

You are juggling a hell of a lot and in a very difficult situation.

Does your Uni have a counselling service? Would it help to talk to them?

Also a word with your GP? 20g of Citalopram is only an average dose, might it help you over the next few weeks to increase it a bit? It helps your brain chemistry to get your brain on your side and not be so hard on yourself.

Also, if you are struggling it may be possible for your kids to be in school.
Maybe another poster can advise on the process for this.

Thinking of you, Docus.

Well done on getting the counselling. Yes, your ex is in no position to criticise anyone.
Upping the citalopram would help, but would take a while to have any effect; changing the dose can actually make you feel worse while you adapt to it (which is also why you need to make sure you're taking it religiously at the moment - right amount, right time - if you're especially bad). Speak to your GP, be honest about how crap you feel right now and see if you can get something else to tide you over in the short term. Even something to help you sleep properly might help a bit. Time off work is good if you can actually manage to relax!

www.facebook.com/watch/?v=555848772005526

Oh, and don't add "reading the comments on MN" to your list of chores you feel guilty about! Ignore or reach out as you fancy.

Hello again OP I'm sorry I didn't come back again the other day - real life things got in the way.

How are you today? I've read all your posts now and I think you're brilliant. Many people who've been through everything you've been through would simply give up. Studying and working would be far from the top of their agenda. You're a great example to your children.

Relax over the home education - really. Maybe a game of scrabble (spelling), monopoloy with them as bankers (maths), watching horrible histories, the odd bit of BBC bitesize if they'll look at it. But don't beat yourself up the teachers will be gearing themselves up to catch the children up as soon as they're back at school.

But most of all try to get out every day for air, make your life as easy as you can with cooking etc.

Don't push it - if they won't they won't and if you try to force them you'll only instill misery for yourself and in the current situation its just not worth it.

I hope today is a better day

You sound like you are really doing an incredible job under the circumstances and need to go easy on yourself but I know that's really easily said...

As other PP's have said, don't worry too much about the home ed stuff. The kids are 9 and 11, they will have plenty of time to catch up once they get back to school.

Re your DD. Mine was 11 (end of yr6) when I left her dad. I stayed with her to settle at bedtime until we moved into our own place nearly 2 years later. It's frustrating when you're 'on' the whole time but for us it worked better than her trying to settle alone. I just accepted it as a side effect of the whole situation.

My DD also put weight on after the split. Again once the dust had settled she chose to address it herself and I supported her with healthier than usual packed lunches and was lucky enough to get a subsidised gym membership through work. At 13, she was almost a size 18, she's now a healthy 14 (she's tall and broad so will never be a skinny minny!), although first heartbreak and lockdown are having a bit of an impact.

Try not to worry about it too much. If she's eating relatively healthily and getting even a little bit of exercise each day, it's better than nothing.

Do you know why she's worrying about going to her dads? Does she stay over there and if so, could she just see him for the day?

As for your own mental health - another vote for upping your Cipramil. I've been on it for years, mostly at 20mg but went up to 40mg when I was going through my divorce. I'm now on a 'sub-therapeutic' dose of 10mg a day, which is just the boost I need to my underactive thyroid meds which don't quite hit the spot on their own.

I was also prescribed a tiny dose of 2mg diazepam, which I was so terrified of using I had it sat in my bedside drawer for nearly a year. It is just enough to take the edge off when I get really anxious or have trouble sleeping and I've had no issues at all with getting dependent on it.

I’m sorry things are rough for you right now.
Could your daughter take something of yours (bracelet, etc.) when she sleeps at her dad’s?

Making you a cup of tea, DocusDiplo

Hi Docus, it's a lovely sunny day I hope you manage to enjoy it.. and tomorrow is a bank holiday.. no lessons.. and BJ ( unfortunate set of initials!!) is hinting at lifting some restrictions on Sunday.. hang on in there.