This week I asked a mentor/friend if we could talk about something that was bothering me, and for me that was quite a brave step because I find it difficult to ask for people's time and know they have their own problems etc. When she immediately replied "of course", I was a bit taken aback because it was like "wow she's more than willing to help me and she cares about me".
During the conversation I mentioned this to her, and she suggested that maybe I believe that I don't deserve having people help me. While I did listen to what she was saying, I initially dismissed it because I didn't think I held that belief. I've since been thinking about it and maybe she's right.
I would have said my self esteem was fairly normal, maybe a little bit towards the lower end of the scale. I know I have value and worth. I've always been quiet and not the most socially confident but that's improving little by little. I do find it difficult to ask for help, but again in the last 18 months or so I've been pushing myself out of my comfort zone and doing it.
Since that conversation I've been thinking and I suppose that while I know in my head that most people are kind and want to help, it still surprises me every time when someone wants to help me. I often avoid asking others to help me because I don't think I realise how willing people are to support others, or more specifically, me. I'm afraid of bothering them or asking them for something that's too "big" or too much of a drain on their resources or time, yet if someone else needed the same help, I would encourage them to ask for it. I never really saw my mum asking for help or even really trusting people so that's probably one reason for it.
I don't know where to go from here. I think the issue is specifically around realising that other people do care about me rather than an internal sense of lack of worth, if that makes sense. But I'm not sure what that would be called or what action to take?