I'm finding the world of work really tough

[Trahil]

Hi, not really sure why I'm posting here other than the fact that I'm pretty sure this is a forum that my manager doesn't use so there will hopefully be no chance of him identifying me from what I write.

I graduated from university last year and started on a grad scheme at a corporate job in a big international firm in October. I was really excited at first and I was looking forward to starting and building new skills.

For context, my job is in an area that I have no prior experience in and virtually zero knowledge about before starting. I am in my early twenties.

I've been working on a project in a very small team for the last few months. I'm getting increasingly stressed because I feel so extremely out of my depth. I rarely understand what people are talking about in meetings and I'm using tools and creating presentations on material that I barely understand. All the people on my project are a lot older than me and more experienced and I can't help but compare myself to them. I dont even really know how to talk to clients by myself and I feel so intimated by them all, so I'm really quiet at work. I used to be so confident before starting this job but now I feel like I'm a shell of my former self. I've become extremely insecure and constantly doubt by ability.

My manager says that I'm doing well but I keep making silly mistakes. I really beat myself up after I make them, to the point that I've been having panic attacks and I'm crying almost every day whilst working. My manager tells me not to stress about these mistakes but I don't know if he's just being polite or if they actually are only minor mistakes that nobody else cares about as much as I do. I've been very careful to hide how im feeling because I don't want my manager to think I'm incompetent.

I'm not sure how to go forward with this. I'm paralysed by the fear of making a mistake that will make my boss realise that I should never have been hired in the first place. I feel like a fraud. I'm dreading work starting all over again next week and I'm really not sure how to cope.

Does anyone have any advice please?

Another one who's been on a grad scheme and managed an intern. I'm a couple of years older than you and for context I totally made up how to manage said intern.

I was so lucky about where I was placed so didn't have too much of this BUT 15 months in I seconded to another department and god I felt so dumb. I kept thinking "you've done over a year you should know things!" (even though it was a totally different department...)

What I did was make a diary for workdays and wrote down one thing I'd learned, one thing of value I'd done that day, and one thing I was proud of/felt brave for doing.

Quite a lot of it was I was brave by asking a question, I leaned what a word/phrase meant, and the value add was either I'd learned something or met a new person or learned where someone sat. Over time it turned more into "work" stuff than "learning the ropes stuff" but honestly sometimes I'd get to the end of a week feeling useless and pointless and like I'd done nothing and it was really helpful to look back and remember that actually on Monday I'd bravely asked for clarification on something in a meeting and somebody afterwards had said well done for asking or they hadn't understood either etc etc.

Write down the positives. We remember the perceived negatives much more strongly, you've got to force the positives to show up (mistakes aren't negative especially if they're the first time you've made that mistake).

Think about framing your questions. Sometimes you are 75% sure of what to do next, but worried that it might not be right. Saying: So I think I should X piece of work before Y because it will allow us to do make the decision at next week’s meeting - is that what you would do?
Sounds better than: should I do X or Y next?

Does X mean the total revenue for 2019?
Sounds better than: what does X mean?

If it were a multiple choice quiz, I bet you would get over 75% correct, it’s just that you need that extra bit of reassurance. You sound like a lovely, conscientious person who want to do their best. I think I would like to work with you (I’m at the bottom rung too - but a mid 30s career switcher, so have a bit of experience of what bosses like).