Please help me with year 4 DD's lockdown friendship

[Goldenbear]

My DD was very good friends with a girl (friend A) in year 3 and the start of year 4 until about Christmas last year. She is also very good friends with another girl (friend B) who friend A is not keen on. Since the Lockdown I have been working from home and have effectively become involved in what I would normally consider playground disagreements as friend A has been close to for a longer time has her parent texting me about it etc.

My DD hates Face timing anyway but the last time I persuaded her to do this with friend A to be kind, she pretty much character assasinated my DD (I overheard it's of the conversation) as she doesn't want her to be friends with anyone else. In addition, my DD was upset as she had to have a lockdown birthday and friend A didn't bother wishing her a Happy Birthday even though she knew when it was.

My DD really likes friend B and doesn't understand why she has to choose. She doesn't want to talk badly about her with friend A as she thinks it's unkind and it is.

Friend A and B live very near each other, they bumped in to each other whilst exercising and oddly, despite what she said to my DD, friend A's parent asked friend b's parent if A and B could facetime each other later that day. This went ahead and at the end of the conversation she asked her what she would be doing now, friend B replied possibly playing Minecraft with DD, friend A advised her not to bother with DD. It is very peculiar as when we heard that B had facetimed A from friend B's parent myself and DD were relieved as we thought this was the start of them all being friends.

I realise this sounds petty but it is stressing me out as I am trying to work and I am extremely busy but friend As parent is constantly wanting my DD to facetime, something DD is not keen on as Friend A tells her off for her friendship with B.

Please can anyone help with what I say to the other parent. The parent is not keen on B so I think this is a lot to do with things being so difficult. I am not good at this stuff and asked my husband to speak to Friend A's Dad about it all but I think the Mum will think that is strange.

Please help!!

I grew up with a friendship triangle exactly like this. 19 years until I very painfully extracated myself. This doesn't end well. This friendship is already toxic. Friend A sounds manipulative (given that she told Friend B not to bother with your DD so that she could keep her to herself) and nasty. I don't know why you would want your DD to remain friends with friend A after you overheard her speaking to your daughter like that and purposely didn't wish her a happy birthday to make her feel insecure and unimportant. You need to discourage this friendship asap and encourage your DD to focus on her friendship with friend B. Although, be prepared for a response from friend A- I imagine she will try to 'steal' friend B as a friend from your daughter.

*extricated

Friend A's parents over involvement in her DD's friendships is also another red flag.

Yes, you are right, I think she is quite manipulative. I was trying to be charitable I suppose and see it from her perspective which is that perhaps Friend A feels she has lost a good friend and that she feels used. They are only 8/9 though so I don't know if it is that deep. I think more friendships are a good thing but one of the parents of Friend A has actively been against it. Her friend A is very very thin, and her parent seems to have an almost false sense of pride about this, friend B is medium size and Friend A is always going on about how 'big' she is and how much she eats. She started to say this to my DD who is not very big at all 20th percentile so genuinely not but where as before DD wae completely unaware now she seems to be. She doesn't want to talk about friend B's size as again she says it is unkind and not relevant which it is.

Honestly, as teacher of children your DD’s age, you’re better off keeping out of it as best you can. Be there for her, gently discourage the friendship with A/help her to see the bigger picture but don’t ‘do’ anything unless it escalates to bullying levels.

These kind of things are going to come up a LOT over the next few years. Brace yourself.

The similarities between what you are describing and what I experienced are actually scaring me! I think my mum felt similarly in her empathy towards the 'manipulative' friend - is friend A an only child by any chance?

Gosh. This is a bit crazy.

I’d try to stay out of it but teach your daughter the values you want her to have. To be kind. To choose her own friends.

We stayed friends until we were in our early twenties and it became extremely toxic, wifh friend A being consistently controlling and bullying. Don't underestimate the emotional power of these relationships, no matter how young they are. You are teaching your dd what is/isn't acceptable in terms of relationships. She doesn't deserve someone controlling her choice of friendships or bullying/chastising her for making friends with someone else. Friend A's mum sounds damaged.

Honestly I would keep her off so I'll media, certainly with those two girls. Tell the mums it's making her anxious or something so she won't be doing it. You can encourage other friendships, maybe she can get in touch with others in her class? It the perfect time to get to know other kids.

I’d also say to keep out of it , your dd doesn’t want to FaceTime people so just respect that . As the pp said this kind of thing will rumble on for the next few years with girls - it’s hideous but fairly usual unfortunately . Just encourage your daughter to have as wide a friendship group as she can .

When my dd was 10, she needed help recognizing that one of her friends was toxic. She was basically in a triangle where she and another girl were competing for the attention/approval of a third girl.
I didn't say it directly but I reinforced messages like "friends shouldn't stress you out" " friends shouldn't tell you what to do" etc She ended up withdrawing from that situation and making friends with a girl who creates much less drama. Strangely enough, the girl whose attention that she used to crave started wanting my DD's attention more. 😂 She is now a teen and there's been plenty of drama but she's been good at recognizing that friendship is a 2 way street. It helps that she has a lot of friends so if one is being a bit of a dick, she has others to hang out with.

Personally I wouldn't make my dd FaceTime any friends. Just be honest and say Dd is looking forward to see A in person but doesn't enjoy FT yet.

I had to deal with a 3 girl friendship group in year 3 (not my children, I volunteer in a school) I would tell your DD that nobody gets to tell her who she can be friends with.

If friend A was a nice friend she would be nice to your DD and in turn your DD would want to spend time talking to her etc. But she isn't nice, in fact this is a great age to point out that how someone treats someone they dislike is a real insight into their character. She is deliberately trash talking your DD's friend.

I would want to reduce contact with A as she seems unpleasant. She is jealous and quite nasty. Turn this around, if child A is capable of this behaviour toward child B, surely if she fell out with your DD then she could be just as nasty to about your DD. It isn't a nice side to her.

What does your DD want to do? Do that!

If she doesn't want to FaceTime friend A any more, she shouldn't. You persuaded her once and it did not go well for your DD.

If you get texts from friend A's mum asking your DD to FaceTime her say no. Don't make an excuse - say DD doesn't enjoy FaceTiming and is not going to be doing it for foreseeable. Friend A's mum will likely get the hump but that's no bad thing either.

You need to remove the trickiness/ manipulation of friend A and friend A's mum from the equation. Their behaviour is really just tricking you into feeling guilty and making you overly nervous about displeasing them. You have absolutely no need to feel this! All that actually needs doing is checking with your daughter what she wants/ doesn't want to do and if that seems reasonable to you, facilitate that.

It honestly is straightforward if you refuse to get drawn into mind games with either the child or the adult. They can then sit and brood and do whatever they choose - but you don't have to and can free yourself from it because you've taken action and are doing what seems sensible to you.

Don't answer friends A mum when she asks to get your dd to facetime.
If she keeps on messaging block her.

If your DD wants to be friends with both of them then equip her with the skills to end or change conversations with A.
As a parent since you seem to be facilitating the facetiming, tell A's mum that your DD will only be available at a certain time on certain days. It should take some of the intensity out of it.
Three-way friendships are always difficult and often the dynamic isn't as clear cut as only one person being manipulative.

Thanks for your replies -
Thunderthighsohwoe, yes, I want to keep our of it but the parent of A friend is making me a part of it. I have a teenage son and although he has had fall outs, they resolved themselves pretty quickly and I only remember one parent being involved. I think it is something I'll have to learn to navigate with my DD, I certainly don't want her to feel that I am trying to be accomodating of certain behaviour. That was certainly how I was brought up and I can't say it has particularly helped me.

Redwineisstillfine, I absolutely think she is too young for this and Facetime really stresses her out. She likes Minecraft and doing something. She still likes playing with her Sylvanians and Lego. She likes to make clothes for the Sylvanian families, something Friend A thinks is a bit dull but friend B also likes them. To be fair to friend B she hasn't done anything wrong. DD is quite emotionally young so she doesn't seem to always understand Friend A's points about what she has done wrong. I mean I reassured her she has done nothing wrong but she doesn't know how to articulate the response that would show a protest to these accusations- when I overheard her I nearly had to step in as DD was totally out of her depth. I feel awful that I let her be scrutinised like that.

Floralnomad, yes, I did wonder whether it was a 'daughter' thing as anecdotally my son's problems have been either resolved by himself or he's ended things himself, saying that he had a terrible experience on social media in year 7 and I stopped him using it. The trouble with the current situation is that, this is the only social side of life, I didn't know if I should be encouraging it until school life returns. It seems really obvious now from all your very helpful replies that I am actually getting drawn in to the drama and placating them both.

If it helps, my DD is year 4 and isn't having any independent communication with anyone and isn't face timing any school friends. It seems many of her class are just playing with siblings/families. I think I would just explain that she doesn't enjoy FT and that will naturally reduce the contact and stress.

Yes, it does help to hear that, I think may be I am massively overcomplicating things and not actually helping DD at all. Like others I am pretty stressed with Lockdown, not getting the working and schooling balance right, worrying about a relative in hospital with pneumonia and marriage is being tested as well as probable redundancy but like I say like most people I suspect and a lot better situation than some. It is just another flipping thing to fret about but I need to catastrophising!

Stop catastrophising that should read.

Tell A's mum that Facetiming A isn't working for your DD. Assuming you'll be doing so via text, just be honest.

"Hi, I'm afraid Facetiming A isn't working for us; I need to be working so am not available to support DD with it and she's finding some of the conversations they're having quite upsetting. I've reassured her that true friendships have survived without Facetime for centuries and that she and A can catch up when they're back at school. Thanks."

Being honest is important, being specific that it's the sessions with A that are hard needs to be done too otherwise it puts DD in a difficult position if she wants to Facetime cousins/ kind friends/Grandma. If A's mum requests a final session, just reply and say again that Facetime with A isn't working for DD so you'd like to leave it.

All you need to say to friend A’s parent is

‘Oh I’ll remind DD later, or I’ll ask DD if she wants too’

That way you leave it open without any strings attached

If they text, and ask, just say ‘oh I did remind her, I’ll mention it again’

That should be your only involvement.

Doing what GreenTulips said is a good idea because it makes you rather than your dd the bad guy. She's far too young to be put under this sort of pressure and personally I'd be tempted to tell A's mum that your dd isn't allowed to FT any more so the drama is on hold until schools go back.