I Lost my son In a court hearing July 2016, the last time I saw him was November 2016, due to 'what ifs' over my mental health and Family background. I was only 16 years old when I found out about my son and did everything I could, everything right that is In all the books to look after Both of us before he was born.
He was born by emergency c section after finding out that I had pre eclampsia, braving my thoughts I did it all for him.
I was very ill, very anaemic and very weak after he was born. I asked for help when I needed it and was aware that I couldn't be perfect.
I was getting better, then I developed Sepsis and had to get it dealt with quickly as it's a life threatening condition. So I was hooked up on machines for hours on end, not being able to attend to my son's needs, so my wonderful boyfriend helped Both of us.
One day, after nearly being In better condition, social services knocked on my hospital room door, saying they were going to check my house to see if it's suitable, came back the next day apparently not so even though it was really tidy, I had to think of somewhere else to live.
I spent one night with my son to prove I can look after him. But because of my severe anaemia I passed out with him In my arms, and he supposedly fell on the floor even though there were no external or internal signs of injury. And I was terrified.
The next day we were In court and the hospital, who had treated me so badly, didn't give me the medicines I needed for the two hour journey to the court. I had spent 15 days In hospital and that was the first day I was allowed outside.
My son was put on an care order and I never took him home from that hospital.
I knew we wouldn't be getting him back from that point and we spent hours In a sterile room they suggested, trying to prove we can parent him.
I was put In a Mother and baby foster placement with him miles from home, contact with family one hour every two weeks In a random room. The Father of my son and my wonderful fiance only got to see him for less than an hour a week with it taking longer than that to even get to us. The lady would take my son off me if I didnt calm him down within 10 seconds which stressed me and him out and it made it harder for us to bond.
I wasnt allowed to be alone with him which also forced me to not be allowed to breastfeed him.
He loved having video calls with his granddad, but if the people at the place knew they would be furious with me even though he loved seeing his granddad.
I had til june and they ended my assessment at the beginning of may, not even giving me a chance.
I saw people at CAMHS, and my Local doctor and they made a lot of assumptions and what ifs about my mental health, not helping me with anything they brought up.
When I got home after all of these months of people saying these what ifs, the mental health worker at home said it was all because what social services and Everyone put me through, and because of all of that I now have ptsd.
I truly loved my son, he was my world, even though I only saw him for 10 months, I loved him with all my heart and would drop everything In a heartbeat to give him a perfect home, and the best life I can give him.
Unfortunately, we were pressured and bullied and it came to either we sign the paper for him to be adopted or the court would.
He has been adopted, and has been for over a year now with that Family. I know they have good intentions, but he needs to be with me, he needs me, I am his mother and have been suffering night and day. Not even allowed pictures of him.
It has been 4 years since this happened, me and my fiancé see mothers, pregnant women and babies everywhere. He is wanting to try again for another next year when we have more secure accommodation, I'm just terrified of losing another baby. But I do really want to be a mother more than anything.