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Original poster

Why does my best friend deny my sexuality?

20 replies

tvbracket · 02/05/2020 06:30

I'm not sure why I put this in aibu..... I couldn't find chat

Me and my bff are both early 40s. Both single. Been friends for about 20 years. We are best female friends. Usually do loads of stuff together.....cinema, meals, day trips, clubbing etc..we've both had boyfriends over the years. She really really wants to get a long term boyfriend but has had no luck with online dating and isn't very confident to approach men any other way.

I'm not interested in finding a boyfriend because I prefer women. When we have been on nights out, I always end up flirting with females. I can never take things further because I'm with my friend. When I tell her I think that I am bisexual or lesbian she insists that I am not. She tells me I am heterosexual . She said I have unfortunately had a few bad experiences with men (true!) and it's clouding my view.

We recently fell out over a unrelated issue...so are not spending our usual time together (also lockdown etc).

I really want to try dating women and to be honest I would like a relationship/girlfriend.

Why is my friend insistent that I'm heterosexual. I am certainly not attracted to her for sure. She is definitely not my 'type'! I'm also very certain that she is heterosexual and would only be attracted to men.

We fell out recently and haven't spoken for a good few weeks. I'm sure we will make up again at some point (we are like sisters!). But I feel being away from this friendship might me good for me to maybe find a partner I would like to be with.

It's strange because she is definitely not homophobic. And definitely a not lesbian....as in she wouldn't fancy me...that wouldn't explain her behaviour.

OP posts:

milienhaus · 02/05/2020 06:34

Sounds like the idea of you changing scares her, and probably also she doesn’t want to share you with another woman who would be “competition” (even in a very different kind of relationship).

redcarbluecar · 02/05/2020 06:38

Some people think they know you better than you know yourself. Is she like this in other ways? I think it might be worth telling her quite firmly that your sexuality is your own business and/or not discussing it with her too much. It sounds like you might be enjoying having a bit of breathing space from her at the moment.

Original poster

tvbracket · 02/05/2020 06:49

She has been getting on my nerves for a while to be honest. I think I will use this time to explore the real me maybe.

OP posts:

Original poster

tvbracket · 02/05/2020 06:54

@redcarbluecar yes she does believe she knows me better than I know myself. Sometimes she is very stubborn. If there is something she wants to do/somewhere she wants to go...and she can't find anyone else who is interested....she will persuade me to go along, even if I know I don't want to.

I don't think I want to be her friend anymore. It's sad because we have been friends for so long. And also I don't really have any other friends

OP posts:

ukgift2016 · 02/05/2020 06:58

You both sound very immature. I never would have thought you were in your 40s.

EdwinaMay · 02/05/2020 07:00

If I went out with a friend and they spent their time flirting with others, I'd assume they found my company pretty boring. So I wouldn't go out with them again, or not often.

BeMoreZenLike · 02/05/2020 07:02

Are you really in your 40s?

stellabelle · 02/05/2020 07:06

I'd suggest letting this friendship go for a while. Take the time to explore what you really want, rather than sticking with her and feeling torn.

One of my friends "Diane" had the same problem - besties with another friend "Lyn" for years, then came out when she was about 35. "Lyn" just couldn't believe it - they'd done everything together and no hint of "Diane" being gay, then "boom" it happened. For a couple of years she was really angry , kept saying it was all a hoax and that Diane would go back to her real self, etc. Even now , years later with Diane living happily with her female partner, Lyn still says it's a stage she is going through.

I guess that sometimes when we're really happy with a friendship, we just want it to go on and on and never change. If the other person announces a really big change, we can't accept it. Life will never be the same.

I think that if you just let this friendship go....explore your feelings....you'll find other friends, people in the lesbian world who will welcome you with open arms I'm sure. At the moment you are ( so to speak) a round peg trying to fit into a square hole, and it isn't working. Move on, I'm sure you'll be happier if you do. Good luck !

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 02/05/2020 07:11

Maybe she perceives you getting a female partner as a threat to her position as your bf.
That's what happened to me when, after being with men all my life, I entered into a same sex relationship aged 42. My very best friend struggled massively with it - she said she felt like she'd lost me. For me, I needed her more than ever, but she just couldn't see it. We went through a difficult few years but we are okay now.
It's possible that she is insisting you are heterosexual to prevent you finding someone who she thinks will usurp her place in your life.

LonginesPrime · 02/05/2020 07:18

God, OP, you've put up with this shit for 20 years? No-one needs that level of negativity and controlling bullshit in their lives.

You're wasting your time trying to please her and it's making you unhappy

Just stop.

I think I will use this time to explore the real me maybe

This makes me so sad. You're still letting her call the shots, even when she's not talking to you! You're going to use this bit of newfound freedom while she doesn't want to see you to explore who you are as a person? What, until she's bored or needs a sidekick and then you're back to being whatever she wants you to be again?

At your age, OP, you should be at the point where others' opinions don't matter and you cans be yourself. Otherwise what's the point? I suggest you work on your self-esteem and cut that non-friend out of your life.

Skips12 · 02/05/2020 07:23

Use this time to do what you want to do without judgement or imposed belief about who you are from another person.
You know what you want to do, you are seeking a same sex relationship. Go for it. Whether you want to let this friendship end is another matter. It might be worth considering what you like about this friendship and what you value in a friend. Then compare
Good luck

MarginalGain · 02/05/2020 07:45

Maybe she perceives you getting a female partner as a threat to her position as your bf.

This was my first thought.

Maybe she likes the symmetry of your situations, and hopes that you'll meet two chaps who are best friends and have a double wedding like on the Brady Bunch.

I wouldn't want to deal with someone who wasn't more enthusiastic about me making a relatively momentous transition in my 40s (I can't tell if you consider this momentous? to me it would be). It's a pretty baffling shortcoming.

TwistyHair · 02/05/2020 07:50

That’s just really weird that she’d do that. Doesn’t make any sense unless she’s one of those people who don’t mind lesbians so long as it’s no one they know.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 02/05/2020 07:52

As close as sisters you may be, you need to understand 2 things:

you don’t need her to accept who you are, live your life the way you want and, for your own peace of mind, don’t discuss these things with her. You need to find some sympathetic ears for these discussions, as good as a friend could be, some are not suitable for certain subjects be it your sexuality or any other subject.
you don’t need her to validate who you are. Once you accept who you are you will look back at this and wonder why did you care so much about this, she is not the one that needs to give you permission to come out, it’s YOU. Once you allow yourself to be yourself her opinion wouldn’t matter and someway I think she will be ok with it.

You have to fully accept who you are first, once you do, you won’t need anyone to corroborate your views so focus on yourself and your own feelings rather than being angry at your friend, some distance to keep perspective until you are ready may be good for you and the friendship.

pickingdaisies · 02/05/2020 07:56

Of course she won't acknowledge your sexuality. If you go of and find yourself a girlfriend, who can she drag along to stuff that nobody else will go to? Apart from anything else, you really need to practise saying no to her. That's if you decide to continue the friendship. You may find there's a whole world out there just waiting for you to say hello.

StarlightLady · 02/05/2020 08:07

First of all congratulations on discovering the real you and wanting to do something about it. Regardless of gender, when a friend is not in a relationship, they can see the potential of the other meeting someone a threat.

In addition, there are many people sadly in denial of their own sexuality, let alone having the much unwanted help of their friends joining in.

When you are out together the chances of you meeting someone is going to be limited, almost to the point of your friend becoming a relationship security guard. Enjoy the company of your friend, she seems to go back a long way, but take time out on your own too, so hopefully you can meet a like minded woman to form a passionate friendship.

SarahAndQuack · 02/05/2020 08:19

People do this. It's weird. Sorry, OP.

PrimeroseHillAnnie · 02/05/2020 08:30

Bizarre situation for somebody of your age.

MNHQ

LouMumsnet · 02/05/2020 11:07

Hi, @tvbracket - we're just bobbing on here to let you know that we've now shifted this over to Chat, where you originally wanted to post.

Hope that helps but do let us know if you need anything else.

mencken · 02/05/2020 11:45

sounds a really stifling friendship for both of you. She needs to get hobbies, to activities etc as that's how you meet people rather than screen swiping. And going for a night out with someone who is then on the pull must be really boring.

unless she wants to sleep with you, why would who you want to sleep with bother her?

and I agree, this all sounds stuck in your teens!

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