Putting a parent in a home

[MartySouth]

I have just read somebody yet again talking about an elderly relative being 'put' in a home as if we are still living in Victorian times. You CANNOT 'PUT' AN ADULT IN A CARE HOME!!!!!!

Sorry to shout but:

1. We live in a society where people have the right to decide where they live, this includes very ill people or people with dementia. Nobody else can force somebody to leave their home. It's against the law.

1. Even if somebody and/or their family WANTS them to move into a care home the council will very rarely allow this because the council can't afford it. This has been the case for a LONG TIME! Social workers will strongly resist people being moved out of their homes because councils can't afford to pay for residential care. if necessary the council will pay for home care visits but they will NOT move somebody into a care home unless the situation is really very dire AND the person agrees.

Of course, if you can afford to pay for private residential care the council won't be involved but still, no care home will accept somebody who doesn't want to be there.

I have found all this out to great cost. My father has dementia and lives several hours from me. he was unsafe living on his own and had many accidents. The whole situation was also incredibly expensive and draining for me as we could not afford a private care home but the council absolutely refused to entertain the idea of funding residential care even after he fractured his hip.

Please can people stop talking about 'putting people in a home' ?

often it's really clear that somebody would be safer, less lonely and better cared for if they were in residential care but you still can't decide that for them

I did because I had LPA. So shoot me.

My gran set fire to her house and nearly killed her self and the flat above as she sat in
the hall crying not knowing what to do. It’s just lucky the man upstairs heard her smoke alarm. He couldn’t get any answer so he went to my uncles house along the street. She’d bolted the door and he was calling through the letterbox (by this point the fire brigade had been called). He could see my gran curled in a ball sobbing saying ‘i don’t know what to do!’ but couldn’t get her to open the door. She had been a very smart capable woman before getting dementia. In the end my cousins husband smashed the bathroom window and climbed in to get her out.

This was the second fire she had caused and the social worker thought she was safe to go back home! Eh no!!!

You can 'put' a person in a home. We had to do this with my mother, we had tried absolutely everything else including home carers, a care package, everything. She had dementia and was at the stage where she didn't know her own family, who she was, where she was. She would wander outside and get lost, leave the oven on, she fell downstairs and was lying there for some hours...it's a wonder she didn't break her neck.

It took a meeting of the family, plus carers, a social worker, a dementia psychologist and several others but it was decided she was a danger to herself and others left in her own home. As family, we felt it was best and eventually they agreed. She had to be removed against her will, which was traumatic for everyone; in order to do this requires the family to agree to the person being sectioned and the police are present to ensure everything is done properly.

If we were a "money grabbing" family who just wanted the parent in a home in order to take the property, we'd have just left my mother to it. She would have fallen down the stairs again and broken her neck the next time, and we'd have inherited the lot. Of course we weren't going to let anything like that happen, the home was a kinder and gentler place for someone with so far advanced dementia. We ended up paying a lot for the care including all the proceeds from the family home and lots more besides. We got nothing but it was worth it to have our mother's last days filled with kindness, care and love...

@Caramelblonde, I think a lot depends on where in the country people live. I'm in a fairly inexpensive place in the north of England. Social landlords who let housing specifically for older people here do offer some to homeowners depending on need. If we sold our house, it wouldn't pay for a retirement flat, they are notoriously expensive. And it makes all sorts of sense to move nearer family. Selling our home would mean we could afford to pay rent and for other services.

alsohuman I think you have misunderstood me or I didn't explain myself well. I WISH I could have exercised my POA and moved my dad into a care home at the time when he really needed it and that's great that you were able to. I am saying that the present situation often prevents families being able to act in the best interests of their elderly relatives whereas people who don't have experience of the situation think it's easy to make the decision to move into residential care.

@Gran22 Surely sheltered housing is based on eligibility,otherwise all over 60s could sell their houses and demand social rents.All while sitting on thousands in the bank.It simply doesn't work like this,there would always be someone with limited finance who would be more in need.My parents sold their house and bought a retirement flat,it is what most homeowners do.

You can buy sheltered housing or rent it privately, it isn't all social housing.

Caramelblonde, social landlords do assessments based on health and disability needs, family support, accessibility etc. Lots of homeowners exist on low pensions, and as I keep stating, selling their homes won't fund an alternative. They wont be eligible for means tested benefits once they sell their homes, thereby saving the taxpayer money. Some will have earned less in their lifetimes than others who chose to rent rather than buy. A lot of the properties freed up would be at the bottom end of the market, great for first time buyers.

Living in suitable age appropriate accommodation reduces isolation, delays the need for residential care, it reduces bed blocking. All positives. Unfortunately there's a huge shortage.

Working in a care home I met people who were "put" there because of their dementia meant that they were unable to live safely on their own. But yes You would need either the person to agree or you would need to get power of attorney and that wold nort be easy.

My parents have already started sorting stuff out for if they get to the dementia stage regarding power of attorney.

Well, we put my MIL in a home very much against her wished last year, she has dementia and lacks capacity to make her own decisions. So it can be done when the patient is unable to make their own decisions.