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Original poster

If you are Indian and married to Brit

23 replies

OntheWaves40 · 29/04/2020 20:28

My bf has said if he dies he want to be flown back to India to be buried with his family (grand parents, parents and siblings) .
This shows that he will never see me as his real family and when I told him this he said it’s just the way it is in India.
Those who are Indian, would you want to go to India? Or be with your actually family (I.e spouse/children) in U.K?

OP posts:

Original poster

OntheWaves40 · 29/04/2020 20:57

No one?

OP posts:

ilikebigbuttsandicannotlie · 29/04/2020 21:01

Im not Indian but maybe his view will change once you’re married. At the minute, you’re not family but after getting married and maybe having children, his view will most probably change. My mum isn’t English and she always said she wanted to be buried in her home country with her parents. She divorced my dad many years ago so she wasn’t with anyone. Now she is remarried, she said she wants to be with her husband but would like to be cremated so a small urn can be placed in her family grave with her parents. Is that type of compromise possible?

Beechview · 29/04/2020 21:01

I’m not in the scenario you want, but I know people from the Asian sub continent who’s parents wanted to be buried back in the country where they were from and their actual families were still here.
Culturally, they may still feel a love or a tie to their ancestors and the land they were born in.

Original poster

OntheWaves40 · 29/04/2020 21:03

I did say to him that he’s been in England longer than India and what if we got married or had kids but he still thinks he’ll feel same. Maybe it’s a sign he’s just not that bothered about me or maybe he just misses his family in India

OP posts:

FTMF30 · 29/04/2020 21:06

Yoo might be better off putting this in another section. I think there is a category on mixed race familes so maybe move to there.

I'm not Indian but, fwiw, it's his cultural belief that's guiding that desire, not that he sees you as 'not proper family'. Also, as he's just your BF, I'm assuming you might not have been together that long, or perhaps don't have any children yet (if you intend on having any). Maybe over time his feelings may change. My HUSBAND said he didn't believe in marriage for a good few years of our relationship, yet here we are.

ilikebigbuttsandicannotlie · 29/04/2020 21:07

I wouldn’t take it as a sign he’s not bothered about you. He’s a very long way from home and feels a tie and love of his home country. Tell him you couldn’t have him so far away and if he dies first, you could cremate him and take half of him back home and keep half with you. It’s not some to get upset about as hopefully he won’t be passing any time soon.

FTMF30 · 29/04/2020 21:10

Can I also add, i feel you're making an issue of something that doesn't need the attention. Hopefully, he's a long way off dying. Right now, accept his wishes and let it go. You might not even be in a relationship by the time he dies anyway.

mummykauli7 · 29/04/2020 21:18

Hi. It might be more about tradition than who he does or doesn't think of as family. Tradition is massive in India. Its very important in some families to do as your elders did and learn from them. Also they may believe that there are extra blessing at that particular site etc. Maybe find out a little more about the burial ground and the attachment and meaning it has to the family.

ChillOutChick · 29/04/2020 21:18

If you marry him you'll probably end up buried in India too

Original poster

OntheWaves40 · 29/04/2020 21:23

Yikes!

OP posts:

Ginkypig · 29/04/2020 21:38

My dad wanted to be buried with his mother.

It was nothing to do with not loving his children or romantic partner it was just what he wanted so that is what he got.

My mother wants to have her ashes spread on a lake where he brother was spread, I'm pretty sure she doesn't love her husband or children less than her deceased brother but that's what she wants so that's where she will go.
My grandmother wants the same.

My husband has his wants, I have mine, my brother has his etc

You either believe there is an afterlife and will be together one day in which case it doesn't matter where your body ends up or you don't and death is the end in which case again it doesn't matter where your body ends up!
Either way it doesn't matter where your body ends up so let the person who is dying choose where they want to end up.

ARoseInHarlem · 29/04/2020 21:38

@ChillOutChick eh? Why?

OP, it’s not about you or whoever he ends up married to. Frankly, as a “mere” girlfriend, you’re not going to be able to compete with the tug of his homeland. You’re making any issue which is independent of you about you.

Poppi89 · 29/04/2020 21:43

I wouldn't take it personally. We all have a right to choose what happens to our bodies after we die, just because his opinions are different from yours doesn't make you right and him wrong.

You are trying to create an argument over something that is not worth arguing about. If you cannot cope with his traditions then maybe it is you that is not that bothered about him.

OMFL · 29/04/2020 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

rebbonk · 29/04/2020 21:45

He will not change his view on this. It happened to a friend of mine and she was left devastated by it

RixtonRails · 29/04/2020 21:45

Don't worry about it too much. I'd be more worried if he said he wanted to move to live in India, find himself a bride over there etc.

Perhaps it's not just a brit vs. india thing but just the fact his entire bloodline are in India (and yes it might change if he has kids here - him saying now it won't change his mind doesn't mean it definitely won't) - children changes people in more ways than they'd ever think.

madcatladyforever · 29/04/2020 21:49

My stepfather is Indian so I was brought up there from 3 to 16. We all live back in the UK now which is so hard on him. He misses his close knit family so much and yes wants to be cremated where his parents were. He will never love living here but my mum refuses too go back because she doesn't like the strict restrictions on her life over there or the heat. It's all a compromise but family is super important to him and he misses them terribly. I know ifor mum dies before him he will head back straight away. They've been married for 54 years now.

maudspellbody · 29/04/2020 22:02

My DGM's ashes went back to her home country (not India) to be interred in the family mausoleum. DGF is buried here.

I never really gave it any thought. It wasn't an issue of her putting her parents before her husband and children. That thought simply never occurred to me.

ChaiTea1 · 29/04/2020 22:03

Is he religious or committed to being traditional?

It’s traditional for some Hindu’s to be cremated and then have their ashes scattered in the River Ganges. My dad was born and raised in Africa but came to the UK in his 20s but with him being religious he wanted his ashes scattered in India and that’s what we did when he passed away. My mum wants the same when she passes away.
My DH also Hindu wants to be scattered here in the UK. I haven’t decided what I want to do!

StuckInnTheMiddle · 29/04/2020 22:08

This is normal for a lot of Indians. Don’t read too much into it. It’s tradition in a lot of families

Katjolo · 29/04/2020 22:12

It's normal

Iflyaway · 29/04/2020 22:29

If he's the kind of guy who's culture overrides the relationship between you two it's all you need to know.

Accept it for what it is and move on. FFS don't bring kids into this!

I speak as a solo mum of a bi-cultural child and it worked out fine, cos I didn't bow down to their culture, they accepted it, Muslim/Christian family, it's not the culture but how the people in it adapt or not

BABSYA · 30/04/2020 12:28

My parents had friends where he was Indian and she was English. Sadly she left us to early from cancer but she was cremated half her ashes were scattered with her parents half in the Ganges to be with him. He died last year and his daughters, who had a very English upbringing went to India to scatter his ashes. I thought that was very beautiful and a true example of love for partner and parents.

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